Asking for Help
I’m looking at myself and looking my business.
I’m looking at what I have done well in the past.
I’ve been reading recently fabulous articles for big and small business folks. The great ones say to . . . be prepared, be ready, and get in the habit of asking for help at every step. For years, they’ve even given advice on how to ask. So have I. So have my friends and colleagues.
the big things they say are “Don’t be afraid to ask.” and “Think about what you hear.”
Just the other night the wisest and best-suited business advisor I know said to me, “I want to help you. How can I help?”
I sit here with the questions, and they seem too much and too many to ask.
Here I am trusting the world with my thoughts . . . and I can’t ask a simple question, not even the first one. Well I guess the first is the hardest.
Where does this issue of trust come from?
Is it a fear of imposing or a fear of beholding?
I know which it is in my case. Note my comment below.
Do you know which it is when you want to ask for help, but don’t?
Liz, I’m not sure what you mean by “fear of beholding”. But I know that for me, it’s the fear of imposing – asking for “free” help from someone who does what you need help on for a living.
Oh, sure; it helps to have something to offer in return. But what if you have no idea what that might be? And does that turn “freely-offered help” into “paid service”?
And there’s the other side of the coin, too.
Many of us absolutely LOVE to help others, and we have no problem offering advice and such help whenever we can, no strings attached. But how do we let others know that?
Hi Robert!
Beholding or owing.
Yeah, for me too, it’s the fear of imposing or being in the way. I so value other people and their time. I know you do too.
Sometimes it seems easier to go without than to risk losing what we already have.
You’re right about how it seems! But look at what happens!
Let’s say I have a question that I know can help with. But I also know you do that thing for a living, so I’m afraid of being that guy who’s always “looking for freebie advice” ( imagine lawyers have this problem a lot).
So rather than impose, I go my way, either never finding my answer, or struggling with it – when all the time, you were ready – and eager – to help!
When it happens this way, the world somehow ends up being… oh, a little darker, don’t you think?
But if I were to go ahead and ask, you could help, or you could not. But if you chose to help, then both of us grow. Even if you couldn’t – or for whatever reason, wouldn’t – there’s still interaction, growth… light.
I think it’s up to us to overcome that fear of beholding, don’t you think? We could be selling ourselves, and the one we ask help of, short.
(And sure, there will always be users. But that’s what experience is for, don’t you think?
Sheesh! Sorry ’bout the ‘waxing eloquent’ thing! Musta twanged a chord there or sumthin’!
Argh. Sometimes I get really, really irritated with HTML code! :-
Fear of imposing. I don’t mind greatly being in someone’s debt; I have my own skillset from which I can repay them, so to speak, and I usually make sure that I do give in return for their own generosity.
But imposing… I regard myself as a potential nuisance at all times (for better or worse). I strive to make sure I don’t burden, annoy, or distract people. So, for me, the question comes down to this: will the disturbance I cause by asking for help be worth saving me the time and effort of struggling with the problem myself? If the proportion is right, I usually go ahead – sometimes, even if I know it’ll be a big task, I’ll ask for help anyways if I just can’t manage it myself. I’m a big fan of making something work no matter the odds, so I don’t avoid drawing on the knowledge and experience of those I know if I just don’t have the juice.
I’m pretty good at asking for help when I need it. I just make sure to give back as soon and as much as I can in gratitude – and if I can’t at that time, I let them know that I will in the future.
Hi Robert,
It’s that very feeling and those very kind of questions that led me to write about this today.
Don’t you think it comes down to trust?
Trusting ourselves to know who we are and that we’re not “greedy,” . . . trusting the folks we call friends to know that.
Hi Kusani,
Taking the time to weigh the cost to the other person, as you do, is thoughtful. I’m sure that most folks recognize that you’re doing that.
I’ve also found that asking, “Could you point me in the direction of where I might find the answer?” helps me give the person with the knowledge room to offer as much or as little advice as they might.
If I’m honest, the fear of imposing is actually, for me, an indicator of pride. I SAY I don’t want to inconvenience someone, but the truth is that I would like to believe that I am the only one who doesn’t mind interruptions and helping and self-sacrifice. I love to give help, because it shows what a wonderful caring person I am. And if I ask for help, it means that the other person gets to prove that they are also wonderful and caring. And that means giving up my status as the most humble person I know.
And, as always, my (humble) pride then keeps me from getting the help that would expand the influence of both of us. And (cynically) I could be regarded as even more humble because I was willing to ask for help.
The key? Get outside my own head.
Thanks for helping with that.
Don’t you think it comes down to trust?
Liz, as always, a great concluding statement; I think you hit it on the head (ouch!) What you said to Kusani is a great ‘template’ for asking for help, too. It gives everyone room.
(And Jon – ouch again!)
Hi Jon!
I’m not the same as you when it comes to asking . . . mine’s about fear not pride, I’m pretty sure of that. Belonging.
Ah but the giving sure is the same — aren’t I the generous one? It makes me feel inclusive.
How many times do I give away what I most need?
PS. Jon,
I so agree that the answer is to quit thinking about me and get out of my head.
Robert,
What good man you are to say that. Yeah (ouch) it’s a growing pain to know that we’re self-involved even when we’re so sure we’re not.
Learning to ask for help has been a long time coming for me, and it still has a way to go.
Beholden – Some people I wouldn’t ask for help even if you paid me. They’ll always remember it and make sure you do to. In other cases I feel beholden, but happily so and look forward to when I can reciprocate. If that time never comes, there’s always pay it forward.
Imposing – This comes into play with someone I know is busy or does it for a living. I don’t want to be the guy asking the doctor (or lawyer) for advice at a party. I don’t want to be a user. As you say, Liz, a lot of it comes down to trust here. Some one I know and have a relationship with I’m more likely to ask for help than a stranger. But still, there’s that little voice that says ‘they do have a life.’ It can be hard to get past.
Hi Rick,
Beholden, as I’ve said to a few, my family also used to say “squozen.” Guess that “beholding” word just came with.
I feel less worried about folks to whom I might owe something . . . “beholden” is not a place I naturally go to. Though I know a few folks who are as you describe. I say about them, “They give you the shirt off their backs, but don’t you dare take it . . . because they will never forget.” I can’t stay beholden to them as they might wish. So I don’t enter into their contracts.
But imposing, gosh, I hate to be in the way. I’d rather be invisible.
I wonder sometimes if the fear of asking for help comes from the fear of hearing “no, I can’t help you” or “yes, I’d be glad to” or both… I have been using a cane when I walk this year, and there are times I just need to ask someone to open a door, help me up a step, or navigate a slippery locker room floor. At first I didn’t want to impose. As time’s gone on, I do as Jon says and get out of my head and just flat out ask, expecting a “yes” , but receiving with gratitude. I have tried to let that inform my willingness to ask for help in other areas – my business, my writing, etc. At the same time, I am exploring my own willingness to say “no, I can’t help you” when someone asks for something I truly do not want to give…it’s been a stretch as a former me used to say “yes, I’ll help” almost automatically. I guess that’s where I’ve landed for now — to never let it be automatic or a rule that I will or won’t ask, or will or won’t say yes, but to trust my own h eart to tell me which to do when.
Hi Liz – to me it is the fear of being a burden. The fear of them thinking I can’t do it myself which means I might not be good enough. I don’t want to impose either. Also the fear of asking too much.
That said, please feel free to ask me for help and if I can I will! I won’t say I will and then not follow through. I will say if I can’t and I hope that doesn’t offend you or anyone else…although sometimes I think it might.
I guess you can also say “don’t be afraid to offer help.”
wow, i like this post. i like what rick said about being happily beholden because you want to be able to help that person on the future.
it is easy to feel imposing; i know i do (and did when i made the decision to write you for help). you wouldn’t be asking that person for help if they weren’t successful with your issue and successful folks are busy.
personally, it’s an ego issue as well. what will people (friends or strangers) think if you don’t have the answer to everything? yes, it sounds ridiculous, but i’s true for me.
here’s probably the biggest thing i’ve learned in the durtbagz adventure so far: get over it. it sounds harsh, but think about it: people that are uber smart, like yourself, wouldn’t ask someone for help unless they really needed it. and if you really need it, chances are good it will hurt you in someway if you don’t ask for it.
going back to what rick said, being beholden to someone doesn’t have to be a negative thing. i’m not exactly sure how i’ll be helping you in the future, but i know i can somehow. even if it’s not obvious now.
you’re hurting yourself if you don’t ask for it when you need it. sometimes it’s hard to think of it as not being ‘selfish’ though.
Hi Erica!
How wise to notice that we’re often afraid of both answers — no and yes. I’m so like you.
I jump to help, without even thinking whether I’m needed or if it’s good for me. I,too, am learning when and where to say “no.”
Hi Aruni!
I have two voices talking every time I time a comment in this conversation. I hear myself saying, “I don’t want to impose.” and yet, “I’m as valuable as the person I’m asking, aren’t I?”
We need to trust ourselves and others.
Hi Erin!
I like so much that you’re continuing that thought about how if we don’t ask we’re hurting each other.
It was a special thing to get to help you. I learned too.
Hi Liz
An ;issue’ I had to come to grips with – as most of us have or will? – because first of all you want to ‘make-it-on-your-own’. Only when you become wiser you know there are times, matters when you’re out of your debt and need help.
Trust is very important in this, trusting the person you know has the knowledge, skill you need will genuinely give you a hand without holding you to an obligation.
And then a wise word from my mentor and dear friend earlier this year made me realise the other side of the coin: “we should learn how to better ask the question: How can I help”.
Again, trust is the main feeling, closely followed by respect and reciprocation – pride even that somehow we are able to give back help without obligations – that unconditional thingy again 😉
Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)
Hi Karin!
Ah, respect and reciprocation, . . . unconditionally. Those three seem a great recipe for trust that goes two ways.
Plus two way accepting = no obligations
Karin H.
Unconditional is such a love-ly word.
It is. It lets you breath deep and happily sigh at the same time 😉
Karin H.