Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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July 19, 2007

One Wicked Sentence and One Whole Person

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 7:41 am

You Are . . .

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Yesterday I met with a new friend. At one point in the conversation, we were talking about that one “wicked sentence.” It’s the sentence that people say about us — an observation that is so off the mark — but it’s one that a whole group believes is true.

For years mine was, “You think you’re always right.”
My answer, “No, I know what’s right for me.”

Hers was, “You’re a phony.”
Her answer, “No, I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

I mentioned a friend who often heard, “You are manipulative.”
I said, “She isn’t at all. She cares about people. She never makes choices for them. She only offers to pass on information they might need. She won’t even gossip.”

My new friend told me, “My daughter came home from school at 5 years old asking whether she’s fat.”
She said, “She’s not, and I told her. I said, ‘You’re beautiful,’ but I knew my daughter would have to get to believing that from inside herself.”

Everyone seems to have at least one “wicked sentence” that people try to hang on them. Mine finally fell off my radar a few years ago. It faded when I learned to show up with more than just my thinking. When I put my heart in it my thoughts, people heard who I am.

That one “wicked sentence” doesn’t stand a chance against a whole person.

What wixked sentence is/was yours? How do/did you answer it?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
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17 Comments to “One Wicked Sentence and One Whole Person”

  1. July 19th, 2007 at 8:12 am
    Robert Hruzek said

    Hmmm… I see your point. It’s like the time a friend called me “cheap”. In fact, I’m frugal. But I could see where he was coming from, and it actually helped me become more openly giving (not in money, but in time and helpfulness).

    Sometimes, the “wicked sentence” can be a call to action. :-)

  2. July 19th, 2007 at 8:31 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Robert!
    Yes! A call to action! What a perceptive realization. It is, isn’t it? We hear that “wicked sentence” and think is that how folks see me? Is that who I am? Is that my conscience coming back at me?

    Thank you for that observation.

  3. July 19th, 2007 at 9:01 am
    Alina Popescu said

    We have something in common here. I’ve heard all about it. And yes, I sometimes tend to over debate and insist on proving my point. 80% of the time I am right, but even so, I try to be the bigger person and stop bringing arguments. The rest of the time, I’m half right, so it’s debatable :). But if I have an opinion and someone else with relevant expertise explains I am wrong, I don’t stick to mine at all costs. I keep an open mind.

    What I find most amusing though, is that the people that throw that sentence at me are acting exactly like that, as if they are always right :)

  4. July 19th, 2007 at 9:07 am
    Connie Reece said

    Growing up, my “wicked sentence” was: “You’re too pretty to be fat.” Uttered by well-meaning but misguided relatives during the Age of Twiggy when I was at most 10-15 pounds overweight. What I HEARD them say was: “You’re too fat to be pretty.” So I grew up thinking I was the Ugly Duckling.

    Guess what? They were wrong, and so was I. Ten years ago I bought myself a pair of gold swan earrings to celebrate my change in attitude. Now anybody who doubts I’m a swan is liable to get strangled with my pink boa. :-)

    Love your description of the “wicked sentence,” Liz. I’ll be thinking of this in other contexts as well.

  5. July 19th, 2007 at 10:09 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Alina!
    Yes, I’ve found the same thing. Many folks are the problem that they accuse other folks of being. I think we all dislike in others what we dislike most in ourselves. Sometimes I think we see in others what isn’t there, because we feel it so strongly in ourselves.

    Ah Alina, many folks mistake passion for an idea as thinking that you have no room for other folks to champion their own thoughts. :)

  6. July 19th, 2007 at 10:32 am
    Lisa said

    So it’s all fine and good to look outside at the names people call us. They have their filter or perception and we have ours. Usually just a conversation, a layer of the onion peeled back diffuses those perceptions.

    But in fact the worst “wicked sentence” is the one we say about ourselves. You know, your life sentence. The one you’ve decreed with an iron gavel.

    “I’ll never ‘mount ta nothin.”

  7. July 19th, 2007 at 10:39 am
    Lisa said

    And another thing :-)
    (”I-Never-Get-it-Right-the-First-Time”) If I am going to sentence myself to something, I want it to be the sentence I write.

    That way the prison bars get wider and wider, big gaps over time, that I get to step through freely.

    And then I notice that the cell door was accidentally left open the whole time…

  8. July 19th, 2007 at 10:41 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Lisa!
    I agree that the “wicked sentence” we say to outselves is all important, and we nned to find it and to make sure that it’s one that we want guiding out path. :)

    I don’t agree with how lightly you toss away the sentences other folks throw our way, though. Those “wiched sentences” travel in our community and even more, inside us they echo.

  9. July 19th, 2007 at 10:52 am
    Lisa said

    Liz, I could write 500 words right here on that subject. What gets us past the wicked sentence is conversation, relatedness. And almost always, we have some responsibility for the creation of the wicked sentence. Not blame, not guilt, just responsibility.

    You’re saved by the bell…I have to go drop my son off at camp!!

  10. July 19th, 2007 at 10:55 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Connie!
    I’ve run into those miguided folks myself and quite a few of my friends have too. Gosh if we weren’t so willing to “fix” each other. :) Celebrating what’s great and wonderful is a far better use of our time. . . . How many ugly babies are there?

  11. July 19th, 2007 at 11:03 am
    ME Strauss said

    Ah Lisa,
    I’m happy to agree that we contribute to other folks’ sentence, but I know that contribution is often unconscious. I’ve seen too many kids who had no clue what they did to cause it. :)

    A little boy who gets labeled “trash,” because he doesn’t have as much money, or a little girl who gets labeled stupid because she has trouble with phonics. I saw it happen. Those two kids were affected by it. Other people believed it and soon they did too.

    What hook was I on?

  12. July 19th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
    Vernon Lun said

    They say perception is reality… I guess you can control how you throw a stone but you can’t control how it lands…

    Overcoming perception is only achievable when you understand intent which can only be achieved by conversation.

    I remember a comment at Sobcon07 by someone who specialized in conflict resolution and she said that her job was to get people talking… and listening, once you can do that, the rest is so much simpler.

  13. July 19th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
    April Groves said

    I don’t even want to leave this comment - but I think you are right about getting that one sentence out there…address it and put it where it belongs.

    I have been told that I am wishy washy. Not in a way that my opinions or belief structures change, but the way I become involved in so many things.

    I say, I am not wishy washy. There are just so many things out there that I want to do, learn, and experience. Big bite out of the apple of life so to speak.

    But, I have to acknowledge the statement, what it means to others and to myself.Those things can make you doubt yourself and your abilities - makes the apple rotten. I hate rotten apples.

  14. July 19th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Vernon!
    Conflict resolution is is one part of this for certain. Conversation sure helps to straighten out a misunderstood image, if the conversation can happen. Some folks hold tightly to their perceptions. Those are the sad ones. :)

  15. July 19th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi April!
    Is strange that one person’s confidence is another person’s arrogance. I think that Malcolm Gladwell had a real point when he spoke of positive and negative override. Likeability, ala Tim Sanders, is an important factor. Sometimes people see what they want to see.

    Sometimes just to say something like “I am a teacher,” is to inherit all of the qualities of any teacher that went before us.

    My only experience is that when I got my heart connected to my head my message was more often interpreted correctly . . . as I intended it anyway. :)

    You are anything, but a rotten apple. :)

  16. July 20th, 2007 at 10:08 am
    Karin H. said

    Hi Liz

    My ‘wicked sentence’ was/is “I’m stubborn” or “You’re stubborn”.

    Since working with someone special and encountering more great business people they showed me/told me - told me off really when I uttered the above sentence - that it isn’t/wasn’t stubbornness, it’s perseverance.
    And I had a hard time believing that they saw/see that as on of my good/better qualities.

    So, I persevere full heartedly nowadays ;-)

    Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

  17. July 20th, 2007 at 10:53 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Karin!
    Teaching folks that what they see as negative could be positive is a talent that we all can work to acquire. I used to fight for my product and folks would think it was my ego until I softly pointed out it was my job to champion the product I built. :)

    You persevere. That’s a virtue! :)

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