Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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April 29, 2009

How Do Get You People to Stop Listening to Words and Start Hearing Ideas?

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 7:51 am

Semantics Isn’t Conversation

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In any conversation, a simple word I choose may have an unexpected effect on you. I have no way of knowing when you have “history” with ordinary words I regularly use.

A word such as curiosity, or money, or gorgeous might trigger a specific and negative response. I’ll have no clue that I’ve touched off feelings, negative feelings. I won’t suspect that one word has changed the tone of my presentation from neutral to negative.

It’s an accident because of something or someone in the past.

Looking for the Wrong Words

What folks encounter negative words it’s easy for them to have negative thoughts. They transfer their experience to the the person who said them, even when the words said aren’t thought of as hurtful, negative, or mean to most people. Communication breaks. Those listeners get distracted in that way.

It’s confusing when folks flinch at something we think is innocuous. We often feel misunderstood and try to explain that we meant no harm. It’s a defensive posture that rarely works. Rather than getting caught in explanation, looking for the tripwire word can be most helpful. If we ask about the message received, we avoid the risk putting our focus on our own intentions, but on the hearing the person who feels something wrong was said.

Here are some ways to bring the focus back to listening — when it seems that we’re getting distracted by words, and not hearing ideas.

In other words, let the person talking know you value what he or she is saying. Signal everyone around that person’s importance to all who might be around. Listen actively. In other words, pay attention with the expectation that you will be asked to solve a problem with the very next question.

Conversations sometimes derail over words that we think about differently. When that happens how do you get people to stop listening to words and start hearing ideas?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
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5 Comments to “How Do Get You People to Stop Listening to Words and Start Hearing Ideas?”

  1. April 29th, 2009 at 8:00 am
    Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach said

    “When that happens how do you get people to stop listening to words and start hearing ideas?”

    You preface your comments by, “I know your mileage may vary, but here’s from where I’m coming - please let me finish my idea and then tell me your reaction.”

    If you’re in a formal setting, you can ask the person to repeat back to you just what you said - it’s amazing how many things can be misunderstood by interpretation.

    Data points, Barbara

  2. April 29th, 2009 at 8:49 am
    Kurt Scholle said

    Does it help to identify and use ‘positive reaction’ keywords by researching what people are looking for in search engines?

    If you were to research the words (and variations) you intend to use using a keyword research tool, would that help in determining what words might resonate more with your audience?

    How can you determine if a word will have a negative impact? Then how do you select suitable replacements?

    – Kurt

  3. April 29th, 2009 at 9:14 am
    Chris Anthony | Lost in Translation said

    Kurt, I think negatively-charged words are going to vary from person to person. I’m not sure a search engine is going to help you in one-to-one conversation - in blog posts, perhaps, but even then you have the opportunity to engage a bruised reader one-on-one.

    Liz, this is a great post - thank you for writing it. I think the converse is also true: it’s important, when you’ve received a negative reaction from a word, to examine whether you’re reacting to the ideas or the words used to convey them (and the concepts, as well; “you’re fat and lazy” doesn’t generally go over as well as “you’re at risk for cardiac disease and diabetes” :).

  4. May 3rd, 2009 at 3:16 am
    Birte said

    You start by saying that we can’t know if a word may be loaded for someone else, positively or negatively.
    But we can’t be responsible for the feelings of others. There is absolutely no way anyone can know the emotional value for someone else of any word.

    Active listening should always be applied, in personal or business conversations. Active listening will cause the other side to think that you are a most interesting person, even if you never said a word.

    It is said that in any conversation the words account for 20% of communication, 80% comes from body language, which of course include facial expression.

  5. March 12th, 2010 at 8:34 am
    Community Update #12: Talking about talking about talking said

    [...] Strauss (the Successful and Outstanding Blog chick) wrote a great post about how to recover from a communication landmine. She gives a different approach to coming to terms and what did you [...]

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