September 10, 2006
Bloggy Question 20 — A Significant Other Says “No Blog”
ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 7:58 pm
An Ultimato . . . as My Brother Would Say
For those who come looking for a short, thoughtful read, a blogging life discussion, or a way to gradually ease back into the week, I offer this Blogging Question.
A blogger friend, a great writer and thinker, someone who contributes thoughts, insights, and enthusiasm to every blog conversation you seem to be part of, has shared via email a problem at home. His significant other — a girlfriend of six months — has laid down an ultimatum.
He gives up the blog, or it’s the road for her.
She say’s it’s not the time he spends. He’s great about paying attention to his real-life commitments. She doesn’t like the idea that he has conversations that she’s not part of, and she has no interest in finding out why he enjoys blogging so much.
How do you respond?
–ME “Liz” Strauss
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63 Comments to “Bloggy Question 20 — A Significant Other Says “No Blog””
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Mike said
I’d hold the door for her after I helped her pack.
ME Strauss said
Hey Mike,
You always were a gentlemanly type. I’m not sure I’d help her pack . . .
Rick Cockrum said
That’s a tough one, Liz. On the surface, the girl appears to be possessive and manipulative. The chances are she would approach other issues the same way.
Obviously the guy cares about her strongly or what to do wouldn’t be a question in his mind. He would tell her to hit the road. He needs to ask himself what effect it would have on him to stop something he enjoys to please his significant other, and what else he would be willing to give up or change. If she asks this, the chances are there are other things she would want him to change that have nothing to do with their relationship - things he sees as important but she doesn’t and doesn’t want to explore.
The worst thing here is the blatant manipulation. People naturally change to try to please one another in a relationship. Trying to make someone change is a quick road to unhappiness.
ME Strauss said
Hi Rick,
The part that puts me off is her disinterest in what he’s obviously good at and enjoys very much.
I agree that people make changes for each other and that yet this case seems to smack of manipulation. I think the reason above is the problem that is at the core. She won’t make room for something he has a stake in.
It’s sounding selfish to me.
Teli said
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
ME Strauss said
Hey Teli,
Sounds like she wouldn’t have made 6 months with you.
Teli said
LOL probably not
ME Strauss said
Significant Other Lost in Archives of Blog . . . Film at 11
Rick Cockrum said
You’re right. It is selfish and manipulative. From his description, she wants to be the only person in his world. I agree with you and Mike. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
He cares for her or he wouldn’t be asking advice. When you’re tied to someone it can be hard can be hard to see the damage you can do to yourself by trying to bend to their unreasonable demands.
ME Strauss said
Rick,
I think you were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I like that quality in a friend of mine.
She, on the other hand, seems to have no concept of giving or fairness.
Rete said
Is she also going to make him give up all his friends that he has at work, hobbies that he enjoys, and anything else that might take five minutes away from his devoted attention to her? She doesn’t want a boyfriend, she wants a lapdog. She’ll never find a real person who doesn’t have friends and conversations that don’t involve her. I’d say good riddance & move on.
ME Strauss said
Hi Rete,
You have a great point. I’m laughing. You make me realize that I might have met her before. Yep I think a lap dog might be exactly what she needs.
cat said
I know what my first reaction is, but I’d like to hear her side of the story. Right how we just have the one version, his.
Also, I’d like to ask a few basic questions.
1) How much does she know about blogging?
2) Has he tried a compromise? For instance, she agrees to join him blogging for a month to experience how it works.
There is a chance that she could just be highly insecure, with a fear of the unknown. In this case the unknown would be what goes on blogging tied in with a new relationship (not enough time to foster complete trust).
My knee jerk reaction? If she is going to pull this powertrip after only six months, he has to think further down the road at what he’s prepared to put up with.
1) Does he enjoy this type of relationship? I’m always surprised at how many men like a bit of spice in their women and enjoy a bit of upset on a regular basis.
2) Or does he enjoy peace? And at what lengths will he go to acquire peace? Give up blogging to keep her … and keep giving up whenever she doesn’t like something he’s doing? Or give her up?
But like I said, there are always two sides. A lack of communication is a major issue in relationships (even established ones) so it wouldn’t surprise me if there was a twist to the basic story.
ME Strauss said
Hi Cat,
Great questions all!
It seems that she’s got no interest in finding out about blogging, but, as you say, that’s his tale not his. . . . maybe hers is an enitrely different story.
He might be the kind of guy who has a victim thing going. He might spend all of his time blogging and just think that he pays attention to her. You’re right. Who knows?
Perhaps after a few hours sleep I should write it and have a ounterpoint.
cat said
Just wanted to add in reponse to “she has no interest in finding out why he enjoys blogging so much.”
A compromise means exactly that … he backs off a bit from blogging and she takes on blogging. A trial period.
ME Strauss said
It’s starting to sound like we’re into to counseling.
Blog counseling for the young couple 101.
cat said
Your response was coming in the same time my second one did …
“Perhaps after a few hours sleep”
It’s 11.20 am out here. What time is it out there?
cat said
“Blog counseling for the young couple 101″
hehh hehh … you are so right!
It comes with experience for sure
ME Strauss said
There are a couple of PhDs in the housse, perhaps they could intervene. Can this relationships be saved!????
Diddums said
When I hear of someone making ultimations of this type, my first thought is always “who is behind it?” Usually there’s a support group in the background, saying “you know, it’s not right that he doesn’t spend more time with you,” or “only sad lonely people blog,” or “you don’t know what he might be saying about you, so you better put a stop to it”. There are always the trusted people behind, whispering…
Diddums said
Rats, that should be ‘ultimatums’! Blind spot. Grr.
ME Strauss said
Oh Diddums,
You’re so right. I hadn’t thought abuot that, but I know a person who is very driven by those kind of whispers in her ear . . .
Big Roy said
I could better decide this if you had a picture of her.
ME Strauss said
Well, Big Roy,
Let’s say she’s gorgeous!
Whitney said
Sigh.
Women who make ultimatums about relatively trivial things … especially this early in a relationship … give the rest of us a bad name. In all my years of dating, I’ve never met (or dated) a man who made ultimatums, but every time I turn around, I bump into another woman who talks of “laying down the law” with her significant other. If you have to change someone in order to feel like they’re someone you can stay with, why date them in the first place? People don’t change unless they want to; even if they get henpecked into doing it, it’s usually a matter of time until resentment sets in and they start engaging in the banned behavior on the sly. If you want to remodel, buy a house…don’t pair up with a significant other.
If he was spending excessive hours (and money) on gambling or porn sites, then she’d have a reason to complain. But blogging? Sigh. Lighten up, girlfriend. Use the time to develop hobbies and interests of your own.
Her ultimatum has nothing to do with insecurity…it’s about control and bossiness. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on your way out, girlfriend.
[Climbing off soapbox now...]
timethief said
Never in a million years would I allow another person to have such control over my life. Others have summed the woman (little girl) up quite nicely immature, possessive and manipulative. What the guy in this situation needs to look at after he closes the door behind her is what it is in his character that causes him to attract females like this to him and then correct it.
cat has said: “Does he enjoy this type of relationship? I’m always surprised at how many men like a bit of spice in their women and enjoy a bit of upset on a regular basis.”
I say: she ain’t spice - she’s poison.
ME Strauss said
Hey Whitney!
Welcome!
I’m with you. I’ve never gotten an ultimatum either. Nor do I know guys who give them.
I think that they’re a sign of weakness and neediness and I don’t have much room for them. I wonder at the folks who feel they have the right to impose them on others. . . . Not very giving sorts.
ME Strauss said
Hi timethief,
Yep poison. Still I wonder. Cat’s got a point about whether it’s just his side of the story. . ..
Bloggers Should Date Bloggers - Ramblings of the Mildly Insane said
[...] Apparently, bloggers should date other bloggers…or at least people who get why bloggers blog. [...]
Big Roy said
She’s gorgeous, ok that tells me a lot.
The first thing you have to understand is you’re dealing with a woman. On top of that a gorgeous woman. They don’t think like we do. A gorgeous woman is in her own world where an ultimatum like this is perfectly normal. I don’t blame her, I blame society for making her what she is.
A gorgeous woman requires sacrifice and certain concessions. If you want sensible woman who thinks with common sense than marry one. I’m sure this is not a surprise to this guy. She didn’t just wake up one day and become selfish. I’m sure he knew exactly what he was getting.
Chris @ Martial Development said
I would spend a few minutes trying to find out the real motivation for the ultimatum. The stated reason may just be a convenient excuse.
Issuing ultimatums doesn’t necessarily make you a selfish person. It shows that you know what you want, and what you are willing to sacrifice for it. In many contexts, that is a Good Thing.
That said, I would probably not acquiesce to this; not because I love blogging, but because other, more objectionable demands would surely follow.
ME Strauss said
Oh Big Roy.
Now I have to know . . . she’s scrawny and looks like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.
ME Strauss said
Hi Chris,
I’m not one to acquiesce to anything that looks like an unfair demand. (that may come from being the baby of the family and having done too much of that early in life), but I oworry too about ultimatums dressed up in different clothes for any reasons.
What’s her reason for not wanting to know about why he likes it? or Is this insightful, thoughtful guy on line just a jerk in the real world — could happen . . .
rhiannon said
SHEESH. I absolutely gagged on this statement from Big Roy.
” The first thing you have to understand is you’re dealing with a woman. On top of that a gorgeous woman. They don’t think like we do. A gorgeous woman is in her own world where an ultimatum like this is perfectly normal. I don’t blame her, I blame society for making her what she is.”
WTF to do? Is the presumption here that no one reading this thread qualifies as “gorgeous woman”? And if so shall I belly up to the bar and claim the title I deserve or shall I feign false modesty?
We grow up Roy. We do learn how to think and how to behave. We learn that using our body parts and faces to control others poisons and kills relationships. And we begin the learning process the very first time we try to use our looks to get by as children and adults call us on it and refuse to comply.
We go on to get our college of relationship degrees when a lover we try to pull this power play on looks us in the eye and says: “No flipping way. There’s the door,” and escorts us to the curb. We note that “he who did not capitulate” marries a plump little dumpling. The pattern repeats and we get the help we need to find who we really are deep inside and to develop the security and confidence to operate in another manner.
Enough said.
ME Strauss said
Well done, rhiannon!
I think you’ve said a whole blog post of insights there!
But don’t be hard on Big Roy . . . We’ve all met the woman he’s talking about. He’s just over-generalized.
cat said
When I was in Egypt there was this one temperamental Amoco wife who raised all eyebrows. Refusing to cover her hair in respect of the local religion and culture, with blond strands blowing, she’d drive around Mahdi and Cairo swinging a baseball bat at any car coming within a foot of hers (Egyptians are notorious bad drivers).
After a long post and stormy marriage, the husband divorced her on their return home.
Several years went by when I ran into him again, so inquired about his life. Apparently, after dating around, he ended up marrying a carbon copy of his previous spouse.
He explained, “you know, I really tried to date well balanced women but I finally had to admit to myself that they bored me to tears. Give me drama, give me spice (his description) and let others have peace”.
Each to his own I guess, and proof that the world is made up of all kinds of people. Some are selfish, some kind, some temperamental. Some are driven to line their food up and eat equal portions in rotation, some won’t eat meat, others won’t eat eggs, others eat too much while still others too little. Some snore at night and sleep like babies, some kick in their sleep. Some are bossy, some are meek. But it’s up to each to discover who makes them happy, who ‘fits’ for them.
(… and I still believe there are two sides … and that we don’t have all the story)
Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D. said
Hey all - I sort of came late to the relationship 101, but here are my thoughts. Healthy relationships are based on good communication. Both parties need to be very clear of what their personal needs (and wants) are in a relationship. Then they must communicate those needs to their partner. If our partner is unwilling/unable to meet our most important relationship needs then there is not much hope to create a healthy relationship with that person. When our needs are not being met in a relationship it is our responsibility to ask for what we need. It is also our responsibility to know when to end a relationship that isn’t meeting our needs (and I do know that it is not always so easy). Hope that helps.
ME Strauss said
Cat,
What an amazing story! Not amazing that it happened exactly . . . amazing that it fits here so well and so perfectly.
I like your wisdom and your staunch refusal to hold judgment without having all of the facts.
It is one of the things I most admire about you. That, and your fire about defending it!
ME Strauss said
Hi Kirsten,
Sorry you missed the beginning of the story . . . it seems this one was more interesting than I ever suspected it might be.
My own significant other doesn’t blog, but obviously doesn’t find it a problem in our relationship that I do. So I just wondered what would happen if someone had this sort of problem to face in his or her relationship.
Thank you for your comment and counsel. You’re a real sport to offer your insight. Thank you.
Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D. said
Indeed it looks very interesting! Funny what gets people fired up.
ME Strauss said
Yeah, Kirsten,
I would never have an opinion on either one of them, but I made up the situation to start with so I know that they’re not real.
cat said
Liz,
I’ve lived my life around temperamental women (my mother, grandmother, cousins and aunts were a piece of work, and I have stories about my ex sister inlaw that would curl your toes).
It’s been an education watching how they deal with life, as well as how others react to their personalities.
And sure, when I was younger I admired those who stood their grounds, for whatever reason (usually reasons I felt I had no right to).
Now that I’m older I believe more in compromise and admire those less who are on the lookout for a new issue to tussle with.
These days, even though I’m always taking down the stories that stick out above ‘normal’, the experience is more comfortable from a distance for me!
ME Strauss said
I’m with you on that, Cat.
To me there has been little in life that has been worth fighting about — maybe that’s the legacy of the child who’s 8 and 9 years younger. When you start out knowing you’re not going to win, you find other options than to fight.
Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D. said
It sure makes for an interesting conversation… as I always seem to find here.
ME Strauss said
Hey Kirsten,
My brain gets bored easily and my friend, Peg, says I never walk in a straight line. *she shrugs*
cat said
Ah yes, I know that one. I’m the baby and only girl in a family with two older boys. Being on the end of relentless brotherly teases, one learns how to fight back with what they have. At times that meant smiling and walking away
ME Strauss said
Well described, Cat.
I’m laughing at how true that is.
Kirsten Harrell, Psy.D. said
lol… straight lines aren’t all they are cracked up to be.
ME Strauss said
Kirsten,
I’m laughing. It seems most of my lines ARE cracks.
Big Roy said
“Oh Big Roy.
Now I have to know . . . she’s scrawny and looks like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.”
Kick her to the curb.
“SHEESH. I absolutely gagged on this statement from Big Roy.”
I think you may have missed my overall point Rhiannon. Only because I can be a little crude. My point was this man hooked up with this woman not for her gracious personality, but her looks. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve done it a few times myself. But when you do that don’t complain about what you get.
There are some women who are gorgeous, smart, gracious, and funny. These are not the women who give ultimatums about blogging. I have to take the story as Liz presented it. She is gorgeous and self centered. He knew what he was getting when he got her. The question for him now, is a roll in the sack with a gorgeous self centered women worth not blogging anymore?
ME Strauss said
Hey, Big Roy,
I have to say, based on the facts as you lay them out . . . two guys — one gorgeous, one not — I’d kick ‘em both to the curb. But then, they’d probably never have made it past the first drink . . . I don’t have time for folks like that in any shape or form.
You do bring the question to black and white, no gray, basics. Joe Friday, gimme the facts.
I think that’s one way to take the argument. Fair is fair on that.
cat said
Liz,
I have to chime in here in support of Big Roy. When I was younger, sure, I’d cuddle up to something gorgeous and meaty even if there was a bit of possessiveness about them. All those raging hormones and all.
Back in my late teens and 20’s I was married to a lovely man for ten years who didn’t want me to work because I “just might meet someone”. Eventually I grew out of it as it was just too stiffling (but, it certainly was a wild ride).
Now that I’m older and more comfortable with myself, I prefer more brain and less brawn. More quiet and less spunk. Yeah, instead of kicking up the heels, I’ll even settled for a hot game of bridge or a book for entertainment most days.
ps: I’m chuffed for those who have hit the happy medium. I never did, but life is like that. I expect mine to dip and change many times before I die, so who knows what’s ahead. I’m not going to count anything out, that’s for sure!
ME Strauss said
Cat, (Roy)
I see nothing wrong with Roy’s assessment. i know and love that point of view.
I think your life sounds well lived and amazing. I’m very much at the good book stage . . . that’s the sort of drama that works for me these days.
cat said
Liz, agreed. The good book stage is so “ahhhhh, nice”. But one thing I’ve learned (mostly because it’s always biting me in the butt) is to never say “never”.
Please note: I’m saying this for me, not for others who are steadfast strong in what they believe of their lives. For me, life has been a constant range of surprises. And it’s me surprising myself more than anything else. Bring on 50 is what I say, I’m … Prepared? Ready? Excited to see what happens next? Dunno, it’s all grand and (hopefully) will not in the least boring. Especially as I yearly I gather in amazing roll models.
ME Strauss said
Ah, Cat,
In that respect, every year I think I’ve felt I’ve gotten a little bit better, a little softer like old leather, fit in my skin just a little more comfortably, treated myself and other folks just a little bit more nicely. Maybe by the time I’m 100, I’ll be getting good at this . . .
Of course, now I go to bed earlier and get up too early. :0
cat said
Liz,
I was thinking about something when you asked the original question. Who would I most likely put up with more often (but as a friend, not a lover).
Someone who was a bit selfish and self centred? Or someone who was unkind? I know who I’d prefer.
I go to great lengths to avoid those who have cruel tendencies (to the point of stubbornness), and not so much those who are merely temperamental.
And now I have to get back to work …
ME Strauss said
Yeah, me too, Cat.
I’d take someone selfish over someone mean in a minute. Often the selfish one has no idea.
ann michael said
All I have to say is that I’m glad I’m married to a computer addict. He leaves me alone. I leave him alone.
And… we have plenty of time together as well
Dating - God help you all! You’re in my prayers!
ME Strauss said
Amen, Ann. Amen.
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Jesse said
As someone getting married next month, I would have 2 answers for 2 different situations of this sort.
1) Newly dating: She’s obviously not the one for you. If you can’t be yourself and do the things you enjoy, then your life will be miserable together. The situation this guy is in only has 2 options, be miserable not doing what he enjoys or make her miserable by tolerating something that she does not feel comfortable with.
2) Long-term relationship: Okay, so you’ve been dating a long time and things are getting to the point that you are wanting to spend the rest of your days together, but this has recently (or not) arisen as “an issue,” as they call it in counseling. The time has come for some problem-solving. One of you has to give. The writer can find a new outlet, or a new method of blogging that includes her, she can try to blog something, she can seek counseling on the control issue involving his conversations that are out there for the world to see, etc. Blogging should by no means be the end of any serious relationship where people are already committed to serving and honoring each other. That would be pure folly.
ME Strauss said
Hi Jesse,
Welcome! You have given this question some serious thought. Thank you, we like thinkers here. Problem sovling seems the answer in both cases. This guy’s got a real problem. The question is whether it’s him or her.
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