31 Comments to “Keeping Track of Our Love”

1. August 11th, 2007 at 8:50 am
   Karin H. said

   how one person often wants to pay for the simplest favor

   A sad person indeed; feeling ‘not worthy’ of friendship, unconditional lovingly help.

   Karin H. (Keep It simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

2. August 11th, 2007 at 8:53 am
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Karin,
   Yeah, it’s easy to be offended thinking someone sees me as having to be bought . . . then after we look closer we see that the buyer feels he or she has to buy affection. It is sad, deeply sad to me.

3. August 11th, 2007 at 9:03 am
   Karin H. said

   Isn’t it just, but so many ’suffer’ from it I’m afraid (and all of us once in a while).

   It’s posts like this or a gentle reminder from a gentle person that shows us that others really do like to spend time with us for what we are, enjoy helping out without questions asks.

   Then we can through away our ‘track-records’ and start enjoying that what is given to us wholeheartedly (two-way word ;-))

   Karin H.

4. August 11th, 2007 at 9:06 am
   Rich G. said

   Isn’t that tragic. I’ve encountered it myself and my answer is always to laugh at their offer, tell them to put away their money and explain that the proper answer to a favor is always a sincere, heart-felt “thank you!” The laughter is a tension breaker, a “It’s a small thing here” so they don’t feel awkward. It’s a put them at their ease laugh… a defusing laugh. Not a mocking laugh

   I also suggest the whole pay it forward to collect their own thank-yous as well.

   I head off future problems by pointing out that compliments are also accepted with a “thank you” and not a “Oh… this old thing? I got it on sale at…” People who can’t say Thank you in one instance often aren’t good at it in others.

5. August 11th, 2007 at 9:10 am
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Karin!
   I’ve found that when I take my focus off myself most people enjoy my company. It’s an amazingly attractive trait to be other-centered and it costs nothing at all.

6. August 11th, 2007 at 9:13 am
   Karin H. said

   Rich C:

   Compliments: Don’t giggle them away, smile them IN

   (courtesy of Peggy Claus)

   Liz

   Right you are. It costs nothing and brings so much - both ways: enjoyment, acknowledgement and acceptance.

   Karin H.

7. August 11th, 2007 at 9:19 am
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Rich C.
   Welcome!
   It works so well to make some folks feel comfortable works in the lovely way you describe. I can see them learning to smile as you speak.

   It’s the ones without trust that are the harder nut to crack. We have to value you them for them to learn to value themselves. Taking on that job is a huge endeavor in some cases. In other cases, it’s close to impossible.

   My friend Peg says that in such cases, we have two choices “love them out of it or tease them out of it.” In the end they have to accept what we have to give.

8. August 11th, 2007 at 9:20 am
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Karin!
   Yep,
   Like a sower, we can toss our seeds. Then we must wait to see whether they take root.

9. August 11th, 2007 at 10:20 am
   Brian Brady said

   Wow! The goofy part is that he (the payee) probably felt he would insult you if he didn’t offer.

   I often had a similar problem in that I often trivialized the “thank yous” I received. I would wave them off with a “Aww, it was nothing”. What I didn’t realize is that I cheapened the favor I gave.

   Today, I respond, “It was my pleasure; that’s what friends do for each other”

10. August 11th, 2007 at 10:27 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Brian!
    I know what you are saying. I used to wave off things I did as well. I didn’t realize that I not only devalue my favor, but also the people who were valuing. Once I learned to put myself in the place of the other person, I realized I needed to see the value through their eyes. Then I knew more

11. August 11th, 2007 at 10:44 am
    Pamir said

    I agree that love is free & best shared freely, unconditionally.

    At the same time, in relationships a qualitative check-in once in a while can keep things honest. Sometimes, it’s so easy to not show up, i.e., not be there, then think it makes it alright to say, “But I love you.”

    Love is action too. Yes however, its truest expression is that we love for love’s sake and nothing else.

12. August 11th, 2007 at 11:14 am
    jon said

    Unfortunately, many people have been trained by life or by family members or even by theology that there is no such thing as grace or that there is no value in being, only in doing. For these people, the training often goes to their very core, making your image of ’sad’ describe something that is very deep.

    The answer, in part, is offering the unconditional love, um, well, unconditionally. It’s offering grace graciously. And it is understanding that the annoying part of people may well annoy themselves as well. They may want freedom from themselves and not know how to find it.

    And so, if we have freedom, we can offer it in a freeing way to others.

13. August 11th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
    Brad K. said

    Different cultures, different family backgrounds, deal with some things is subtle and surprisingly different ways. As in any communication, the one doing the talking or making the gesture is the only one that can affect how the gift or communication is received - the person receiving or hearing has their social and personal filters in place, and cannot control how they will be affected. So a giver must know the receiver.

    Where one person sees a gracious gesture, another might have grown up with a responsibility to respond precisely to every transaction, whether personal or professional. To such a person, a gift represents an obligation to reply with a gift of equal value.

    Only in relationships where immense bonds already tied the two together, can giving a gift be considered ’simple’.

    If you observe a person that avoids feeling obligated for some or all things, such that they actively refuse gifts, then you are no longer giving a gift, but imposing an unwanted obligation. Two responses come to mind. Reassure the person, ‘This is my treat!’, or agree to let them pay their obligation promptly, in money, which is their stated request.

    This is not a cause for sadness or pity, but an opportunity (I love that scene in ‘Evan the Almighty’, when Morgan Freeman hits the wife with his ‘opportunities’ lesson) to consider a different perspective on giving, on conspicuous consumption, and obligations.

14. August 11th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
    Rolf F. Katzenberger said

    “My son and I noticed how one person often wants to pay for the simplest favor. [...] How do you help sad people let go — to put their money away?”

    My answer is always along the lines of:
    “You’re welcome! At the moment, I couldn’t make good use of the money but you could do me a big favor: if you notice somebody who seems in need of a little help or a little money, please give it to them and wish them well. I’ll be happy and smiling all day long if you promise me to do this.”

15. August 11th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
    Joanna Young said

    Hi Liz

    Isn’t it great having a thoughtful loving son? One of my greatest pleasures in life

    Your thoughts and words are so lovely I just wanted to stop by and say hello and thank you.

    Oddly I was just looking for a Rumi quote to leave on a comment over at Joyful Jubilant Learning, and this one leaped up first. It was asking to be quoted here.

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

    Thanks once again for all your encouragement to so many people to have the courage to open their hearts.

    Joanna

16. August 11th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
    Brad K. said

    Liz, I think we are into apples and oranges here. What you are lumping into ‘love’ with only intent and expression, without boundaries, others see as social interactions with tightly bound rules and expectations.

    Social exchanges are very transaction oriented. For example, the lawsuits over ownership of the engagement ring if the wedding is canceled, the confusion on a date today, whether an expensive meal leads to an expectation of intimacy.

    For the person wishing to avoid the appearance of being a burden, honor their fears and accept their actions on their face value. And maybe find a way to gift them, that they would accept as a gift - a brief visit, a batch of cookies, a warm smile or three. Or maybe they are trying to butter you up so you will paint their house..?

    As they say on SNL, “You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t ..” Oh, I can’t even finish it. Enjoy!

17. August 11th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Pamir!
    I agree that a check in once in awhile is a good thing to notice, but keeping count is not what love is about. Trust evens istself in the end, doesn’t it?

    Love is part fairh, trust, and hope that comes without expectation or condition.

    That’ doesn’t make us a victim — not if we choose wisely from the start.

18. August 11th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Jon,
    I so like this thought And it is understanding that the annoying part of people may well annoy themselves as well. They may want freedom from themselves and not know how to find it.
    If we can offer them unconditional love unconditionally as you suggest — and I second — Wow! the possibilities that we might get to enjoy a new conversation and new experiences together. I’m hanging around!!

19. August 11th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Brad,
    I disagree in that sometimes people choose to trust a giver and sometimes they don’t. That isn’t necessarily the giver’s fault or doing. It can be totally the receiver’s “flilter.” If I give freely and a person chooses to parse the value . . . I think of it as looking at the cost of vase or a book that I’ve wrapped up and handed over as a gift. The generosity of the thought is gone.

    Accepting the gift is an act of trust — trusting me that I gave without condition.

20. August 11th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Rolf!
    Welcome! That’s a thoughtful response. I wonder how I might do that myself. . . . I would have to be careful not to imply I was devaluing the gesture. I could make the giver in question feel he (or she) was being blown off. It’s a tender and hurt soul that I’m thinking about.

21. August 11th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Joanna!
    What a joy it is every time you stop by. Thank you for leaving those words of hope.

22. August 11th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Brad!
    You say apples and oranges. I agree. You are speaking of generalities and I’m speaking of one situation that I know. It is a situation in which the person tries to buy love and affection with money.

23. August 11th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
    Phil Gerbyshak said

    I used to wave off things I did as well. I didn’t realize that I not only devalue my favor, but also the people who were valuing. Once I learned to put myself in the place of the other person, I realized I needed to see the value through their eyes.

    Yep, I learned this the hard way Liz, but thankfully have grown past it. It’s a tough lesson to learn, that you must first value your gift first, so when you give it, you know that it is worthy of thanks.

    A simple favor requires a simple thanks, and a smile.

    Thank you Liz, for all the simple favors you offer us here! They add up to 1 GREAT community!

24. August 11th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Phil!
    Thank you for the visit and the wisdom you always bring. A simple smile and thanks is a big thing when someone takes the time to say “thank you.”

25. August 12th, 2007 at 2:15 am
    Teresa Valdez Klein said

    A sad person indeed; feeling ‘not worthy’ of friendship, unconditional lovingly help.

    I think that people like this tend to be the product of parents who “use quantitave measures of affection.”

    After all, if you feel like your contributions are always going to be measured and judged by others in this quantitative way, you might be more likely to feel unworthy of your friends’ support.

26. August 12th, 2007 at 4:48 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Teresa!
    Yep. certainly some of them are children of parent who doled out love in payment for deeds done correctly. I know of at least one who comes from a family of that nature. My friend Peg says, “Love it out of them or tease it out of them,” but some folks don’t see a reason to want a different way to be — can’t blame them if that’s the world view that they know. How do you let someone know that your love is unconditional if they only see conditions?

27. August 12th, 2007 at 7:36 am
    Rich G. said

    ME Strauss:How do you let someone know that your love is unconditional if they only see conditions?

    Tell them. Keep doing what you’re doing. Be patient. Tell them. They’ve had a lifetime to learn it the other way… it won’t be a change that happens over night. Heck, they may never be completely comfortable with it, but with help, love, and patience they’ll recover. Some times it’s a self-worth issue, and that goes to a lot more than receiving gifts or compliments badly.

28. August 12th, 2007 at 7:47 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Rich G.!
    Welcome!
    Patience surely is the key. Sometimes even then the key won’t work. I find that compassion is also helpful. Making my thoughts about them is useful . . . though, sometimes the problem is that their world is already too about them to start with — a lack of self-worth can make someone defensively self-centered. That’s when things get complicated, don’t they?

    Love them out of it. Whew! That can be a tall order.

29. August 12th, 2007 at 11:58 am
    Teresa Valdez Klein said

    How do you let someone know that your love is unconditional if they only see conditions?

    I posted about this over on my own blog because I think my readers would find it interesting:

    http://teresacentric.com/2007/08/how-do-you-let-someone-know-that-your-love-is-unconditional-if-they-only-see-conditions/

    But I’ll reiterate here for the sake of conversation flow. I’m trying unlearn this myself. Divorced family. Shared custody. Color-coded egg timers.

    These things are kind of hard to outgrow. I’m trying though.

30. August 12th, 2007 at 11:59 am
    Teresa Valdez Klein said

    Whoops! Didn’t know that my link would break the site.

    Sorry, Liz. :blush:

31. August 12th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Teresa!
    No worries. You did fine, the blog was just misbehaving!

    We don’t know we affect each other with our defensive postures until we find defenses responding in the form of color-coded egg timers.

    I’m comin over to read your blog.