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August 17, 2006

How Evil Pronouns Cause Arguments

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 10:36 am

Give Me Pronouns to Tick You Off

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Anyone who has been in any important relationship knows that most arguments aren’t about money, broken promises, or misbehavior. They are about words. Words cause misunderstandings and broken contracts. In the end, what arguments are usually about is that what was said and what was received didn’t match up.

Certain words make this happen particularly often, nicely said they are unclear referents. Evil pronouns is what I call them.

Let me show you how they cause arguments, er misunderstandings. Evil pronouns in question below are in bold.

IT Husband: So Larry, and the dog, and I went out jogging. He got tired and was a pain to deal with for the rest of the afternoon.

ME: Who?

IT Husband: Who? What?

ME: Who got tired and was cranky?

IT Husband: You know who I mean.

ME: No, I don’t. Was it Larry or the dog?

IT Husband: You weren’t listening. Were you?

[technically he in the original sentence would refer to the dog]

Need another example?

ME: Marcy said, “All married women are single parents.” I thought it was funny. What do you think about that? Do you think it is offensive?

IT Husband: I don’t find it offensive that you thought it was funny.

ME: That’s not what I was asking.

IT Husband: Yes it was.

ME: No, I used an unclear referrent. What I meant to ask was whether you thought what Marcy said was offensive.

IT Husband: But that’s not what you asked.

ME: You’re right, but it’s what I want to know. . . .

[technically that and it in the original sentence refer to what I thought]

Want one more?

IT Husband: We need to write a letter to the phone company.

ME: We?

IT Husband: Yeah. Us.

ME: You really mean me. Don’t you?

IT Husband: Well, you are the writer in the house. Are you refusing?

ME: No, I just wanted to be clear who’s really doing the work. . . .

Enough said about conversation.

How to Control Those Pronouns

You can control those evil pronouns in conversation and even more when you write. Here are two tricks to keep them in line.

Of course, you can’t rely on other folks to follow that. So when you speak or write, include clues that keep the identify of your pronouns obvious. Listen for responses that might show that your conversation partner has misunderstood you. Look in your writing for opportunities to add details that make the identity of your pronouns unmistakable.

Do those things and you’ll not only communicate more clearly, but . . . you might even find that you argue less frequently. Okay about new topics then. :)

I’m sure you’ve been undermined at least once by evil pronouns. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about them.

–Me “Liz” Strauss
If you think Liz can help with a problem you’re having with your business, your brand or your blog, check out the Work with Liz!! page in the sidebar.

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20 Comments to “How Evil Pronouns Cause Arguments”

  1. August 17th, 2006 at 11:00 am
    Joe said

    Hey Liz,
    I thought Larry Was the Dog. Not because of how it was written, but the way I read it.
    Sometimes, no matter how well we read or speak, people may still misunderstand.

    Question, Does HE mind being used as an example? (not Larry the dog ;-) )

  2. August 17th, 2006 at 11:04 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hey Joe,
    That’s so interesting that you bring that up. I originally had it as Larry, and the dog, and I . . . I think I’ll put that back.

    The dog has taught me more than Larry ever could. :)

  3. August 17th, 2006 at 11:12 am
    Brian Clark said

    You nailed this one… one of the things that drives me crazy, even though we all do it.

    A lack of precision in communication is highly inefficent. Your husband should appreciate that!

  4. August 17th, 2006 at 11:13 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Brian,
    My IT husband appreciates the inefficiency. Only he sees always as mine. On our 20th anniversary, I told him that I get the next 20 years. :)

  5. August 17th, 2006 at 12:44 pm
    Rico said

    Hi Liz,

    Personally, aside from repeating the nouns as you mention, I find the Thesaurus a handy tool to keep those damn pronouns in check. Of course, this wont work for proper nouns (I mean, how else can you say Rico?), but at least repitition can become your last resort. :)

    Simply my $0.02. But I’ve also fallen under the spell of those evil pronouns. Sometimes, when I review my work, the repeating HEs, SHEs, ITs, and THEYs literally become grating. :(

  6. August 17th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Let’s see, instead of Rico . . .
    Handsome man
    fine writer
    gracious visitor
    intelligent communicator
    enjoyable friend
    insightful thinker

    Will you be needing more? :)

  7. August 17th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
    Big Roy said

    “ME: Marcy said, “All married women are single parents.” I thought it was funny. What do you think about that? Do you it is offensive?”

    Should the last sentence read “Do you find it is offensive?”

    How would you fix these particular sentences without being wordy?

  8. August 17th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Roy,
    It originally said “it’s offensive.” But for this exercise I was trying to isolate the pronouns.

  9. August 17th, 2006 at 1:01 pm
    Big Roy said

    I wasn’t trying to be picky. I was just trying to make sure I understood it. I think I’m probably guilty of making these mistakes. Especially with the type of blog I write.

  10. August 17th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Roy,
    I never thought for a second that you were trying to be picky. I’m glad you asked. :)

  11. August 17th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
    Rico said

    Liz: Haha! Sasha’s correct about you: you’re one witty woman! Yes, the thesaurus technically won’t work, but as you’ve shown, adjectives do quite well. :D

    Big Roy: I can imagine your dillema of trying to come up with new ways of writing “Imus,” when he’s the central figure of the your blog! :-o I’m sure Liz will be great help (see comment #6), but let’s see what I can provide:

    Host
    Former Shock-Jock(?)
    Democratic Republican
    Republic Democrat
    Political Commentator

    Stuff like that. :)

  12. August 17th, 2006 at 1:16 pm
    ME Strauss said

    That’s it, Rico.
    Now you’re cooking!

  13. August 17th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
    DavidC said

    lol, Liz, good stuff.

    Not an exact match, but when I was a kid this was a typical conversation at our dinner table:

    Me: Ed [older brother], can you pass the salt?
    Ed: Yes
    [5-10 seconds silence, with no movement on his part]
    Me: [sigh...]Okay, will you please pass me the salt? Sometime tonight would be good…

    The ‘we’ conversation with spouse is right on target. I will usually say: “We, meaning you, of course, should do….” This keeps things clear in our house. Not that that’s how it actually ends up, but I do try to delegate when possible :)

  14. August 17th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
    ME Strauss said

    David,
    What was fun about writing this post is that I don’t know anyone who hasn’t experience this in some form or another. I often say to my husband it’s not fair. “When I misunderstand you, I misheard and when you misunderstand me, I misspoke.”

    PS I think your brother knew my brother. :)

  15. August 17th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
    Big Roy said

    Thanks for the comment Rico…I am always looking for help.

    One thing I do to break things up is use Imus in the first sentence, use He in the second, and then use Imus or Mr. Imus in the third. So it doesn’t sound redundant.

    I’m just using that as an example. But I try to use the method whether I am talking about Imus or a guest.

    If anyone has a suggestion I am always open.

  16. August 17th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Roy,
    That’s a professional writer’s technique. You’re doing it right the way you’re doing it. You could add terms like “the main man behind the microphone,” but you’d have to pick one or two short ones and use them consistently.

  17. August 17th, 2006 at 7:16 pm
    Big Roy said

    Thanks Liz, that makes me feel better.

  18. August 17th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Roy,
    Everything you’ve said and done today proves your gut reaction is the right one. Do what you know is the right answer.You’ll be fine!

  19. September 2nd, 2006 at 9:11 am
    Scot Herrick’s BizBlog » Blog Archive » Best Blog Articles - 08-20-2006 said

    [...] How Evil Pronouns Cause Arguments is a continuing series on better writing presented by Liz Strauss at Successful Blog. I’m particularly culpable when it comes to using pronouns incorrectly and this was a good review updating my English classes – from the 1970’s… [...]

  20. October 12th, 2006 at 10:10 am
    Successful Blog - How Writing is Like Getting a Nervous Chihuahua to Stop Peeing said

    [...] 2. unclear referents I wrote about these in How Evil Pronouns Cause Arguments. An example might be a work that involves a passage about two men that might mislead in this way So he gave him some money. and he thought it wasn’t nearly enough. Just which guy thought that it wasn’t nearly enough? Though grammar establishes which man he should refer to, can we be sure that the author meant that guy? [...]

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