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June 10, 2008

Listen to the Folks Who Aren’t Listening

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 5:59 am

Communication Breakdown

Change the World!

When something happens one, I figure it could be an accident.

When it happens twice I wonder whether something could be in the air.

In the last week, it’s happened three times. That makes me wonder whether I’ve got a problem.

The scenario was almost the same every time.

I told a friend about something I was working on. As it happened, the project was different in each case, but that didn’t seem to matter. Before I finished the second or third sentence, the person I was talking to began to tell me what the project should be.

Each person was turning my project into theirs.

I recognize this behavior. It’s been my own more times than I care to admit. They got the response I remember. I quit talking and let them decide what their project would be.

I knew that the people I was with were trying to help, but they didn’t listen to get enough information to know where their help would have made a difference. They simply started making new ideas.

Relationships and understanding come from listening to what folks want to talk about — dreams, desires, unexpressed needs and wishes — what they find marvelous, annoying, heartwarming, concerning, breathtaking. At least, that’s my experience.

Three times, though, makes me wonder. Maybe I should listen closely to the folks who aren’t listening.

Maybe I’ll find out what is making this happen.

–ME “Liz” Strauss
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20 Comments to “Listen to the Folks Who Aren’t Listening”

  1. June 10th, 2008 at 6:29 am
    @Stephen said

    I suffer from that syndrome too. I blame it on getting excited about what people are doing. I have pitched some rough ideas this past week to some folks whose opinions I respect in order to get another opinion.
    You might say that I was soliciting this behavior!

  2. June 10th, 2008 at 6:39 am
    Rick Wolff said

    This is how we discover the pros and cons of different communication media. You can’t interrupt a blog post (though your intended recipients’ attention span can conk out halfway through).

  3. June 10th, 2008 at 6:57 am
    Karin H. said

    Stephen I was just wondering the same thoughts: eagerness to share knowledge and help out - I’m guilty of that too. Not to take over the project, but to ‘make it better’ - at least that’s what I think/feel the result would be, don’t see this as an arrogant thought though.

    Liz is right, we - the eager-beavers - should listen first to the whole story, then offer our own thoughts, ideas and help. Only when that’s accepted we can jump in with our eagerness.

    Thanks for the lesson Liz

    Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

  4. June 10th, 2008 at 8:14 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Stephen!
    Nothing wrong with asking for help with a rough idea. Hopefully they heard all of your rough idea before you started getting help. In one case, I said I was thinking about something for kids only, and before I knew it I was hearing about a parents’ kind of thing.

  5. June 10th, 2008 at 8:19 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Karen!
    Believe me! I jump in like everyone else does!! Please don’t think I don’t. What’s been weird this week is that folks have moved the idea off to another track completely — three ideas, three completely different directions. Wonder if the moon or the planets are off.

  6. June 10th, 2008 at 8:23 am
    Karin H. said

    Oh Liz, they might be! No wonder weird things are happening here too then.
    Like receiving an order from a client in another country - the same country where our product is being made and sold! - that’s a nice weird thing though. Plans go haywire all the time, software that’s been working for months now has increasing error reports, time seems to be fluent - gone before I know it.

    And more. At least the sun is shining and the Dutch football team had a flying start at EURO2008.

    Karin H.

  7. June 10th, 2008 at 8:46 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Karin!
    Could be that’s the answer! I’m just in a whirlwind of planetary dysfunction. :)

  8. June 10th, 2008 at 8:50 am
    Trisha said

    1. Consider yourself lucky. Not many people have friends that would care so much about someone else’s ideas. =)

    2. Think about how you open the conversation. You might want to start with specifics, i.e. “I’m thinking about a project for kids, but I’m stuck on how to [insert specific problem here]. Do you think you could help me out with [repeat specific problem] for kids?”

    The repetition is key. Most people don’t start listening until you have piqued their interest, so they may miss an important point in the beginning of a statement.

    If you’re already doing that… well, hit me back with how you’re opening the conversation and I’ll see if I can hack into it ;)

  9. June 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
    Greg said

    Liz,

    It happens with me.

    I get excited, I get engaged. I get told to be quiet and listen.

    Or, I sit quietly. I keep my mouth shut. I get told to be more engaged.

  10. June 10th, 2008 at 9:34 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Trisha!
    Those are great tips. I’m not even sure how I bring these things up. I’ll have to start better listening to myself. [blush]

  11. June 10th, 2008 at 9:40 am
    Trisha said

    LOL! You mean, take your own advice ;) *hugs* You’ll get the hang of it eventually, I’m sure ^.^

    By the way - thanks a million for calling me an SOB =D I didn’t notice until just a couple days ago. Yeah, I’m a ditz =P

  12. June 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am
    Rowan Manahan said

    “Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action” (Auric Goldfinger in Ian Fleming’s ‘Goldfinger’)

    Clearly, you are suffering from an embarrassment of riches when it comes to ideas Liz, but I think Trisha may be onto something when she talks about how you frame the opening of the conversation. You can’t exactly open by saying, “I’ve just patented and trademarked XYZ and godaddy are holding the domain name as we speak. Let me tell you about MY idea!”

    But there has to be a middle ground …

    Sheesh!

  13. June 10th, 2008 at 11:36 am
    SpaceAgeSage said

    I am guilty of “let me fix this up for you,” too, but I will change if someone tells me something like, “I know you are great for ideas, but before you let rip, will you help me flesh out my initial plan and ideas? You know, ask the questions that help me explore these ideas of mine better? I want to give my thoughts 100 percent first before changing anything. For example, my needs analysis shows …”

  14. June 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
    matthew murphy said

    wow, Liz, I’m going through a similar experience right now! we are in the beginnings of a major software development project. its a joint project with some high level headquarters staff. their primary analyst has done exactly as you’ve described. I wonder what would happen if I tried listening to him instead of trying to get him to listen to us?

  15. June 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
    Jannie Sue said

    I’ll try consciously listening to people for the rest of today instead of talking (of course with a bit of a sore throat, that won’t be such a challenge for me today.) But when I’m feeling better again, I’ll try it as a conscious exercise and see what I deduce from my listening experimant.

  16. June 10th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Greg!
    I get engaged and my mind stops listening too. But I wonder whether I fly so far afield of the core subject. Now I’m going to have watch to see what I do. :)

  17. June 10th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Rowan,
    Oddly enough one involved an idea that I have a URL for, but that one still went way wacky when it got discussed . . . became something entirely different right before my eyes. :)

  18. June 10th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Sage,
    I’ve been thinking that the Internet brings out this Ideation thing in all of us. We’re so busy chasing new ideas (never really doing many of them) that it’s our new favorite passtime talking about and molding them.

  19. June 10th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Matthew,
    Maybe if you hear him until he’s all talked out, he’ll have to breathe long enough to listen back? :)

  20. June 10th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hey, Janice,
    It seems I may have struck something that I’m not the only one who’s having a problem with. We’re not listening to each other anymore . . . hmmm not a good thing.

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