43 Comments to “The “ART” of Being Genuine”

1. March 5th, 2009 at 8:08 am
   Annie @ PhD in Parenting said

   Oh, I know what you mean about different roles! People that know me personally are often shocked when they run into me in a business situation and vice versa.

   With regards to being genuine just being yourself, I think unfortunately today there are people that somehow never figured out who they are. They have spent their lives trying to please others or to emulate others and never had an opportunity to develop their own personality. I think it is those type of people that have trouble being genuine.

2. March 5th, 2009 at 8:11 am
   Whoopsie said

   As someone on the autistic spectrum, this is one of the hardest things for me. I’m the same, all the time – often leading to many unintentionally uncomfortable social situations
   And I can’t really understand these ‘facets’ people display in different situations. Are they really being genuine – being themselves – if they behave in a totally different way, based just on who is around them?
   I’d have to say to anyone – stop trying to second guess what other people will think, what is ‘appropriate’. You’re you – start being you, and people around you have to accept that. If they can’t, do you really want to do business/share your life/experiences/whatever with them?

3. March 5th, 2009 at 8:17 am
   Tiffany Monhollon said

   One thing I think is interesting is that your idea of your geniune self and someone else’s idea of your genuine self may be different. Yours will be based on your self-awareness (which may differ from how others percieve you), and theirs may be based on their experiences with messages and interactions your persona extends…Absolutely none of this is formulaic or fool-proof.

   And that’s sort of a risk you take by placing your persona online – especially your full, diverse, multi-layered True and Genuine self. None of us are one dimensional, and I don’t really find people who only broadcast one dimensional of themselves online to be that interesting anyway….

   But the question you bring up is important. What if someone only ever happened upon one side of you? Or if they never fully experienced the layers of your persona? In an opt-in, hit-or-miss communication structure like the social web seems to operate under right now, that seems more likely than not… Especially on places like Twitter.

   Part of me wants to say it’s important to listen to criticism like this, because it helps you better extend experiences about yourself into these spaces. Part of me wants to say, just keep doing what you are doing, and hopefully people who really care to discover your genuine self will dig deep enough. And part of me thinks, this is why you have to have a little bit of thick skin to really live your geniune self online…

4. March 5th, 2009 at 8:18 am
   Joel Kelly said

   Hmm… interesting. So would that person’s suggestion be that by displaying different sides of your personality at different times you’re being disingenuous? Must you display all sides at all times?

   I guess that would be like suggesting that if I’m on my best behaviour at a job interview I’m not being “myself” because I typically swear a lot around my friends. Silliness, really.

   Good post, Kathryn.

5. March 5th, 2009 at 8:23 am
   Ben said

   Genuine – to me at least – is one of the driving factors behind successful social media use. It can’t be about pulling a fast one on people or trying to make people care about something they don’t.

   If you or your organization are honest and clear about how you operate in the social media sphere – blogging and microblogging in particular – the right people will connect with you and raise the value of your online brand.

6. March 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
   John Bosley said

   Appreciate that you did a blog on this topic. Too many people accusing others of being “ungenuine”, but sometimes the fact is the person making the accusation is the one who is trully ungenuine. Sometimes when we complain about someone else we are saying more about ourselves than about the person we are complaining about.

   Know yourself and make sure at the end of the day that you are happy with who you are. No one can decide who you are, that’s you’re own job.

   Thanks for the blog post.

7. March 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
   Richard Reeve said

   Hey Kathryn,
   I’ve been noticing that things are changing a bit in my social media interaction, perhaps due to economic stresses, who knows…but I’ve been noticing a heightened sense of the critical and the overly sensitive. Communication can be difficult in the best of circumstances, not to mention when we are but sharing data bits. Most of the challenges I’ve been facing along these lines are coming when folks have never interacted with me before, jump into the middle of what I’m doing, and then blow a whistle saying I’ve “fouled” in some way. The other type has been when someone wants a very specific response from me, like isn’t my product great – now go tell the world for me. When I do not give the response they are looking for then somehow I’ve broken a trust that was actually never there in the first place. To be genuine we need to be willing to let these digital psycho-dramas run their course, for in the end, the relationships we have cultivated are what really matters.

8. March 5th, 2009 at 8:34 am
   Lucy said

   What more were they expecting of you?

   I think there are two different uses of ‘genuine’ in the very interesting discussion that’s going on at the moment: one meaning “a person being truthful/sincere”; the other being “a person being consistent with how they really are”. Yet the two are not necessarily the same.

   After all, someone who is naturally deceitful will work at portraying ‘genuine’, in order to convince you of what they say. They aren’t being genuine in the sense of ‘truthful and sincere’ and yet they are being true to themselves.

   I don’t think being genuine in the second sense is always easy to assess from the outside.

   And we all have different personae that we reflect at different times. So yes, you can be different aspects of the same self without having a split personality. (I’m reminded here of the discussion in Shrek about ogres, onions and layers).

   But I do think that there is a central core of characteristics that make up our personality – and that different facets of this core shine at different times with different people. Perhaps the key to authenticity (being ‘genuine’) is to be sure that our actions (verbal and behavioural) reflect this central core, even if different parts of it at different times, rather than mirroring the person we’re with or showing a false or fragmented image?

9. March 5th, 2009 at 8:37 am
   Kathryn said

   Annie – true – some people never figure that out I agree. I still find it funny that people think there’s a “way” to be genuine, a formula so-to-speak – thanks for stopping by

   Whoopsie – there’s a LOT of weight to that comment – thank YOU!

   Tiffany – I hear yah – I struggled with the toughen up advice I was given by friends. Necessary, but I still found it a little sad. I really would like to think I’ll meet so many of you in person but who really knows? Thanks for the insight.

   Joel – I think that’s what they were suggesting! I’m a big fan of silly but I think that was just ridiculous.

10. March 5th, 2009 at 8:40 am
    David said

    Genuine. Normal. Status Quo. These are all nebulous concepts that differ from person to person, place to place. We all have the ability to generalize what our interpretations of these concepts are, but perhaps the virtualization of these concepts come across muddled in some fashion. We all have seen/received/sent emails that were interpreted incorrectly. Someone reads in to a funny message and takes offense, some one thinks you’re upset because your CAPS LOCK was on. Living in the virtual world (at least partially) we have to try to consider our presentation of ourselves from the perspective of those receiving our messages. One thing to remember: You can’t please all of the people all of the time. And would you really want to? Would it really matter in the “real” world

11. March 5th, 2009 at 8:41 am
    Kathryn said

    Richard – I was waiting for you. Thanks. I can honestly tell you that I’ve noticed it a LOT. In my professional role especially! People are super critical and extremely sensitive. Part of my strategy this week, re-connecting with old off-line friends, is to provide some perspective after some particular “stings” that have occurred. I think we’re still working on that hazy line between personal/professional in the SM space. But trust me you know when the line is crossed. BTW, I am dreaming……

12. March 5th, 2009 at 8:48 am
    Jessie said

    Interestingly enough, this was an issue I had when I met you, Kathryn. I didn’t want to seem insincere or self-serving by forcing a CD on you after a very brief conversation, but also didn’t want to leave you out when I gave one to Amber after a lengthy conversation about music. Oh, the complexities of human niceties.

    I do completely agree though, that different situations call for different sides of a person, sometimes making concessions for the expectations and assumptions of others. When I got a grown up job, none of my friends could believe it. In fact, two years down the road, they still make fun of “corporate Jessie.” I actually like having a responsible side, a place where I can get passionate about things like proper grammar and the connectivity of the Internet. I especially love it when clients or contacts come into the office and finally see me for the first time after only having an email relationship. Expecting a man in a business suit and getting a handshake from a purple-haired, pierced and tattooed woman instead is quite the shocker for most people.

    Kathryn, I’m interested to know what your contact expected in order to consider you “genuine.” My requirements: honesty, integrity, kindness, willingness to accept responsibility for actions (or inactions), openness, attentiveness…

13. March 5th, 2009 at 8:54 am
    Kathryn said

    Ben – agreed – be “honest and clear”

    John – you’re most welcome! and at the end of the day being genuine will win overall.

    Lucy – thanks – and another secret, I think, is trusting that core set of traits/beliefs/actions and sticking to it. Glad you stopped by .

14. March 5th, 2009 at 9:22 am
    Deb Brown said

    People’s expectations will sometimes not be in alignment with what is really happening. That’s when the stinging comments and silly remarks happen. I do my best to look at the bigger picture and all behavior, not just one instance. I also try not to be the one making the stinging comments!

    I work from home and the line between professional and personal often becomes blurred. That’s why it’s even more important to be genuine and your real self – at all times.

    I have this quote I like from Harriet Woods: You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.

    Often people don’t want us to be genuine – they want us to tell them what they want to hear.

    What I know of you: what you write, what you tweet — consistently show me that you are genuine. That’s enough for me!

15. March 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
    Ian said

    It’s funny how often different people’s perception can vary so much when seeing the same exact thing. I also agree that people have become overly sensitive about the traditions of on-line conversations. I too have a horrible habit of hitting the Caps Lock instead of A when I type. Even in quick informal IM notes, I am forced to delete and re-write things for fear of offending someone.

    Of course you behave differently in different situations. This is not disingenuous it is normal. The only people who would act the same at a ball game as they would in the board room are in the sky-boxes. I have had negative comments and criticism take me back as well. One negative review among 20 raves, is the one that I will remember every time.

    Some people see negative traits in others that they fear are present in themselves. The thing I have come to realize is that in the on-line and off-line worlds, some people are just not going to get you.

16. March 5th, 2009 at 10:04 am
    Kathryn said

    Jessie – it is complex, recognizing that is a really good step in making it work for you. The contact expected more – my response, actions and behavior weren’t “enough” – it was odd. Honestly, it really bothered me.

17. March 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
    Cath Lawson said

    Hi Kathryn – What a mean thing for someone to say to you. But I’m glad you wrote about it.

    As you say – being yourself is different in different places, otherwise, we simply wouldn’t survive.

    I would behave differently with folk working for me, than I would on a night out with friends. I’d still be me, but if I behaved the same way at work as on a night out, not much work would get done.

18. March 5th, 2009 at 10:59 am
    --Deb said

    If anything, I have a hard time going the other way and pretending to be something I’m not.

    The trick is, when trying to add things to my “repetoir,” to convince myself that yes, I really AM a salesperson, writer, marketer … whatever. Because I can’t do it if I don’t believe it!

19. March 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
    Mary-Frances said

    Kathryn,
    Excellent post. I agree completely that we all play different roles. I don’t believe that being genuine means that you are completely transparent. For instance,if you’re having a difficulty in your personal life and don’t share that on your blog or twitter does that mean you aren’t genuine? Of course not! It means you understand that there is a time and place for everything.

    I actually think it’s kind of sad that “genuine” and “authentic” have just become terms for marketing strategy.

20. March 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
    Anthony Myers said

    Great post and comments. Made me think a little more about my strategy in entering the SM world.

    Getting into an argument because you think someone is not “genuine” enough for you is ridiculous!

    Some people need to realize that their opinion isn’t the “be-all end-all” of humanity and realize that judging is a waste of time and can be very hurtful.

21. March 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
    Marie said

    Being different when the situation calls for it is simply another way of being flexible. Isn’t that what we all want from people we come in contact with…flexibility? I think it is great when someone can wear many hats and still be professional as well as personable.

    I don’t know about most people, but I’m still growing, developing my genuine self and looking for ways to express it all!

22. March 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
    Kathryn said

    Cath – I was surprised for sure. Thanks for stopping by, appreciate it!

    Deb – you REALLY are. Thank you.

    Mary-Frances – I don’t believe that either – I think as a whole, were just figuring that out in the online space. As people start developing their personal brands, reaching out more, interacting I hope it becomes apparent what works and what doesn’t. Thank you.

23. March 5th, 2009 at 11:42 am
    Kathryn said

    Marie – Flexibility is key. Makes me wonder if this is has a gender context, I’m seeing a pattern here.

24. March 5th, 2009 at 11:54 am
    Tito Philips, Jnr. said

    Being genuine from my own perspective is being true to yourself at all times. Most times, it’s the deversity of the situation that we find ourselves that often makes people question our authenticity. Because no two situation or circumstance is actually the same, the way we react often differs to how we reacted in a similar situation in time past, but nonetheless, what counts or should count is that you gave your own candid opinion or perception of the present situation or circumstance. What we must know is that “people see the things the way they are” and not actually how the thing is. Expreses it as you see it is what being genuine is all about, just because you didnt say it or see it how someone expected doesnt mean you werent genuine or authentic. Being authentic is being yourself and expressing yourself how you best understand or perceive whatever condition, situation or circumstance you may find yourself.

25. March 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
    Tiffany Monhollon said

    Kathryn – I was actually thinking about the gender context today myself, riffing on another issue, but still, I think there may be something to this.

    Someone’s expectations for social norrms of behavior do seem to be pretty systemic and play into this.

    One example, we expect men to be more agressive, so we don’t read into it when that’s a part of their “genuine” persona, but what about women who act this way.

    Well, I guess don’t get me started on gender issues in personal branding. Soap box!

26. March 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
    Kathryn said

    Tiffany – you go for it sister! feel free

27. March 5th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
    Susan Mazza said

    Perhaps the kinds of situations that challenge our perception of ourselves as being genuine are simply there for us to check in with ourselves. If you can look in the mirror at those times and say “I was truly being myself – genuinely and authentically who I am” then it is validating and can fortify your confidence in yourself. If you can’t, then you have something to learn or to work on and the comment was a gift. In either case though the other person’s reaction is rarely about you, but rather about themselves.

    That of course doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt hence the pull to believe we just need to toughen up (and the desire to do so to protect ourselves). For me being sensitive is who I am so toughening up would actually be disengenuous. So I had to create a context for this idea of “toughening up” that fit for me. Rather than learning to be less sensitive, I’ve instead focused on learning to distinguish between the stuff that’s mine and the stuff that someone else is laying on me. I have also had to learn to deal more effectively with situations when someone else is projecting onto me. So I prefer the term developing teflon vs. toughening up!

    In the end the only person who can say whether you are being genuine or not is you.

    Besides, anyone who would take the time to write a post like this is demonstrating a commitment to being genuine in my opinion. Thank you for being willing to share what sounds like a very unsettling interaction so we can all explore and learn from it!

28. March 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
    Whoopsie said

    Thanks for your comments Kathryn, much appreciated (both here and on Twitter).
    Should you be held to emotional ransom because of how someone else perceives you? You have no control over their emotional filters, their personal frame – and if you do try to second guess their perceptions and act as they think you should, you will get it wrong.
    So while I try to (and stress over) fit in with other people’s social expectations, with no ‘social’ compass to guide me, I’ll often get it wrong. With ASD it comes down to making a wild guess as to what behaviour you’ve seen in other people in that social situation, and then mimic it. Often you’ll be wrong.
    Are you being the ‘genuine’ you if you’re trying to mold your behaviour that much to meet someone else’s (unknown) expectations?
    If you’ve having to make that much effort – to stray that far from who you are – what does that say about the relationship you’re trying to form with that person?
    Sure, behaving the same all the time has closed some doors for me – but if those people are that put off by the real me, isn’t it better to be open and up front about it, rather than trying to force a relationship built on assumptions?
    Personally I get on much better with women than with men, because they don’t seem to have these built in assumptions of who I will be. Also they’re more comfortable to openly talk about their emotions and feelings – which is a life saver for me because it gives me the social guidance I need.
    A plea – be open and honest about who you are and what you want. In the long run, you’ll be more successful, happy – and valued – because of that.

29. March 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
    Jessie said

    I hadn’t quite touched on it earlier, but yes – people’s attitudes toward me and my work will often change when they realize I’m not “Mister” Jessie D. Suddenly I’m no longer the buddy or the authority figure.

    I think the gender roles that are commonly assigned to people can not only confine us in invisible boxes, but can also limit how much of our message or actual sincerity comes across to the other party based on their preconceived notions of said gender.

    But how do we break this cycle? Just keep forging ahead, being genuine and hoping that others will see that we’re more than our gender? I guess refusing to pre-judge others based on gender is good first step too (if not a given)…

30. March 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
    Barbara Hartsook said

    Hi Kathryn,

    I don’t think “genuine” is a behavior, but a state of being. It’s who we are, without pretense. In public it’s us all cleaned up and out the door (so to speak), ready to be in front of others.

    I think behavior manifests itself somewhat from that genuineness, but it’s also affected by circumstance and emotional state and confidence level, etc. (And sometimes those et ceteras keep us from being our genuine selves.)

    Then there’s the perception of your behavior, and, as Susan Mazza said, it’s more about the person perceiving than about you.

    Communication is always two-way. We give it our best shot — in the circumstances — and go from there. We’re counting on the person receiving to receive as genuinely as we deliver, and of course that doesn’t always happen. (We can’t control that.)

    A great discussion.

31. March 5th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
    DaveMurr said

    Isn’t it funny how we are quick to label others as being or failing to be genuine/transparent. These type of “things” that can not be defined as absolutes will always be subject to immediate classification. Rarely are we forced to look at ourselves, what we say, and how we act. Social Media for whatever reason, is making us do just that. I believe some find it easier to point out those who are not doing it correctly, rather than take the time to rehearse. Its in our nature right?

32. March 5th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
    Seth Simonds said

    One thing I don’t think we’ll ever see a shortened supply of is haters.

    You know when you’re little and you club your sister over the head with a tonka truck and your mother says “say you’re sorry” and you do…but you don’t mean it? Your mother always seemed to be able to tell and would say “No, say it again and mean it!”
    And you would. Your body language would change as you relaxed your shoulders and neck as you finally said you were sorry.

    A lot of people have taken to making the same determinations your mother once did…without ever seeing you or, at least, without taking the time to get to know you. It seems like this person did the same.

    So what to do? You find a nice way to say “STFU and get over yourself” which usually comes out as “I’m sorry you feel that way and I regret any misunderstanding”. And then you walk away.

    We’d all do well to look for the positive, abhor the pejorative, and communicate clearly even when we’re worried about the effect. I know I need to!

    Thanks for a great post!

33. March 5th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
    Kathryn said

    Tito – nicely put, thank you, I appreciate it.

    Susan – thinking about teflon coating now, and I am the same – I’m not tough. It takes so much energy for me to act tough it’s usually more of a disservice to all than to just be me. Thank you for joining in.

    Barbara – I believe it’s a state of being as well – it just is who I am, who you are. It just is . Thank you.

    Dave – sadly , I guess it is in our nature to point out failings and fail to see within before lashing out. oh the humanity!

    Seth – thanks for stopping by. You helped at the time and you’re helping again. I than you for that, and everything. STFU haters!!

34. March 5th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
    Ian said

    I mean, to me it’s kinda of like… of course you “change” in different situations. I find I do it automatically, even an internal meeting at work vs. an external one. We joke, talk about video games and swear! I’m not the same when a client’s involved, naturally you adapt to the situation (or what I call “time to act professional” heh.) I’m always the same person and will always maintain personal integrity. My opinion will never change because of the situation, though, just more in terms of how I present myself. Seems odd this person you speak of doesn’t get that.

35. March 5th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
    Kathryn said

    Ian – it seemed odd at first but then I realized there are people who do want to be treated differently because of their (self)perceived status, or because they don’t understand enough about themselves to recognize someone being real, or genuine when faced with it. I came to realize this today from reading and listening here to this great discussion. Thanks for participating!

36. March 5th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
    Luis Serpa said

    Kathryn (or should I say @northernchick?),

    In my experience, the problem with “being genuine” (at least in the context of your post) is that it has nothing to do with how you project yourself and everything to do with other people’s expectation of how you should be. Our perceptions (and choices) are distorted by so many unconscious feelings that it is hard to rationalize how we get to “infer” someone or something as actually genuine from our perspective.

    Also, it is part of being human to adapt to different situations and for that we develop traits that enhance specific aspects of our personality and thus give the impression on being different people in different circumstances (and let’s be honest: people evolve over time, if you don’t evolve and improve, what’s the point?)

    None of that makes you less genuine from the basic sense (and honestly the only important one) of the word: To be true and honest to what you believe. If you are true to yourself, every aspect of you will be genuine, no matter how different they might appear from each other from other people’s perspectives. Besides, like David said above, you can’t (and shouldn’t) try to please everyone. Being genuine is also about reaching your own “niche” and not really caring with who does not belong there and cannot see you the same way…

    Awesome post and great discussion! Thanks for that!

37. March 6th, 2009 at 6:05 am
    Towanda said

    Great post! Here’s how I explain this concept to young professionals struggling with their professional persona, because they don’t want to compromise who they are personally.

    We all have many roles in life, and those roles require different things. However, those “things” should always be true to your core self. So, if you are truthful, sincere, responsible and respectful, those should shine through, no matter the situation.

38. March 6th, 2009 at 6:57 am
    Tom Volkar / Delightful Work said

    A good test to see if you’re being genuine, is to observe your tone and enthusisam when speaking to different people in your life. You ought to be you without putting on a pretense with everyone. If you ever speak to a radio host for example, you’ll often hear a totally different personality on air and off. But we are all getting much better at noticing the phonies.

39. March 6th, 2009 at 10:21 am
    Vox Customerspective Blog - Customer Experience said

    [...] 6, 2009 A recent post from Kathryn Jennex (aka @northernchick) generated a very passionate discussion yesterday about what it is to be [...]

40. March 6th, 2009 at 10:44 am
    slavin said

    I just wanted to say thanks for asking to follow me on Twitter, even though we don’t know each other at all, and even though I state explicitly on my page that I’d prefer not to be contacted by people I don’t know.

    It’s like spam, but I have to look at each request to tell whether it’s genuine or not. In your case, it’s not. It did bring me to this blog to see what you do, which is of course, disingenuous and about as welcome as a prank phone call.

41. March 6th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
    Amy said

    If I was at all interested in scheduling an auto-tweet, it would be “Don’t forget to yourself” about every two weeks. Just as an encouraging reminder to … mostly myself… of the importance of simply being who we are.

    I am alarmed by how easily the busy-ness of life can distract us from the basics. I am grateful for this post, because I too often need a “re-direct.” =)

42. March 7th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
    Geoff Livingston said

    Ironically, the best way to tell if someone is genuine is watching them eff up in public. That and how they handle it really shows their character. Otherwise you have to take them to a restaurant and see how they treat the waiter.

43. March 9th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
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