Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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February 14, 2007

Steve Pavlina and Liz on Relationships

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 10:20 am

I agree

At the end of January, Steve Pavlina published a piece on Human Relationships. His article pointed out something I’ve always believed — that we see in others the traits that we love and dislike most in ourselves. In fact, our relationships with other people are really the same relationships we have within ourselves.

Steve explains it beautifully.

Where do all your relationships exist? They exist in your thoughts. Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be. Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right. Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts. So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you. You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Now,you might have gotten there on your own, just as I did. It’s a fascinating conundrum that we can never objectively see what objective form our relationships really have. Steve’s post goes in another direction. He gives new meaning to something I’ve thought for the longest time.

The quickest way to change someone’s behavior is change our own.

Steve tells a story about how he wanted to convince his wife to be tidier. Thinking of his internal relationships, he recognized it was really his own issue, not hers. So he decided to become even more tidy than he already was. He points out that with no conversation, as he became tidier, his wife began tidying her office and other spaces around their house. Steve says that as he solves problems he thinks he has with others by working on them within himself, others always have this response.

Steve offers this simple exercise for us to try it out.

Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people. Now re-read that list as if it applies to you. If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself. For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par? Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area.

What a great way to work on self-development!

The Most Likely Reasons This Works

When we have a problem or a conflict, we often find ourselves on opposite sides of a line. The problem defines us as we and them, you and I, hero and villain or so many non-intersecting circles. If we make a sincere change with intent to grow, we have just moved outside of our circle. The person on the other side of that line has a new picture, a new response when he or she communicates. Of course he or she will notice, that alone is a change.

If the person watching sees us do something positive, human nature provides so many reasons that a friend, an enemy, or someone who hardly knows us would want to do the same. Can you think of them?

Now consider one more thing that Steve says; The more we interact with others, the more we know about ourselves.

–ME “Liz” Strauss

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Filed under Community, Successful Blog | 15 Comments »




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15 Comments to “Steve Pavlina and Liz on Relationships”

  1. February 14th, 2007 at 11:12 am
    Robert Hruzek said

    Liz, this is so true; but it’s fundamental for organizations as well as people. Look at how most, if not all, organizations reflect the characteristics of the one at the top. Enron is still the poster child on the negative side, but there are plenty of others with outstanding leaders whose workers have all picked up on it. And parents know that modeling desired behavior is the best way to teach their children practically anything abstract, like values, morality or kindness.

    It’s an illustration of the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.”

  2. February 14th, 2007 at 11:16 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Robert!
    Oh wow! I hadn’t even gotten that far about this particular concept . . . but I can’t you how many times I’ve said the person at the top sets the culture for the entire organization.

    Yeah, the “Actions speak” sentence.

    There are so many layers to this one. Lots of wonderful thinking to think about. :)

    So many opportunities to reconsider how we might learn about ourselves.

  3. February 14th, 2007 at 11:51 am
    John said

    I think he went a little too far on it, in expanding the concept to people with whom you have no relationship. But in actual relationships I think you’re both spot-on.

    The realization that the more irritating or frustrating problems in relationships are really problems within yourself is a real breakthrough for a lot of people (it was for me); but I think it’s also, unfortunately, one of those things that a person has to realize themselves before any explanation can resonate with them.

    Would be cool to come up with a way to convey the concept in such a way that we’re not just preaching to the choir.

  4. February 14th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi John!
    It is a hard thing to face that the problem in a relationship is often me not the other guy . . . gosh if every just thought like I do wouldn’t like be easy and oh so boring. In fact, I don’t know that I’d like the people any better. :)

    The question I use for myself is “what does my version of this behavior look like?” I can usually find one . . . that translates and mediates. When I remember to do that I immediately step back and give the other guy a place to stand while I think about what I have to take care of first.

    You’re right about singing to the choir.

    Steve Farber once said to me, “They can hear you if they can”t hear themselves.” I think that’s part of the problem here.

  5. February 14th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
    Shawna R. B. Atteberry said

    The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve learned this is true. And thank you for introducing me to Steve. I’ve been over to his site, and I love it.

  6. February 14th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Shawna!
    I think the older I got, the more willing I was to hear the truth of it. :)

    You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping to leave few of your words here for us. :)

  7. February 15th, 2007 at 5:18 am
    Karin said

    Hi all

    Post made me quiet, to be honest. One of those aha-moments, deep aha-moments. So I went over to read the whole article and became even quieter. It states exactly what I was vaguely thinking only this morning.
    I especially recognise the following quote from Steve:
    “My ”external” relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships.”
    but feel inclined to somehow add the word grow in it (somewhere).
    I grow, so my interactions/releationships grow – and I like where I’m going ;-)

  8. February 15th, 2007 at 5:26 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Karin!
    Good morning!
    I agree the word “grow” does belong in there somewhere with some positivity and depth — because folks who notice such things do grow in a positive way and take their personal relationships, intenal and external, deeper. Inner and outer life gets richer.

    The quiet even seems to have more texture to me the more I get to know myself. Alone and lonely are completely separate words — I was just thinking about that — and the quiet, how much I enjoy it — when I poured my first cup of coffee just a few minutes ago.

    I guess you could say we were on the same wavelength in some ways this morning. :)

  9. February 15th, 2007 at 5:39 am
    Karin said

    Hi Liz

    It seems we are quietly ‘growing’ ;-) today

  10. February 15th, 2007 at 5:40 am
    ME Strauss said

    Well said, my friend, Karin. :)
    I do hope you picked your Valentine yesterday!

  11. February 15th, 2007 at 5:47 am
    Karin said

    LoL Liz

    Re: Valentine. Oh yes, quietly aimed the arrow and let it find its own way.

  12. February 15th, 2007 at 5:50 am
    ME Strauss said

    The one I’m putting up today is one of my favorites. The CEO of a publishing company recited at dinner one night in a five star restaurant in New Orleans — just for the fun of it. We became instant friends because he did that. :)

    I’m going to post it now. By the way, neither he didn’t know anyone named Jenny and swore he never had.

  13. February 20th, 2007 at 11:41 am
    NEAT LIVING BLOG - Neat Ideas for Living said

    Want to get the people you live with to be neater and / or more organized? …

    If you’ve been struggling to try and get the people you live with to be neater, or to change in any way, you must check out this post by Liz Strauss based on Steve Pavlina’s article on Understanding Human Relationships which is exceptional. (Steve’s…

  14. February 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 am
    Pamela said

    It’s true that if you want to change your partner’s traits that you don’t like, you must try changing your’s first. This is extremely useful for couples. The kind of couple who don’t get along very well due to discomfort about the other’s character.

  15. February 22nd, 2007 at 11:08 am
    ME Strauss said

    hi Pamela!
    Welcome!
    That one idea has worked wonders on every relationship I have ever had. “What am I doing to make this happen? How might I change my own behavior?” I also makes me feel more in control of the situation — not so helpless — which is a nice feeling as well, sort of equal footing.

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