Liz Strauss at Successful Blog

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October 20, 2009

What Is Trust?

ME Liz Strauss wrote this at 9:41 am

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That Was the Question

Some of you will click away before you read this — for whatever reason — we can’t invest in every message offered us or every person who brings it. For those who stay, thank you.

About a week ago, I spent time with someone I’ve known since I was 7. By the time one day had turned well into the next, we had caught up our lives and were well into our thoughts. Our friendship has lasted a life-time and we share in both silence and conversation. Picture two introverts not concerned with sharing thoughts aloud … a no-filter conversation.

In that amazing context, she looked me in the eyes to ask, “What is trust?”

That question is still with me.

Trust Is the Conversation

About a week before I sat with my life-long friend, I watched world leaders discuss how to get the world turning properly after we’ve undone so many things. Each speaker brought a message and each listener could choose whether to trust what he or she said. Trust, candor, and truth were common themes.

Trust has become the conversation. We talk about it with family, friends, business partners, clients, and journalists … online and offline. Seems reasonable that world leaders might talk about it too.

We’re defining it, outlining it, and promoting it to each other, but the how to seems less than firmly drawn. As I watch and listen I become more aware of what moves me to trust and what undermines that.

What Trust Is Not

I’ve never been one to trust or distrust power — the power of print, the power of a microphone, the power of office, the power of your signature on my paycheck. I am surprised and sometimes frightened by those who are.

Trust is a relationship not an office. It’s not situational.
Power and position get an opportunity, the same opportunity as anyone, not a better one. Politicians might even get less.

Trust is not good deeds, good looks, or the right t-shirt. Context helps, but doesn’t guarantee it. If you come in a context I trust, I listen more easily. If some way you look like me or sound like me, I might offer trust more easily. Still the trappings don’t make the real thing. My decision to trust you does.

And trust isn’t unilateral or blind. One-way trust is a handing over of power. Blind trust goes against self-preservation.

What Is Trust?

Trust is a decision, a commitment, a pact and a bond that builds and connects. Trust is shared values. Trust empowers by the questions it removes.

Trust is brave and vulnerable. Trust is not sparing my feelings. Trust is the hard truth spoken gently.

Trust is knowing and believing, giving and receiving without hesitation. Trust is not wondering whether what I say is true, whether I will follow through, whether my thoughts and feelings will change when I’m talking to someone other. Trust is knowing you are safely invested and protected.

We can lose it before we have it or find where we least expect it. Trust can be given, but not invented, stolen, or demanded.

Trust is a delicate sculpture we build through relationship, communication, thoughts, and behaviors. Once it’s shattered we can’t glue it back together. The only replacement is remaking the sculpture. Like wellness, generosity, or kindness, we’re most reminded of its value when it’s gone.

In the end trust is knowing you are the same when I’m not there … Trust is keeping promises, even the unspoken promises. Not every trust relationship is that of two life-long friends who communicate with or without words. But imagine if that were so.

Trust is a risk, venture capital. It’s a gamble with a friend, a lover, or a business. Trust is us leading and leaning on each other when the outcome isn’t clear.

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When I don’t ask, when I’m not present, when I don’t even know that your actions might have been different,

when the reality is consistently …

I bet on you and I won.

trust is.

What is trust … to you?

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz on your web presence.

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22 Comments to “What Is Trust?”

  1. October 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am
    Bruce Caron said

    “…the hard truth spoken gently.” We all need confirmation, even, and especially when one of the wheels is off track. Trust points us back to the path we thought we had chosen, or to a new path we were too timid to attempt. Thanks Liz!

  2. October 20th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
    Todd Smith said

    Wow, Liz. That was awesome!

    I just looked up trust in the dictionary and they had a picture of you there. :)

    I think trust is when I notice over a long time that you really are the person you say you are, and it’s a person I want to be with.

  3. October 20th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Bruce,
    I so like where you took this. :)
    We all need to know the truth. It saves us from fear. How can you hurt me when I already know? It’s how someone says it then that matters. Trust points to the truth.

  4. October 20th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Todd,
    That is a great way to put it. When I trust someone completely, the thought of who I am never comes up. I just am who I am. That’s how I recognize a life-long friend.

  5. October 20th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
    Matt Dollinger said

    Liz,

    I have to say that this is one of the best posts I have read in a long time (there must have been something in the water out at BlogWorld!)

    “Trust is a delicate sculpture we build through relationship, communication, thoughts, and behaviors.”

    So many that I work with want it quick - they want it without all of the steps that you outline and believe that it should be automatic if I have a page full of testimonials. As you point out… it’s not that simple.

    My challenge - is for someone to take a chunk of your post and put it under their “ABout Me” section with the lead in:

    We at understand that:
    *Trust is a decision, a commitment, a pact and a bond that builds and connects.
    *Trust is shared values.
    *Trust empowers by the questions it removes.
    (etc. Continued)

    Followed up with how they intend to earn it.

    However - they have to mean it. This could be an incredible marketing piece for someone that really doesn’t care and just wants a quick deal. But if they mean it - your post could be just what they need to engage their clients.

    Great post -

    Matt

  6. October 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
    Lucretia said

    Love this Liz. Will think about my answer to your question! :)

  7. October 20th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
    jim ericson said

    Hi Liz. The notion that it’s important to be able to build trust with others is one of the latest “silver bullets” ricocheting off the walls of corporate America. As a result, books on trust, seminars on trust, and consultants that say they can help a company create a high trust culture in ten easy steps are in high demand. This is hogwash! There is no formula or set of skills that you can master to help you build trust with others. Trust building is a raw, organic process that consists of spending whatever time it takes to tell our stories to others and listen to theirs. And,I don’t just mean stories that flesh out our resumes. I mean stories that tell where we came from,and where we dream of ending up; stories that shed light on the paths we’ve traveled - triumphs and tragedies alike; stories that reveal not only what’s on our mind but also what’s in our heart. Then,at the end of the storytelling, or when we’ve gotten to know each other from as many different angles as possible, we get to decide whether we trust each other or not. And, if we’ve been really truthful with each other, a genuine trust relationship is almost always the result.

  8. October 20th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
    Nicola Stevens said

    The paradox of Trust - you know instantly when it is lost - but are not always fully conscious of having given it in the first place.

    Great question to ask - thank you for the article

  9. October 20th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
    Scott Baxter said

    Well put. Now if “Trust” can remain pure, then we may have something. Maybe trust is best when it is made, left intangible. A quiet truth.

  10. October 20th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
    Kathryn said

    Very powerful post Liz. Will be thinking about this for a long time. Thank you. I miss being here.

  11. October 20th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
    Connie Burke said

    Hi Liz
    I like the same quote as Bruce:trust is the hard truth spoken gently.
    For me, this captures what what performance reviews at work should be. Often, they are not, and I think this is what separates true leaders apart.
    I have also tried to use this in raising my kids - it doesn’t do much good to shelter them from harsh realities, yet you don’t have to use harshness in helping them understand something they might otherwise not.
    You have given me much to think about today. Thanks for that.
    Excellent post. Well written, and thoroughly provocative. Even though it’s something we should all be mindful of anyway!

  12. October 20th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Matt,
    I am taken by your response. Just the fact that you heard what I was saying tells me that you are someone I’d like to work with and do wish I’d met while we were in Vegas.

    Your head and heart show through in all you’re saying. My hope is that we can show folks how to do this the way we all once knew how.

    PS. I so mean what I wrote. I couldn’t have written it, if I didn’t. Thank you for knowing that.
    I plan to talk with you soon.

  13. October 20th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Lucretia,
    I already know your answer. It involves Boise. :)

  14. October 20th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Jim!
    As you point out, trust is not a buzz any more than “joy” on a holiday card really offers delight.

    I love how you say that a high-trust environment is raw and organic and takes whatever time it takes to share our stories, especially to listen. Triumphs and tragedies are what humanity is made of — joy for others and compassion lifts us all. Head without heart is its own kind of thoughtless.

    Truth is what makes trust. You said that so well.

    Thank you.
    You’re not a stranger anymore.

  15. October 20th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Nicola,
    So true what you said. We notice it most when it’s gone.

  16. October 20th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Scott,
    Everyone gets to pick… I like your idea.
    Pure trust works for those who recognize it, but I fear that trust is whatever we agree to accept.
    I wriote my definition. I’ve been lucky to have such trust in my life. Now I know you and I feel heighted to realized someone else sees as I do.

    Thank you for that.

  17. October 20th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Kathryn
    You are always welcome here. Please come back. :)

  18. October 20th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Connie,
    I don’t know you well, but I’m fairly certain that you would like Bruce very much.

    I agree with what you’re saying. I hope my son knows me in the same way. I’m sure there are moments he remembers that my truth wasn’t so gentle, still he has my undying trust. Hiding the truth from those we care for disables them — doesn’t protect them in any way. We don’t save them when we hide behind something they can’t trust. We only make ourselves smaller.

    Thank you so much for coming over to read what I had to say.

  19. October 21st, 2009 at 7:29 am
    Karin H said

    Hi Liz

    Trust is a leap of faith, based on rational and irrational thoughts/feelings/experiences.
    Trust is accepting without fear.

    Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

  20. October 21st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
    Lydia, Clueless Crafter said

    A light went on. I never thought of trust being the byproduct of truth, that one is born from the other.

    Is truth a noun and trust a resulting state? Ok, this is getting a bit philosophical, but the post warrants such reflection.

  21. October 23rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Hi Karin,
    How did I miss this comment before.

    Trust is accepting without fear.

    Thank you for that.

  22. October 26th, 2009 at 7:04 am
    links for 2009-10-26 | My East Bay Agent said

    [...] What Is Trust? | Liz Strauss at Successful Blog "when the reality is consistently &I bet on you and I won." (tags: trust lizstrauss) [...]

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