Okay, Liz. Here are a couple of paragraphs for you to edit. I’m excited about this opportunity, and have a really tough skin.
I don’t think you’ll be needing that thick skin. You’ve something that’s a great start. I feel like my job is to take A level work and move it to A++ work. In other words, you’ve left all of the fun part for me. 🙂
I went back to read the post that these paragraphs came from, because I had to know whether both paragraphs were talking about the same person. That wasn’t clear to me as a reader, even when I read the whole post, until I went back to your reference so I added the name of the young man in the first paragraph.
What I’ve done beyond that is change the sequence of things of the first paragraph to grab the reader more quickly. Then I added variety in sentence length and sentence type, put your thoughts into first person, changing a few words to add power to the description or music to the language. These changes were minimal edits really. I did the music part by reading it aloud several times to hear the rhythm of the words as they fell off my lips. So if you question a word change or a phrase added that’s probably what prompted it.
I also added a sentence for closure. This sentence is probably unnecessry in the actual post since you go on to other things. But as these two paragraphs standing alone. I felt the need to have an ending.
Remember, as always, this is only one way to edit it! Every editor edits differently.
Turn the page to look over my should as I do the editorial makeover. It’s called, “Music and Variety”
This amazing story reveals the study results of the Ã¢â¬ÅmiraculousÃ¢â¬Â recovery of a man who spent nearly two decades in a minimally conscious state. Thrown from the back of a truck, he suffered massive brain injuries. Suddenly, 19 years later, he began speaking, revealing the unsuspected potential of the brain to regenerate.
Last evening, I viewed pictures of Logan, the son of a couple I met through this blog. The extensive pictures began with his sonogram, and now show the beautiful face of this tiny oriental child. I was struck again at the incredible God I serve and His creative powers and inscrutable Being. His ways are far above ours, and of His knowledge and intelligence there is no full understanding.
His name was Terry. Thrown from the back of a truck, he suffered massive brain injuries. He had been unreachable, minimally conscious for 19 years. Yet one day, he began speaking, revealing the unsuspected potential of the brain to regenerate.
This amazing story reveals the Ã¢â¬ÅmiraculousÃ¢â¬Â recovery of a man who spent nearly two decades in a minimally conscious state. . . .
Last evening, a couple shared a series of pictures with me. The pictures were of their son, Logan. The series began with his sonogram, and progressed to the beautiful face of a newly born Asian child. I was filled with awe. In that moment, I saw the incredible God I serve — His creative powers and inscrutable Being. I am struck by His ways so far above ours, at His knowledge and intelligence so beyond understanding, at His presence in that childs’ so beautiful face, at His hand in that man’s recovery after so much silence, at the way He shows himself to me.
Want an Editorial Makeover?
Send 2-3 paragraphs of your writing. I’ll use your work for the next makeover. I’ll be gentle and I’ll keep it confidential. If you’re worried, you might have a friend send your submission for you. Email your work to Editorial Makeover at firstname.lastname@example.org
Ã¢â¬âME Ã¢â¬ÅLizÃ¢â¬Â Strauss
If you’d like Liz to coach you with your writing, visit the Work with Liz!! page in the sidebar.