Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness
Unlike working on yourself, in relating to other people it is important to work with, not against, their Enneagram type. The aim is to recognise and respect – even celebrate – the differences between their ways of being, thinking and feeling and your own. If you can do this, it will not only make them feel valued and understood, it will make the relationship easier, more fulfilling and (in a work context) more productive for all concerned.
At Work
Supposing you are a Two (Helper) with responsibility for managing an Eight (Leader) and a Four (Romantic). As you yourself are typically eager to help others, it would be easy for you to fall into the trap of assuming others have the same motivation. So when allocating a task to one of your staff, it might seem natural to tell them how helpful it will be if they complete it quickly, and how much they will be appreciated by others. Unfortunately ‘appreciation’ is not a key motivator for either Eights or Fours, so you could well become frustrated by their apparent lack of enthusiasm for the task. Yet the real problem is that you have not spoken to each of them ‘in their own language’ and you have failed to appeal to their core values – power and justice (Eight) or authenticity and originality (Four).
So supposing you were to approach the Eight slightly differently – instead of talking about helpfulness and appreciation, tell her that you have selected her for the task as it is a tough assignment and will require strength of character to overcome entrenched opposition. Emphasise the essential justness of the outcome and that success will represent a victory for right over wrong; the Eight will feel valued for her strength and eager to exercise it in the service of a just cause. (If this seems slightly melodramatic and overly ‘confrontational’, remember that is your perspective as a conciliatory Two, and that some tasks do require a firmer hand.)
Similarly, supposing you were to take the Four aside and let him know that you have selected him for this task because it requires someone with an original perspective, who will not be overly influenced by received ideas within the organisation, and who can be relied upon to stay true to himself even when others are challenging him. Tell him that considerable creativity will be needed to find a solution that sidesteps others’ objections and results in a memorable and distinctive outcome. (If this sounds as though you are pushing him ‘out on a limb’, remember that is your perspective as a Two with a strong need for connection with others, and that Fours often relish their ‘outsider’ status.)
Personal Relationships
A few years ago there were posters all over London for a play called I Love You, You’re Perfect – Now Change (http://www.loveperfectchange.co.uk/ ). I never saw the play, but couldn’t help smiling every time I saw the posters – they summed up so much about the expectations we place on partners and others who get close to us. When we first meet someone, we are struck by how new and exciting they are – we are entranced by their personality and the aura that surrounds them, and we find ourselves idolising them, including all the ways they are different to us.
Fast forward a few years (or even months) and the aura often fades, so that differences that were once charming can become confusing or even irritating. We start to notice their ‘faults’ and can’t help offering gentle hints and constructive criticism to help them overcome them – and get back to being the wonderful person we first met.
According to conventional wisdom, this is because we were intoxicated by love and placing them on a pedestal – the more time we spend with them, the more their true nature is revealed and we see their flaws. But the poet W.H. Auden argued that conventional wisdom has got things the wrong way round – it is when we first meet someone that we see them as they truly are, and later on, it is our own faults projected onto them that spoils the picture – and if we are not careful, the relationship.
As far as I know Auden was not familiar with the Enneagram but his attitude is very close to the way the Enneagram encourages us to relate to others – by looking for the source of conflict in our own skewed perceptions and assumptions, rather than seeing it as a fault in the other person.
So for example, a Three (Performer) and a Five (Observer) might fall in love – the Three entranced by the ‘mystery’ of the unfathomable Five, and the Five bowled over by the ‘glamour’ of the confident, successful Three. But conflict will arise whenever the Three fails to understand why the Five doesn’t ‘push herself forward more’ and gain more rewards and recognition for her knowledge and insights. Equally, the Five needs to watch out for her tendency to judge the Three as ‘shallow and materialistic’ in his pursuit of worldly success.
Having spent a fair amount of time working as a couples therapist, I’ve noticed it represents a significant turning point when two partners learn to let go of their expectations that the other should change, and learn to respect their differences – however irritating or strange they might appear! In terms of the Enneagram, this means accepting the other’s type and dropping the unspoken demand that they become more like our type. In the above example, this will happen when the Three learns to respect the Five’s need for privacy and autonomy, and when the Five learns to take the Three’s public success at face value and celebrate it.
Using the Enneagram to relate to others
When dealing with others, especially in pressured situations or when conflict arises, ask yourself the following questions:
- What expectations am I placing on the other person as a result of my own Enneagram type?
- Where would I place the other person on the Enneagram? What core values does this type have?
- How can I appeal to those values and ‘speak their language’?
- Has there ever been a time when someone has made life easier for you by speaking the language of your type and appealing to your core values rather than theirs?
- Have you ever succeeded in doing this for someone else? How?
- I don’t have all of the answers.
- My information could be dated.
- I’m wrong as often as I’m right.
- They’re not investing in themselves.
- Do a search.
- Ask someone who usually agrees, someone who usually disagrees, and someone who usually doesn’t have an opinion.
- Ask an expert.
- Point Two – can you move to point Four and focus on your own needs as well as others’?
- Point Three – can you move to point Six and spend time out of the limelight as a member of the group?
- Point Four – can you move to point One and adopt a more objective critical perspective on your own feelings and dreams?
- Point Five – can you move to point Eight and put yourself on the line by applying your knowledge in the world of action?
- Point Six – can you move to point Nine and set aside your suspicion by trusting others and celebrating difference?
- Point Seven – can you move to point Five and stop being a butterfly by focusing on one option and seeing it through to completion?
- Point Eight – can you move to point Two and set aside your own love of power by using your strength to serve others?
- Point Nine – can you move to point Three and allow the spotlight to rest on you as you perform at your best?
- Point One – can you move to point Seven and let go of your drive to achievement long enough to enjoy the pleasures of the moment?
- Has there ever been a time when you’ve caught yourself ‘responding from type’ and been surprised at how easy it was to get carried away by automatic thoughts and actions?
- Has there ever been a time when you’ve gone ‘against your type’ – either deliberately or because the situation demanded it – and discovered how liberating it can be?
- Fun things to do at birthday parties
- Birthday presents we love
- Our favorite kinds of cake and ice cream
- Getting a new driver’s license
- What it’s like when our birthday is near a holiday
Questions
If you enjoyed this series as much as I have, download the eBook version.
_____________
Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.
Thank you, Mark, this was incredible.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction
All of the Information Available
Knowing What We Can Know
Strategy is setting a vision, making a path, knowing what we can know, and planning for the variables. To know what we know . . . That means having command of the information available.
For a while now, new bloggers, mostly those who are younger, have emailed or IMed to ask me the most basic questions. It’s usually obvious from their message that they haven’t done the any research to answer the question on their own. I used to answer and send them on their way again. I don’t anymore. Now I point them in the direction where they might look.
Are they wrong to ask? No.
It’s always good to ask someone who’s been there. Though you might argue when to do that.
But they’re wrong if they rely on me to do their homework. It hurts them for several reasons.
I’m only one source in a world of the Internet. We often stop at the first answer to our questions. The first answer isn’t necessarily the best. It’s a great strategy to seek out all of the information available.
Having a strategy to find all of the information available at the beginning sets the foundation to build upon. Curiosity is a great teacher.
end of story.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
If you’d like Liz to help you find your strategy, click on the Work with Liz!!
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Change the World: Knowing When Not to Listen
Be the Teacher
Listening. We all want to be heard. It’s often a gift to listen when someone needs to talk. But not always . . .
Sometimes we talk just to know that we’re here. Sometimes we rattle on without thinking about what we’re saying. Sometimes we talk to fill space or win favor. Sometimes we talk just to know we’re okay or to prove that we’re good enough.
I heard a parable about a teacher and a student. Sometimes I’m the teacher. Sometimes I’m not. It’s easy to be the student. I want to remember the story, so I pass it on.
On beautiful day centuries ago, a teacher was walking down a dirt road in the country, thinking teacherly thoughts.
A student, filled with excitement, ran up to the teacher saying, “Master, I have news you should know, important news, from the city.”
The teacher smiled at the student and slowed so the student could catch up and catch his breath. As they walked together, the teacher softly spoke.
“May I ask a few questions first?”
“Oh yes, of course, Teacher, yes,” the student gushed.
“This news you bring — does it tell a of a good deed?”
“Oh no, Teacher. Someone has done something wrong.”
“Do you know the person yourself?’
“No, Teacher. I don’t, but the person who told me does.”
“Do you know that the story is true?”
“My friend swears it is so.”
The teacher walked silently for a while so that the student might hear his own answers. When the teacher spoke again, it was almost a whisper.
“You wish to tell me bad news about someone you do not know about something you don’t know is true. This news is not important.”
The teacher asked three simple questions and knew whether to listen.
Those three questions make it easy to decide.
We can choose not to listen.
We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
5. Using the Enneagram – Working on Yourself
Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness
The Enneagram is about movement and change, letting go of fixed identity and opening up to the possibility of transformation. G.I. Gurdjieff, the teacher who first brought knowledge of the Enneagram to the West, taught that we have two natures – ‘Personality’ which is essentially illusory, an image of ourselves that we learn from others; and ‘Essence’, our true nature. The Enneagram type belongs to ‘Personality’ in this specialized sense – and is therefore false, something we are unnaturally attached to through conditioning. The aim of Gurdjieff’s system was to help people let go of this false self-image so that their true Essence could emerge.
So the point of identifying your Enneagram type is not to put you in a box or stick a label on you – but to show you where the type (your self-image) helps you and where it is getting in your way. By deliberately working ‘against’ your type, you can open up new perspectives and make changes in long-established habits.
To give a personal example – by nature I’m quite a serious character (point One) who has always been keen to work hard and achieve things. In my early twenties I became very earnest about my personal and spiritual development – training as a therapist, attending meditation retreats and studying the Enneagram(!). This was very different to some of my friends who spent a lot of time at point Seven and were more playful and spontaneous – and usually ribbing me to get me to lighten up a bit.
Unfortunately, my friends were right. Much of my earnestness was the result of spending too much time at point One. Far from making me an ‘evolved’ person, it merely confirmed that I was trapped in the limitations of my type. So the Enneagram showed me my ‘blind spot’ – taking life too seriously. It showed me that for the sake of my personal development I had to have more fun and indulge in the vulgar pleasures of life!
So I made more time for fun, playfulness and hanging around with silly friends. Less time meditating, more time watching football and going to parties. I started to watch out for my tendency to criticise new ideas and to look for options instead of flaws. Gradually this led me to move away from exclusively focusing on the ‘serious business’ of psychotherapy and towards my other passions – writing poetry and coaching artists and other creative professionals.
This doesn’t mean I completely changed my character – I can still work hard and strive for excellence in whatever I am doing. But it does mean I can let go of some of the seriousness of point One and experience more of the joy of life – ‘all work and no play’ is a very relevant saying for point One!
Observing your Enneagram type
Enneagram teachers typically recommend two ways of working on yourself with the Enneagram. The first is simply to observe your type – read the descriptions and notice when you find yourself compelled to act according to type. For example – if you are at point Two, notice when you feel compelled to help someone; if you are at point Seven, notice when you get bored and feel the need to lighten the mood; if you are point Five, notice when you feel the need to withdraw from the group and gather your thoughts.
Getting into the habit of ‘just observing’ yourself is a great way to learn about yourself, even if the observations can make uncomfortable viewing at times. One Enneagram teacher, Richard Rohr, says we haven’t really ‘got’ the Enneagram until we have been humiliated – meaning that it is a humbling experience to realise how much of our thoughts, feelings and behaviour are conditioned by our type. On the other hand, this can also help us to develop compassion for ourselves – and for others, when we notice that they are also trapped by their type.
If you’re feeling really brave, you might want to show the description of your type to a trusted friend and ask them whether they think it’s accurate – pick your friend wisely, and be prepared for a few home truths!
Working against your Enneagram type
Let’s have another look at the Enneagram symbol:
Notice the arrows that have been drawn on the diagram – these indicate the ‘path of least resistance’ in the face of the difficulties of life. So for me at point One, the path of least resistance leads to point Four – whenever I am overwhelmed by the difficulties of achieving my goals, I am tempted to retreat to Four and take on the less desirable qualities of that type, by getting depressed and lamenting the state of the world. If I move in the other direction however, against the direction of the arrows, then I arrive at point Seven, which is when I lighten up and start to embrace the positive side of life.
Challenges for each type
Each Enneagram type faces a similar challenge in moving ‘against the arrows’ in order to overcome the limitations of their type:
Questions
Part 6 in Enneagram — a Brief Introduction will appear Thursday, July 5, at about this same time.
_____________
Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.
Thank you, Mark,
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction
Change the World: If You Can’t Say Something Nice
Forgive the Guy You Don’t Like
One of the best things about growing up shy is that I became an observer. I watch people and the patterns in our behavior. Yeah, I watch myself too.
Sometimes we do this curious thing. It’s as if we have two dictionaries. One dictionary we use when we talk about people we love and people we think are good. The other we use when we talk about people who scare us, have hurt us, or for some reason we have decided are not good enough.
The first dictionary has the words forgiveness and compassion. The second does not. When we decide we don’t like someone enough, we pick up that second dictionary. We find words like righteous and noble and use them to talk about ourselves and our feelings. Our noble selves decide how other folks think, forgetting entirely that they are people who love their children too.
I think that’s why my mother said, “If you can’t say something nice . . . ”
It seems a small thing, but it’s not. Think of the difference it would make in a life if we lived by that rule.
We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
The Mic Is On: We're Having a Birthday Party!
It’s Like Open Mic Only Different
Here’s how it works.
It’s like any rambling conversation. Don’t try to read it all. Jump in whenever you get here. Just go to the end and start talking. EVERYONE is WELCOME.
The rules are simple — be nice.
There are always first timers and new things to talk about. It’s sort of half “Cheers” part “Friends” and part video game. You don’t know how much fun it is until you try it.
A Birthday Party for Liz!
There’s plenty to talk about. Here’s a few ideas to get us started:
And, whatever else comes up, including THE EVER POPULAR, Basil the code-writing donkey.
Oh, and bring links to share: fireworks, birthday presents, cake and ice cream. . ..
–ME “Liz” Strauss
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