Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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April 22, 2007

Isn’t It About Permission?

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 8:41 am

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I was traveling from rural Massachuetts to Chicago. I had taken a job here. My family hadn’t moved yet. I lived in a hotel and went home every other weekend. I knew everyone in the hotel. When it was possible, they gave me the same bedroom every time that I returned.

One boy who worked security was going to Junior College. I helped him with his Algebra every night between 11pm and midnight The folks in the restaurant became my surrogate family. I often stayed past closing. We had conversations about our lives and about how we came to be the people that we are.

One person who worked in the restaurant was going through some particularly hard times. She was weathering them well. One night after the closing, we stayed talking well into the time when the rest of the city was asleep. It was below freezing outside, and the conversation was warm.

My friend, Gina, told about her mother who had died. I told her about mine. We talked about our brothers. We exchanged notes on our respective only children. We shared a mother’s care and a mother’s pride.

Then she told me about her guilt — how she had let the whole world down. Wow, that was my thought, she’s let me down and I didn’t even know it. This generous lady who was always smiling. had let down the whole world. Wait until the world found out. Her life, as she knew it, was so over.

Those words are exactly what I told her.

She said, “You don’t understand. I had to sell some of my mom’s furniture and get a second mortgage on my mom’s house. It was the only option, but my brother is furious.”

I said, “I understand. In the way that only humans can, you seem to have gotten stuck in how the problem is about you and the whole world. I don’t know another way to say this, but the whole world isn’t thinking about you.”

“What?”

“The whole world doesn’t need to you to be feeling guilty.”

“I get that, but I still do.”

“Do you see a time in the future that you will be happy again?”

“Of course I do.”

“Can I make you happy?”

“No, no one can.”

“But you will be?

“YES!”

“So there will be a point in the future at which you will decide that you have felt guilty long enough and you’ll allow yourself to be happy again?”

[silence -- thinking]

“So, why wait? Why not just give yourself permission to be happy now? You’ve got no reason to beat yourself up. It really was your only choice, even I can see that. Wait six months or do it now, at some point you’re going to give yourself permission to be happy.”

[silence -- thinking -- smile] “I’m going to do it now. I hereby give myself permission to be happy.”

“I always knew you were a clever one.”

“Let’s have a glass of wine before you head out in the cold.”

She still has permission.

. . .

It really is about permission, isn’t it?

–ME “Liz” Strauss





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5 Comments to “Isn’t It About Permission?”

  1. April 22nd, 2007 at 7:00 pm
    Valeria Maltoni said

    Liz:

    You sure can weave a great story together. What an example of how we can choose every moment what we carry with us. Thank you.

  2. April 22nd, 2007 at 7:03 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Valeria!
    It is so great to see you. Yeah it really is about how we can choose what we carry. I wish I could remember that more often. You know that’s why I write about it — to remind myself. :)

    You’re welcome.

  3. April 23rd, 2007 at 10:15 am
    Basleter said

    I am glad it did work out for her :).

    I am afraid it isnt that easy to give yourself permission to be happy.

    I have had a situation where I felt guilty about hurting someone. I always thought as you told Gina that probably that person has forgiven me (she told me that). But, somehow I kept falling in and out of the guilty phase.

    I guess I was afraid to come out and loved feeling sorry about myself. Now, that I am done with that, I think it is actually a cowardly act to feel sorry about yourself.

    You think that okay, if I feel sorry about myself, I will not be hurt if someone else blames me (for the thing I am guilty about).

    The brave and right thing to do would be to stand up for your errors. Its just not about being happy, even if you are sad after coming out of the guilt phase, you have to do it. All humans make mistakes, but only the worthy ones can stand up to their’s. Plus, the one who forgives you for the guilt is probably the greatest person alive.

    As my Bmom told me the other day: ” Give her scope to be good.” So the next time somebody does something bad to you, please try to forgive them and prevent them from a life of pain.

  4. April 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hey there, :)
    When I stand up to stay, “I behaved badly and I’m sorry for that.” I stop there and listen as hard as I can so that I’ll understand all of the reasons that my behavior was hurtful. If I truly understand and the person knows that, we end better friends at the end of the conversation. The chance for lingering feelings doesn’t happen, because we have figured out what caused the problem.

  5. May 6th, 2007 at 2:41 am
    Empowering Links: Week of 6th May - Life Coaches said

    [...] not just give yourself permission to be happy now? Who’s giving who permission to be [...]

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