Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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July 27, 2006

Editorial Makeover 2: Music and Variety

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 9:38 am

Listen in

Editorial Makeover logo

Okay, Liz. Here are a couple of paragraphs for you to edit. I’m excited about this opportunity, and have a really tough skin.

Blessings,

Shirley

Hi Shirley,
I don’t think you’ll be needing that thick skin. You’ve something that’s a great start. I feel like my job is to take A level work and move it to A++ work. In other words, you’ve left all of the fun part for me. :)

I went back to read the post that these paragraphs came from, because I had to know whether both paragraphs were talking about the same person. That wasn’t clear to me as a reader, even when I read the whole post, until I went back to your reference so I added the name of the young man in the first paragraph.

What I’ve done beyond that is change the sequence of things of the first paragraph to grab the reader more quickly. Then I added variety in sentence length and sentence type, put your thoughts into first person, changing a few words to add power to the description or music to the language. These changes were minimal edits really. I did the music part by reading it aloud several times to hear the rhythm of the words as they fell off my lips. So if you question a word change or a phrase added that’s probably what prompted it.

I also added a sentence for closure. This sentence is probably unnecessry in the actual post since you go on to other things. But as these two paragraphs standing alone. I felt the need to have an ending.

Remember, as always, this is only one way to edit it! Every editor edits differently.

Smiles,
Liz

Turn the page to look over my should as I do the editorial makeover. It’s called, “Music and Variety”

Before

This amazing story reveals the study results of the “miraculous” recovery of a man who spent nearly two decades in a minimally conscious state. Thrown from the back of a truck, he suffered massive brain injuries. Suddenly, 19 years later, he began speaking, revealing the unsuspected potential of the brain to regenerate.

Last evening, I viewed pictures of Logan, the son of a couple I met through this blog. The extensive pictures began with his sonogram, and now show the beautiful face of this tiny oriental child. I was struck again at the incredible God I serve and His creative powers and inscrutable Being. His ways are far above ours, and of His knowledge and intelligence there is no full understanding.

After

His name was Terry. Thrown from the back of a truck, he suffered massive brain injuries. He had been unreachable, minimally conscious for 19 years. Yet one day, he began speaking, revealing the unsuspected potential of the brain to regenerate.
This amazing story reveals the “miraculous” recovery of a man who spent nearly two decades in a minimally conscious state. . . .

Last evening, a couple shared a series of pictures with me. The pictures were of their son, Logan. The series began with his sonogram, and progressed to the beautiful face of a newly born Asian child. I was filled with awe. In that moment, I saw the incredible God I serve — His creative powers and inscrutable Being. I am struck by His ways so far above ours, at His knowledge and intelligence so beyond understanding, at His presence in that childs’ so beautiful face, at His hand in that man’s recovery after so much silence, at the way He shows himself to me.

Want an Editorial Makeover?
Send 2-3 paragraphs of your writing. I’ll use your work for the next makeover. I’ll be gentle and I’ll keep it confidential. If you’re worried, you might have a friend send your submission for you. Email your work to Editorial Makeover at lizsun2@gmail.com

–ME “Liz” Strauss
If you’d like Liz to coach you with your writing, visit the Work with Liz!! page in the sidebar.

Related articles
NEW POWER WRITING FEATURE: An Editorial Makeover
Editorial Makeover 1: Don’t Tell Me, Show Me
See the Power Writing for Everyone series on the SUCCESSFUL SERIES page





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12 Comments to “Editorial Makeover 2: Music and Variety”

  1. July 27th, 2006 at 11:16 am
    shirley buxton said

    Thank you, Liz. I especially prefer that you began the “make-over” paragraph with: His name was Terry. Certainly better than mine.

    You are a sweetheart to take on such a project. Glad you tackled mine.

    Shirley Buxton
    http://www.writenow.wordpress.com

  2. July 27th, 2006 at 11:18 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Shirley,
    No, not better — different. Another way of doing it. That’s what editorial is. One more possibility an attempt to make the message clearer not better. :)

  3. July 27th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
    Jason Boog said

    Fantastic re-write Liz. You got a knack for this sort of thing. My inner-Walt-Whitman is proud of you…

  4. July 27th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Jason,
    I’ve been doing this sort thing for a VERY long time, Jason. Time teaches you where to look and what most people do by habit. So that helps a lot.

    Thank you, Mr. Boog-Whitman.

    Ms. Alcott-Strauss is blushing. :)

  5. July 27th, 2006 at 6:58 pm
    taorist said

    …and you’re doing this for free? You are an ANGEL!

  6. July 27th, 2006 at 8:48 pm
    ME Strauss said

    I’m not an angel. Thank you for thinking so.

  7. July 27th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
    taorist said

    You’re mine and Robyn’s anyway.

  8. July 27th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Always there for you and Robyn. Yes!

  9. July 29th, 2006 at 12:49 pm
    Tammy said

    Introducing him by name in the first sentence gives it a profoundly personal touch to the story. From the beginning we know his name then what happened to him followed by how we are changed by knowing his story. Very nice job ~ Tammy :-)

  10. July 29th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Tammy,
    Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your saying so. Your feedback is a nice reminder of how a reader sees what I do. :)

  11. July 29th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
    Tammy said

    I’m still so very new to thinking along these lines but I think that is where the gift is ~ think about what you want to say - the key points then weave in what will make a reader stay close to the words. Myself - I get caught up in what “I” want to say then try to rework it so that it’s not about me and my thoughts but what the reader can take away from it.

    Instead, when I read your writing it’s like the words are only about the subject and what the reader should know.

    Yes, it’s the writers voice but the words and placement is focused on bridging the gap between the subject and the reader.

    This is how I see this editing you did.

    When I read a novel I notice how a sentence or paragraph is in a place (actually out of place) because suddenly you feel the author talking - not the story or narrator. It’s incongruent maybe? It doesn’t usually jump out at you but it’s there.

    When a story, an article or a book have a strong continous voice that serves as the link between the subject and the reader - then it “works”

    I learn alot from these sharings of what you do.

  12. July 30th, 2006 at 9:04 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Tammy
    What great analysis. I did not know the words to describe what you say so well here. You would make a wonderful teacher.

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