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Have You Found a Way to Make Small Talk Work for You Yet?

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Could We Just Get On With It?

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The holidays come with their obligations. The running, the gathering, and the inevitable holiday parties. The parties with friends and families can be true memory makers, filled with traditions and great reunions. The parties with coworkers and strangers can be a little intimidating, filled with small talk and expectations.

Small talk used to make me crazy. It was painful to listen to the ritual, empty conversation that didn’t go anywhere. It felt so inauthentic — people saying things and pretending to care about them. I’d try to participate but it was energy draining. “Could we just get on with it?!!” Small talk seemed such a time waster. How could so many people spend so much time getting no where, talking about the weather?

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything. — Mark Twain

I admit I didn’t understand. As a result, I not only wasn’t good at it, but I was disruptive.

I’d try to add humor, switch it up a little, and every attempt would fall flat. People who small talk like their small talk a certain way.

My aversion to small talk made networking events and big company meetings excruciating. An introvert with a mile wide shy streak, I could sense a small talk conversation 60 seconds before it started. I practiced defensive networking. I’d walk around, smile, and hope someone as uncomfortable as I was would discover me. My fear of babble was getting in my way. Worse, I was probably telegraphing something like disdain.

My inability to small talk wasn’t working for me. It was time for a new view: If so many people found it useful, maybe there was something to it. Maybe I should pay attention, do some observing.

What I found out is that small talk comes in more than one flavor. The second flavor might be what has left many of us with a bad taste.

Don’t Let the Small Talk You Hate Ruin the Small Talk that Makes Relationships

The first thing I noticed when I started observing is that small talk has a pattern and purpose. You’ve probably noticed it too. Small talk is used to fill silences. What I didn’t catch for quite a while is that small talk comes in two forms — one that serves people who already know each other and another for people building relationships.

The Small Talk that Builds Relationships

Small talk is a space filler and a social lubricant. People use conversation to move together over time. It’s a social bonding ritual in which people define relationships, set boundaries, find similarities and differences. Small talk enables people to learn another’s social position, validate similar interests, and establish a platform for a continuing conversation … “Oh yeah, Jesse is my movie buddy. Love talking movies with him.”

When relationships are new, small talk is how people learn each other’s boundaries.The opening remark and it’s response follow the rules of a conversational dance. It really works so easily and doesn’t have to be insincere or shallow if you know these rules.

  1. Small talk starts with an agreeable statement or question. Start a conversation by noticing something, such as “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” or “That’s a stunning necklace!” Smile and make it easy to talk to you. A simple agreeable statement or question is a way small talkers of making a positive initial connection. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about the weather, or the food, or the latest techie gadget, comment on something about the other person. Share something you’ve noticed that you’re enjoying at that every moment
  2. The response to the first question or statement usually builds on the first question or statement. Respond with a little more than was asked for … “Yes, I live for the tulips on Michigan Avenue.” or “Thank you! It attracts amazing people. Are you always so great at noticing nice things?”

    3. Accept the invitation the opening agreeable statement or question offers you. Continue the conversation by sharing something, passing the conversation back, and listening to your new acquaintance. Offer only as much detail as fits your new relationship.

Starting the conversation is actually the easier way. Notice something worth commenting on in an agreeable way.

If you’re at that holiday party with strangers and coworkers, remember this to have more success in starting a conversation. Don’t approach two people talking, they’re probably having a deeper conversation. Look for a group of people standing together. Then look at their feet. The way we stand gives away how engaged we are. The person most open to a new conversation will be the one whose feet are pointing away from the conversation.

A little practice at the agreeable opening statement or question made my experience of small talk so much more refreshing. Now I find it’s a great way to open doors to new relationships with amazing people. I highly recommend it.

If Small Talk Is So Good, Why Does Everyone Hate It?

Small talk shows up in other situations. One in particular may be what has earned small talk it’s bad name. That would be the small talk that happens before someone, particularly someone in authority, uses to find a common ground and an even relationship right before he or she delivers bad news. I call that “the three things before the but.” You may have experienced it. For the naive or new to the experience, it’s a kind of being blindsided. To those who have previously experienced it, it’s still painful because once burned it’s easy to recognize what’s next. An example might be …

You’re a fabulous writer, a charming person, and very charismatic, but … you’re fired.

The worst part of this version of ritual, warmup conversation is that it doesn’t matter how true the “three things before the but” may be, the way that they’re used to deliver the hard news renders the three compliments unbelievable. The three compliments were pulled together to manipulate the tone and smoothly move the conversation. This conversational tactic destroys trust.

Have You Found a Way to Make Small Talk Work for You Yet?

People who say the “three things before the but” aren’t building relationships.
People who smile and talk about the weather while shaking hands and stealing your wristwatch aren’t building relationships.
People who smile big, talk about the weather, ask about your kids, but forget your name over and over aren’t building relationships.

They all may be using the art of talk as a social lubricant, but their using it to serve themselves not a relationship.

It’s not the small talk that’s the problem or the opportunity. It’s the motive that drives it.

Choose wisely and you’ll find that small talk can open a world of new relationships. Break the ice, invite others in, and sincere small talk can build you a network of amazing people.

Though I never think of it as small talk when I do it. I think of it as fun conversation.

Have you thought about small talk lately? Have you found a way to make it work for you?

Be irresistible.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz on your business!!

I’ve spent a couple of days on Twitter. Actually too many to count. My first tweet was March 16, 2007 and

15 Ways to 365 Days of Gratitude

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A Guest Post by
Rosemary O’Neill

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365 Days of Gratitude

Now that the turkey leftovers are just about gone, it’s tempting to start hanging holiday decorations and move on. But we should cultivate an attitude of gratitude all year long. It’s one of the best ways to separate human-centered businesses from the robot army. Humans care about elevating others; robots only care about processing bits and bytes.

Here are 15 simple (but concrete) ways to show appreciation online.

  1. Give a Klout +K – you can debate whether Klout means anything or not, and CEO Joe Fernandez has said that +Ks don’t directly contribute to a higher score, but it sure feels nice when someone gives you a +K, especially in a relevant topic area.
  2. Facebook Like – an oldie but a goodie, some people obsess over their number of “likes,” so it’s a nice way to give a pat on the back.
  3. Follow or subscribe – following someone on any social network or subscribing to their feed (blog or status updates) means you are interested in what they have to say. What better way to show you care?
  4. RT or Mention on Twitter – the ReTweet is the highest compliment you can give someone on Twitter, and it contributes to their Klout score, so double score! Mentioning someone, in status updates or comments on other networks is like name-dropping. Often the object of the name-drop is notified, and most people enjoy being recognized publicly.
  5. #FollowFriday – this one has had its ups and downs, but done correctly, a nice FollowFriday on Twitter can be a nice perk for someone. I think Gini Dietrich does it best; she picks one person, writes about him/her on her blog, Spin Sucks, and then Tweets it out. It’s meaningful, succinct, and likely to result in more followers.
  6. LinkedIn Recommend – for a business connection, a nice recommendation for the individual or for their products/services is a great way to say thanks. It’s like getting a gold nugget in the mail!
  7. Empire Avenue buy or recommend – if your contact is on Empire Avenue, buying some shares or giving an endorsement or recommendation is a nice recognition.
  8. Google +1 – this is a very important one. When you give a Google +1 to a person’s content, it shows up in search results, and it means that their content is more likely to continue showing up in your search results going forward. That’s power.
  9. Twitter or Klout list – it’s pretty easy to set up lists in Twitter and Klout, and it’s a way to publicly pull the cream of the crop to the forefront. Would you like to be included in a list of “Smart People” or “People Who Inspire?” Yeah, me too.
  10. Paper.li inclusion – this is another service that has supporters and detractors, but I always feel a nice boost when someone includes my feed in a Paper.li or any other of the aggregator services (Storify too).
  11. Comment on their blog – this is where the action is. Offering an intelligent comment that contributes to someone else’s blog is a sincere compliment.
  12. Blog roll – kick it old school; honor someone by including their blog in your “links” list. Ever heard of “link juice?” It’s hard to come by, and a much-appreciated gift.
  13. Thank on Quora – if you participate on Quora (and it’s a great place to get answers directly “from the horse’s mouth”), the best thank you is a “thank you.” When you give a thanks, the person is notified.
  14. Reply to a forum topic – it takes courage to stop lurking and start a topic in a busy forum. When you choose to reply, and add your own thoughts to the conversation, you are supporting the orginal poster and the community itself.
  15. Comment “like” – several blog commenting systems support “likes” now, so you can select particular comments and single them out for praise.

My suggestion is to start every day by handing out a few of these, without any expectation of return. A day that starts with gratitude is already a success.

_____

Author’s Bio: Rosemary O’Neill is an insightful spirit who works for social strata — a top ten company to work for on the Internet . Check out their blog. You can find her on Twitter as @rhogroupee

Create New Business Connections Using Twitter Less than 30 Minutes a Day!

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Grow Your Business

This article first appeared on Amex Open Forum

If you produced the world’s most enticing business networking event, who would you invite? Certainly we’d all want people from our own industry – vendors, partners, stakeholders, employees, customers and clients, even competitors – people from all over the world connecting and sharing what they do and how they do it.

Information and connections invaluable to creating more opportunities for any business … but taking advantage of all of the possibilities at a huge event — finding the best strategic matches to your business — is clearly impossible to do. After all, such a gathering would involve thousands of great people (and likely a few who aren’t so great), and you’re only one you. In the few days at any live event, it’s not possible to explore a serious business relationship with every person who might strategically help you grow your business. And the cost in time and resources to attend more than a few events a year limits that ability to connect even more.

That’s what has made Twitter so popular. Twitter has become the World’s Largest Networking event and you can sign in to connect and build relationships that will grow your business simply by investing some quality time every day. Here’s how to get started building that Twitter network in as little as 30 minutes a day.

  1. Decide who you are. Twitter is about people of like minds and like values connecting to share what they know and to find ways to work together. To attract the people who meet that criteria for you, you have to be clear on your values, clear on who you are, and clear on what you have to offer people who might want to work with you.
  2. Choose a great profile pix. Your Twitter profile is your calling card and the first place people look when they want to know more about you. Think about the vendors, partners, stakeholders, employees, customers and clients, and even competitors you might want to talk with and learn from when you choose your profile picture. Make it a picture that reflects a real person that those real people will want to get to know.
  3. Make your bio more than a pitch. Read a whole slew of Twitter bios. Which ones make you interested in the people they represent? Say something in your bio that makes me want to know more about you and be sure to include a link to where I can find that “more” if I do.
  4. Search for like-minded people and follow them. Many tools can help you locate the people you want to follow. Make a list of key words that might identify the people who are a good match for you. Job titles, issues, and trends make good key word searches. Some tools to start finding people to follow might include Twitter’s own search box, Listorious.com, and a “who to follow on Twitter” search on your favorite search engine.
  5. Check who your followers are following. When you find and follow someone who knows your industry and also knows Twitter. Click through to see who that person is following. Read their bios and decide whether you should be following those people too.
  6. Listen to the people you follow and add value to their conversations. Watch what the people you follow do that you find worth imitating. Most influential Twitter folks talk directly to other people and make their message about the people they’re talking to. If you want people to listen to what you’re saying, speak in their language and make the message about them.
  7. Curate Attractive Content. Read the online publications that the people you want to attract and connect with would be interested in. When you find a great article, share the title, share the link, and share the @Twitter name of the author if you can find it. Everyone enjoys it when someone passes on their work. Many writers watch their Twitter “mentions” to see who has talked about them. It’s a great way to make relationships with them.
  8. Start slowly. Show up at the same times every day. With 15 minutes in the morning around 7am and 15 minutes in the evening around 4pm or 7pm, you’ll start seeing the same faces show up in your Tweet stream. and relationships will naturally happen, if you simply reach out to the people who care about the same things that you do.

Though Twitter can take more time than anyone might be able to afford, if you invest 30 minutes a day for a month, you’ll begin to get or extend invitations to share an email or a phone call about working together. Then, you’ll know how Twitter has come to be the world’s largest networking room inside your computer.

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz on your business!!

5 Mentors Everyone Needs

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by Patty Azzarello

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Building your career without mentors is like climbing Mt. Everest without a guide and a Sherpa.  Sure, you can attempt it but why would you?

Mentors can have a bigger impact on your success than virtually anything outside your own efforts.

If you rely on your personal talents and energy alone, you are at an extreme disadvantage to those that get help.

We all need mentors that help with:

1. Imagination
2. Reality
3. Connections
4. Learning

1. Imagination

Where do you get your ideas? Who challenges your thinking in a positive way? Big imagination is required to do your job in a stand-out way. What fuels your imagination?

Most of my biggest successes have started from other people’s ideas, challenges or inspiration. Whether it’s how you solve problems, or create new opportunities, you can’t do it if you never think of it!

Mentors can help a lot, because they typically have a very different perspective.

To fuel your imagination, look for mentors who:

  • Are 2-3 phases ahead of you in the maturity of how your job function is done.  This can be in a bigger company or a more established business or product line. It’s critical to realize what is possible.
  • Work at an order of magnitude bigger scope or geography – learn processes and techniques they use that help them do a bigger job, so you can apply those as your business grows.  Learning things from a much smaller company can also be really useful.
  • Do your job in different industries – a Ford employee got the idea for the assembly line by visiting a butchery.  Seeing how other industries solve the same problems can help you see completely different ways of doing things which are huge innovations when applied in your world.

2. Reality

It’s easy to get so tied up in what you are doing, that you can lose sight of the reality of changing attidudes, business conditions, or market landscape.? ?So look for mentors who are:

  • 10-15 years older and way ahead of you career-wise – they can help you see the things you are not seeing, navigate the land mines, work through unspoken rules, and point out opportunities to change the game that you might not see on your own.
  • In their 20’s and are a master at the web and social networking – you need keep up with how the world is communicating.  Don’t get left in the dark ages of email.  Know how to share information and engage your customers.
  • Talented business people in other functions – you get ideas not only for general leadership techniques, but “man on the street” insights about how  people in other areas view what makes your function successful.

3. Connections

Look for mentors who are In the job you aspire to.  It is important to really learn about the job you want before you go for it.  Having a mentor in that role can expose you to the real requirements, so you can practice thinking about it, or maybe even take on some projects to get real experience.

They also give you acccess to jobs like theirs when they come up, because being in that role, they get asked who to consider – and they think of you!
Also,

You are most vulnerable when you are not connected. You have less ability to execute if you do not have a strong network. Sure, you need to be building your personal network directly, but mentors can expand your personal and professional network exponentially; not just in terms of size but of usefulness.

4. Learning

Finally, you can’t have too many smart people in your life.

Spending time with people you learn from is a big part of creating success.

What are your personal learning goals? What learning agendas do you have for your organization? What do you want to be better at next year than you are now? How do you plan to get there?

Whenever you find someone you can learn from, create a reason to spend time with them.  Learn what they think. Bring them into your staff meetings as special guest stars.

Getting Mentors

Don’t get hung up on the term “mentor”.  Just buying a coffee for someone you can learn from, and getting the benefit of their time is the important part.

However, if you can formalize it to the extent that you both acknowledge that they care about your success over time, the benefits multiply. So, when you come across a relationship with a potential mentor that sparks, close the deal!? ?Check list:

Do you have your 5 mentors??
1.   Someone in the job you aspire to?
2.   Someone doing your job at larger scope or maturity, or in a different industry
3.   A twenty-something, web 2.0 guru
4.   A master networker
5.   A career guide 15 years your senior

Useful Goals:

You should have a goal of adding at least one real mentor to your life every year, and learning stuff from one really smart person once a month. How do you connect with mentors? Leave your ideas in the comment box below!

—–
Patty Azzarello is an executive, author, speaker and CEO-advior. She works with executives where leadership and business challenges meet. Patty has held leadership roles in General Management, Marketing, Software Product Development and Sales, and has been successful in running large and small businesses. She writes at Patty Azzarello’s Business Leadership Blog. You’ll find her on Twitter as @PattyAzzarello

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How to Be the Most Magnetically Attractive Person in the Room

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What Draws People to You?

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I have a friend who lights up every room that she enters. People are drawn to her. They gather around her. She’s a delight and so everyone wants to spend time with her. You might be surprised to know that she’s an introvert and doesn’t much like being in big groups.

Like me, this shy friend did her time standing against the wall watching from the outside while the great conversations happened just a few feet away from her. Then she cracked the secret of how to be in the conversation and help others belong in the conversation too.

How to Be the Most Magnetically Attractive Person in the Room

Much of what I know about feeling good in a big room comes from the time I spent watching my shining friend meet and greet people she doesn’t know and get them to talk with her. That introvert consistently becomes the most magnetically attractive person in the room. Introvert or not, here’s how you can do it.

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  • Smile. If it feels like everyone is looking at you, look at them. Look people in the eye and smile. Look like you’re someone easy to be with, friendly and approachable. Read on to get an idea on how to do that.
  • Assume kinship. Decide that you have something in common with everyone. Make it your goal to find out what it is. Something brought you both into the same room.
  • Take the “self” out of self-confidence. Be confident that every person will teach you something you didn’t know before. It could be a new idea, a new story or a practice at listening.
  • Start a conversation. Have a favorite easy, open question that solicits a creative answer or opinion. Mine is What do you do when you’re not this? Others are: If you could be anywhere right now, what would be doing? How does this event compare to the last event you attended? Mind if I ask your advice about how to meet some of the people in this room?
  • Wear something that gets folks commenting. Every notice how easy it is to talk to the man with the huge watch or the woman with colorful scarf. An interesting accessory invites conversation. Choose something that makes it easy to say “hello.”
  • Be approachable. As you’re talking to someone and you see someone approaching reach out an arm to invite that person into the conversation. You might pause to say, “Come on in.” Find out the person’s name. Introduce him or her into the conversation. Then continue on.

I’ve seen the magic that my friend spins whenever she steps outside herself to focus on every other person in the room. I’ve found it’s not just her talent. It’s a strategy that also works for me. And it can work for you.

To be the most magnetically attractive networker in the room, the key is to make it easy, smart, fun, and meaningful to talk to you. The same approach works online too.

What tricks have you found to be more approachable in a networking room?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz on your business!!

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How to Power Up Your Power Network and Bring It Closer to You

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It’s Always Been About Showing Up

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It’s fun to connect with people who do the same things we do. It’s also great business. But a quick hello and a conversation about what we do doesn’t make a relationship. If we don’t let our new friends know where serious about a relationship things often stop at that point.

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Suddenly we can find ourselves with idea, an adventure, or trip somewhere that would be a perfect fit for someone we’ve met but hardly know. We might have a product that would be a perfect fit for their network, but we’ve never gone past that first hello. We’d love to share the benefits with someone that we’ve met, but we’re not so comfortable that we’re not stepping over the line by even suggesting that.

Here are five highly effective ways to power up your power network and bring the people in your network closer to you.

  1. Be a good surprise. Keep a list of people who have referred you, recommended you, tweeted or retweeted your work, or done something large or small to help you. Write an unexpected email, direct message, handwritten note to one person on that list to say you appreciate the contribution that person has made in your life.
  2. Be a new encounter of the very best kind. As we travel Twitter and get introduced at meetings, we encounter more than a few people who have skills or interests that compliment are might add value to what we do. Once a week, make an appointment to talk on the phone with one or two people from that group. Ask about their goals for the next two quarters. Explore how you might align their goals with yours.
  3. Be a sincere fan. Email someone you respect and admire, but don’t know well. Write the email solely for the purpose of explaining the way that person has added value to your life.
  4. Be on a quest. Make it a quest to request help from someone you’ve never worked with. Every week, decide on one thing you probably would do better if you brought in some other brain, hands, or eyes. You’ll be surprised what you learn simply by deciding on what to request and then by listening to the answers.
  5. Be an idea explorer. Use a search engine, Wikipedia, books, magazines, and a rare group of friends to seek out new ideas on a subject your network cares about. Then share them generously online, on the phone, and in person whenever you interact.

Make time for all five of these every week and your network will explode with true connection — people you know, people who know you, and who know what you do. Every burst of energy in that direction with be a reminder that the people you’ve connected with are more than contact information to you.

How do you keep the power in your power network?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz on your business!!

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