21 Comments to “Bloggy Question 41: The Junior High Sleep Over”

1. March 25th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
   Tariq Khan said

   First, I would go sit with him, coming alongside rather than coming down on him. I would ask why he wanted to look at the pictures, trying to understand.

   Then I would listen some more if he wanted to tell me more. I would find out who instigated the action, and deal with peer pressure issues.

   I would tell him that I respect his privacy, but that my responsibility to him requires that I check on things if I feel the circumstances warrant, and that that was part of being in a family. I would also tell him that the extent of the privacy he would enjoy would directly relate to his conduct, and that trust would need to be based on his good behavior. The better his behavior, the greater the trust and the greater the privacy he would enjoy.

   Rather than ruining his life, I would explain that I was helping, and how, and that he might not fully understand until he was older. I would explain to him why I considered it inappropriate for him, and that he had violated known rules of our house. He would receive discipline — grounding or loss of privileges (certainly including installing parental control filters on all of the computers in the house), and I would hug him and tell him I love him.

   Then I would consider my responsibilities. The girls in his class are being hurt, and are hurting others with their behavior. Rather than go to my son for names and put him in an awkward position, I would approach their teacher (and pricipal if needed) to ensure that the girl’s parents had an opportunity to deal with the situation. I would also tell the boy’s parents what had happened.

   The last paragraph would be done after telling my son. I would let him know that sometimes it is better to do things that are right, even if we lose friends over it. This would be one of those occasions because the stakes are so high.

   I would reinforce the lessons with my son in coming months by revisiting it as needed. My concern would be regarding peer pressure and resentment.

2. March 25th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Tariq,
   You sure have thought this through. I feel so lucky that a situation such as this one never came up in our house while my son was growing up. The responsibilities to so many kids are so big here and so many parents wouldn’t take kindly to hearing about what their daughters might be doing. This just isn’t an easy one.

   And the truth is both you and your fictional son are likely to end up the bad guys for doing the right thing, because you talked about it.

   I applaude your courage and strength of purpose. And your faith in your son.

3. March 25th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
   Jeff Brown said

   The souls of young ladies are to be protected at all costs. Even against their own poor upbringing, or plain bad judgment.

   That kind of behavior is a gateway so to speak, to other much more damaging acts.

   If I was the parent of a daughter on that video, I would hold the son’s parent accountable, at least partially, if they did not make their knowledge known to me.

   If it was my son? He’s learn in no uncertain terms what it means to think and act as a man. 13 is too old for this behavior to be smoothed over.

4. March 25th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
   Mark Silver said

   Everyone concerned- the young boys, the young girls, and the parent, are just trying to get some legitimate needs met- but not always in the most effective ways.

   For me, the key is to separate out ‘strategy’- what they were actually doing, from the core ‘need’- Tariq was speaking to this some.

   This is a situation that requires a whole lot of empathy and listening, before acting- although for me, like I guess many others, the instinct would be to act immediately, and ask questions later.

   A tough situation, and one which can bring tremendous compassion and connection out of all concerned.

   I would turn to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.

5. March 25th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Jeff!
   It’s good to know that you’re out there thinking, that’s right, thinking about the kids in the scenario, who aren’t thinking at all.

   They imagine they’re just over-size Barbie and Ken dolls doing something they’re supposed to be doing. They don’t even know that you can’t erase the Internet or that the whole world is looking.

   I’m with with you the boy’s parent needs to pass on the word whether it wants to be heard or not. It’s messy situation, but there’s just no other answer that works for the kids involved.

6. March 25th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Mark!
   Welcome!
   Compassion and strategy — those two words seem like a lovely approach to keep a watch on the instinct that might go astray. I sure can see where “fight or flight” would be an issue here.

   Oh my gosh, and we haven’t even begun to consider what happens when the media — small town or otherwise — gets involved. Then there’s the school board, and the folks who just love to pass judgment on things and people that they don’t even know anything about.

7. March 25th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
   Carma Dutra said

   Fortunately, I never had this type of situation when my kids were growing up. I had to worry about kids being on the phone too long, sneaking into R rated movies, sneaking out the window at night after everyone goes to bed.

   Each generation has its own special problems and I believe it gets more difficult for kids as the generations go by and technology advances. Abuses are abundant.

   Oh, Liz, the media. Argghh! More problems could be solved if the media would quit interferring in private affairs.

   You posed a great question and everyone had great solutions. I will write an entire chapter one day.

8. March 25th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Carma!
   You are so right about the media. If only . . . are the words. The kids would be more harmed by what the media might do than by what other conversation could generate.

   Life was simpler then.

9. March 26th, 2007 at 12:47 am
   Alina Popescu said

   I am not a parent yet, but this is how I see the issue. The “why” here is pretty obvious. As in why the boys were watching the video. It is an age where hormones and simple curiosity play a big part. My male friends saw the first pornographic video at about the same age i guess (on a different medium though). it was a group thing, someone found one such tape and they all watched and had one thought: gross. Still, it needed to be experienced I guess.

   First of all, I agree the conversation with the son should be just that: talking, not making him feel he is questioned and faces a big punishment. The parent should get to the core information: who initiated the video, who uploaded on a website, how many people know.

   I also agree all parents involved should know. I include parents of the other two boys here, not only those of the girls involved.

   What else I would do? Well,for the girls parents, I would really monitor what they are reading. If we stop and think a little about it, this is hardly coming as a shock. I saw a Barbie magazine commercial the other day. A 10-year old dressed up, with lots of make up and a very complicated hairdo, trying to look sexy/provocative (to me it looked silly). And the slogan was “Barbie, your best friend”. This is only one of the models they grow up with.

   Looks as a crucial factor is still something we promote. The results are painful: too much interest for sex, looking appealing and attractive for the opposite sex, obsession with weight etc. And this all starts sooner for each generation.

10. March 26th, 2007 at 12:59 am
    Rory said

    I think I would be more likely to handle it as simply as possible.

    I’m not keen on the “why” question – it only serves to put our child in an even more embarrassing position than he is already in, having been caught by his parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the “bloom of youth”. They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

    I’m not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and I think this creates barriers between parent and child. It doesn’t matter who started it.

    We can also ignore the “invading his privacy” bit because this is all smoke and mirrors and bluff from guilt.

    On first catching them: “Looks like you guys are having fun. I’d prefer that you use the internet for something else.”

    Later, when the friends are gone, you can inquire a little more, preempted by a phrase like, “I must admit to feeling alittle uneasy about the webpage you guys were looking at. I’m a bit concerned for the girl, too.” And allow the conversation to unfold from there.

    I’m pretty sure I would only be likely to inform the girl’s parents whose flickr webpage it was , and trust that they would take it from there.

    I don’t believe any of this is an abdication of responsibility. I just believe in the less-is-more route.

11. March 26th, 2007 at 2:35 am
    lebinbah said

    I would have to suggest the following, talk to him, give him the sex talk and monitor from afar. He is a teenager who is hitting puberty and what he is doing is something really normal. Trying to come down on him or tell him how bad it is will seem so illogical to him at the moment which in turn will drive him to pursue it even more vigorously. Let him live his age and things will be fine

12. March 26th, 2007 at 6:31 am
    Jesse Petersen said

    Hey Liz!

    Great question, as it gets to the core of the value we place on each other. What value do we place on children, our children, others’ children, and ourselves.

    It is totally unacceptable to sweep this under the rug, as the boys were clearly aware that what they are doing was wrong.

    The girls were also aware of the same thing, or they would not have known about posing for the picures.

    IMHO, and I’m only coming at this from morals and logic (thankfully not experience), this needs to be handled in several phases that may or may not go as planned.

    First, I would sit with my son and ask him why he was embarrased that I walked by as he was doing it. This is to get to the heart of the guilt issue. The idea is not to shame him, but to have him think through why he automatically knew he was wrong. We would discuss the value of women and how they are not to be treated as objects of our minds or bodies.

    I would contact the parents of the other boys and let them know what happened, that they were aware of their actions, and what I have done with my son.

    I would contact the teacher(s) of the girls to see if they know the parents of the girls. If they are from stable families, I would contact the families. I would only go as far as to say that there are inappropriate pictures of them from their slumber party on a website and that boys at school are aware of them and that they are attempting to gain attention and that they have succeeded.

    My 2 cents. Thanks for the brain-work.

13. March 26th, 2007 at 7:31 am
    For the parents… at The CanningBranch said

    [...] Through the course of my daily dose of RSS feeds, I came across this doozy from Liz Strauss’s Successful Blog. It is a great question, and something that every parent must think about as their children approach puberty. With both a daughter and a son, I could end up on either side of this situation. [...]

14. March 26th, 2007 at 10:50 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Alina!
    Welcome! I got so involved in reading your comment. How insightful to check what the kids are reading. Not everyone would think of that.

    Might I add, maybe the kids should be reading more. There’s some great YA fiction for kids this age facing issues like this. It’s not hard to find. One I’ve read is “Goats.” Someone recently told me about a series for pre-teen girls “The Beacon Street Girls” that’s doing well.

    Books are great opportunity for kids to talk about things they face without having to talk about themselves.

    Thanks Alina!
    You’re not a stranger anymore.

15. March 26th, 2007 at 10:53 am
    ME Strauss said

    Rory!
    In a million years, I don’t know anyone who read your blog who’d think you’d be a slacker parent on any issue!!!

    Your advice is heartfelt, thoughtful, and compassionate, just like the guy giving it. Thanks for offering the words to start with. That’s often the hardest part, finding the words.

    It shows that you’re a guy with parenting experience.

16. March 26th, 2007 at 10:55 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi lebinbah!
    You’re so right about trying to shut him down — that will only give him a reason to ramp things up. I call this time in life young lion versus old lion. It’s when nature tells us we’re supposed to start moving away from home.

17. March 26th, 2007 at 10:58 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Jesse,
    “The core value we place on each other.”

    That stands out to me. If I had been in this situation I hope I would have thought to say those words to my son.

    We don’t need to take about what’s wrong if we talk about what’s right loud enough.

18. March 27th, 2007 at 5:45 am
    Alina Popescu said

    You are absolutely right! Children should read more, but more of the good stuff I have a long list of childhood readings. I still remember the stories with great pleasure, be it fairy tales, novels or short stories. All children should be granted that. Books about adolescence, first love, sexual impulses, there are a few great books by Romanian writers. I am sure that is true of every country. I only know a few. And it would help a lot.

19. April 26th, 2007 at 3:26 am
    Discipline - How Parents Can Handle Children’s Internet Voyeurism said

    [...] month Liz posed this charmer: This afternoon you pass your son’s room. He has two boys from his 8th grade class over. All [...]

20. April 29th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
    Whoa said

    This is a hot topic in my country right now.

    About a year ago or so, videos where found that implicated an attorney in a scandal, but he first acted his way to a hospital then got free. The judge found no foul “because the girls were consenting” and “we should blame their parents”. An absolute outrage.

    Then the media reported about a female american tourist uncovering a camera inside a dressing room at a local, well known, waterpark. When he was about to be confronted by the lady, he went away, AFAIK, he’s still missing.

    The most recent case was about some boys (I suppose between ages 15-17) distributing disturbing photos of their ex girlfriends via cellphone, internet and email. Judges have just recently modified the laws so even if the ones involved with distribution of this kind of material are minors they still get jail time.

    What worries me in this last case is… Who is teaching the girls what’s right and wrong? Why do they do it? And i have to point fingers to their parents, their schools and the media.

    People often tend to shun such subjects because they are considered taboo. But self respect, and dignity should not be.

    This subject is the one that troubles me most because i have seen poor interest on it.

    Perhaps this kind of subjects have to be discussed beforehand, so when your kids find this questionable (or aberrant) material they have your voice on their heads saying “You know better than this”. My parents did it with me and it really does make a difference.

    My response… Rory’s seems perfect to me. The more taboo you make out of it the more they will seek it.

    Now what about a second offense? How does one treat that?

21. April 29th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Whoa!
    You bring so many great examples to the comment box. Everyone of them is disturbing. Why do we take the humanity out of each other? We forget that the people that we do these things to are, in fact, people.

    A first offense should come with some sort of humanity wake up call. I wish I knew how to define what that might be.