Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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March 25, 2009

How to Break Out of the Appealing Black Hole of Self-Doubt

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 8:09 am

It’s Hard to Shine in a Black Hole

I like sky. It gives me perspective. I think of the stars and how even the tiniest of them shines. It’s their nature to do that. They don’t worry or question whether the star to them is brighter, bigger, or doing something they should be doing.

It’s true. We’re made of the same stuff as stars.

When we’re true to ourselves, we shine like the stars do. We’re focused. We move with what’s inside and what’s true.

When we’re too involved in what folks are thinking and doing, it throws us off. Trying to keep up with other folks thoughts and feelings is impossible and overwhelming. It skews us. It changes our vision. We see inconsequential actions as huge events.

We put the “self” in self doubt.
That throws our whole universe into chaos.

You see, the universe isn’t meant to revolve around us.

The Black Hole

The black hole — a negative funk and flat out of energy.

We’re riding high, making dreams, and seeing the future bend to our wishes. Then something changes things. We lose a job, leave a lover, get sick, get scared, or work our way into mess and can’t find our way out. We’re disconnected from everything, including ourselves.

We try to reason, but we argue for why we’re stuck. We can name every part of the problem that’s outside of us. We close our eyes to anything that will help. We make the black hole even darker.

It’s hard to shine in a black hole.

What Makes Staying in a Black Hole So Appealing?

I know. I’ve been there. Here’s what I know –> Getting out can seem hard. Staying can seem safe. Yet, as comfortable as holing away can be — black holes don’t let the light in.


Hiding in a black hole of self-doubt, has its appeal. Black holes keep us from facing these challenges and realities …

Ben Franklin said, “Things that hurt, instruct.”

And people and stars are made of the same stuff.

But hanging in black hole is stressful, boring, and unattractive. It makes us negative and unhappy. When we’re unhappy enough, those challenges won’t be such a burden. We’ll blast out all at once, because we’re hungry for direction, energy, and hope.

Blasting out of a black hole is a decision. Here’s how to execute once you find a black hole of self-doubt isn’t a place worth being.

  1. Open your eyes and tell yourself off. Let the light in. You get to decide how happy you’ll be. Own your life.
  2. Do something for someone. Be generous. Get out of the center of your universe and back into orbit. You’ll lighten up.
  3. Make promises to the person you are AND keep them. Prove your integrity to yourself. Everyone else will see that shine through.
  4. Find out what other folks can teach you. Learn why someone cares about something you find insignificant. Learn how to say what you feel.
  5. Change your mind. Quit problem thinking. Argue for solutions. Align your goals with the the people you trust.
  6. Listen with your whole being. Listen for what people are not saying. Listen to what your actions are saying. Learn to laugh when you hear yourself whine.
  7. Make a small child smile. You were a child once. You know how.

A wise person once told me that change is the only constant. If we know nothing lasts we don’t attach too tightly. We value ideas and people. When we shine, it lets others know they can shine too.

Shine like the star you are. We need your light.

How do you shine your way out of self-doubt?

–ME “Liz” Strauss

Related
The Top 10 Ways to Start Living Your Life
7 Reasons and Ways to Leave the Center of the Universe to Come Back to Us Again

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19 Comments to “How to Break Out of the Appealing Black Hole of Self-Doubt”

  1. March 25th, 2009 at 8:34 am
    Lavanna Martin said

    Hi, Liz.

    “Listen with your whole being”. This is great advice. I’ve noticed a lot of people playing with their phones when others are talking. Are we forgetting how to listen?

    Thanks,

    Lavanna

  2. March 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am
    Kathryn said

    thanks for reminding me of how important it is to keep promises and of just who is the most important to be making that promise to - myself.

  3. March 25th, 2009 at 9:29 am
    sarah jo said

    thx for the inspiration this morning. i’m working on getting out of my black hole.

  4. March 25th, 2009 at 9:48 am
    Janet said

    Awesome post Liz. For some reason this is the time of year the black hole beckons me the most.

    I get out of it by taking the time to notice how lucky I am in so many ways and celebrating successes. Anything to jolt me out of my current mode and switch gears.

  5. March 25th, 2009 at 10:18 am
    Henie said

    It’s like the quote: “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” as to “when the reader is ready, the article appears!” :~)

    I was just back and forth with Ricahard @ccseed about self-doubt and he directed me to your article!

    I love how you compared us to stars…how stars don’t worry about not shining anymore…they just shine! This is contrary to people in that we are always worrying about “not shining” rather than the reverse.

    I’d like to add 4 things to your list:
    1) Show up
    2) Be present
    3) Be truthful
    4) Don’t get attached to the outcome of things.

    Great article, Liz! Thank you! :~)

    “Don’t just seek the light at the end of the tunnel…be the light through the tunnel!” ~Henie~

  6. March 25th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
    Joely Black said

    Perhaps my favourite recommendation is to do something for somebody else.

    I’ve survived the last few months - which have been really tough in many ways - by being present for other people. It has really opened my heart.

  7. March 25th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Kathryn,
    Whenever I Remind you of anything. I’m reminding myself. Imade myself a promise to listen. :)

  8. March 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
    Deirdre Reid said

    Wow, is this ever timely for me. I was laid off a few weeks ago so I have decided to move to Raleigh to be with my boyfriend, and even though it’s an exciting time, it’s still easy to slip into a bit of a anxious funk about being laid off and unemployed, especially in this market. This is what really resonated with me -

    “3. Make promises to the person you are AND keep them.”

    I find that I am most productive, creative and excited after following through on the things that mean the most to me. Especially, the hard things.

    And I love the quote you found from Ben Franklin, “Things that hurt, instruct.” There is something to learn from every experience. I’m planning to make the best of mine. Thanks for writing this post!

  9. March 26th, 2009 at 6:04 am
    Suzie Cheel said

    Wow I think I would link back to the Sunday post about talking turkey with myself.

    I also look at what I am avoiding that makes the black hole more appealing then the light?

  10. March 26th, 2009 at 7:08 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Lavanna,
    I know what you mean. I’ve made a promise to leave my computer whenever I talk on the phone. It makes conversations so much more.

    I’m enjoying the people I talk to and not seeing them as interruptions to my day. :)

  11. March 26th, 2009 at 7:11 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    @sarah jo!
    Let me know if I can help.

    @janet
    Spring holds such promise that it’s almost overwhelming. Yeah. I can see how this time of year affects us all in a positive/negative way. We look around and see so much growth it’s almost stunning. :)

  12. March 26th, 2009 at 7:15 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Henie,
    Thank you for adding your experience and wisdom. Being present and willing to move with the truth is the way to be part of the universe rather than fighting it. You’re a light yourself.

    Hi Joely,
    Like you, I’ve found that it’s hard to be mired in my own problems when I’m helping someone else. Perspective comes with generosity. Hang in there. :)

  13. March 26th, 2009 at 8:08 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Deirdre!
    I know. When we get hit by a major change, it’s not easy to keep our focus on the positive. Everything we know gets shaken. It’s no wonder we wonder. If only we could see ourselves as we might from the outside, but on the other hand that would only confuse the issue I think.

    Our job is to find the person we are without all of the outside noise.

  14. March 26th, 2009 at 8:09 am
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Yeah, Suzie,
    Until you pointed it out, I’m not sure that I saw what you were saying as self-doubt. You’re such strong and vibrant person to me … maybe we’re thinking the same thoughts in different ways. :)

  15. March 27th, 2009 at 2:46 am
    Candice said

    “Change is the only constant in this life” - I’ve been preaching that for years, I love it!!!

    Thanks Liz

  16. March 30th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
    Annie said

    Great post, Liz-

    You often write of the importance of listening. You’re right, of course. We distract ourselves with the noise and don’t listen. When we do, we discover empathy. Lots to think about. Thanks.

  17. July 30th, 2009 at 10:28 am
    Crystal Cha said

    Hey Liz!=)

    Thanks for sharing this. The part about change being the only constant hit me the hardest.

    I think one reason that keeps us in that black hole is that we hold on to experiences of the past - of how we’ve struggled and never really overcome our circumstances. Or how we may have overcome but fallen back into the same hole again.

    I think if we remembered that the miracle of change happens around us at every moment - that doors of opportunity to start afresh open around us all the time and it is our choice to walk through them - it would also help us blast out of that stinkin’ black hole. =)

  18. August 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
    Anand Philip said

    liz, Ive been walking these pits for about 2 weeks now, and managed to get a toe hold to climb out just today, your article is a great timely encouragement.

    I have failed a lot, and have come to believe in “try again, fail again, fail better”. It works.

    ciao
    Anand aka schizo

  19. August 16th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Ah Schizo,
    Wish you would have told me. I don’t think anyone should be in visible darkness for that long. I know. I’ve been there. It’s not nice.

    Glad you’re finding you’re way home. :)

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