Enneagram Series by Mark McGuinness
Unlike working on yourself, in relating to other people it is important to work with, not against, their Enneagram type. The aim is to recognise and respect – even celebrate – the differences between their ways of being, thinking and feeling and your own. If you can do this, it will not only make them feel valued and understood, it will make the relationship easier, more fulfilling and (in a work context) more productive for all concerned.
At Work
Supposing you are a Two (Helper) with responsibility for managing an Eight (Leader) and a Four (Romantic). As you yourself are typically eager to help others, it would be easy for you to fall into the trap of assuming others have the same motivation. So when allocating a task to one of your staff, it might seem natural to tell them how helpful it will be if they complete it quickly, and how much they will be appreciated by others. Unfortunately ‘appreciation’ is not a key motivator for either Eights or Fours, so you could well become frustrated by their apparent lack of enthusiasm for the task. Yet the real problem is that you have not spoken to each of them ‘in their own language’ and you have failed to appeal to their core values – power and justice (Eight) or authenticity and originality (Four).
So supposing you were to approach the Eight slightly differently – instead of talking about helpfulness and appreciation, tell her that you have selected her for the task as it is a tough assignment and will require strength of character to overcome entrenched opposition. Emphasise the essential justness of the outcome and that success will represent a victory for right over wrong; the Eight will feel valued for her strength and eager to exercise it in the service of a just cause. (If this seems slightly melodramatic and overly ‘confrontational’, remember that is your perspective as a conciliatory Two, and that some tasks do require a firmer hand.)
Similarly, supposing you were to take the Four aside and let him know that you have selected him for this task because it requires someone with an original perspective, who will not be overly influenced by received ideas within the organisation, and who can be relied upon to stay true to himself even when others are challenging him. Tell him that considerable creativity will be needed to find a solution that sidesteps others’ objections and results in a memorable and distinctive outcome. (If this sounds as though you are pushing him ‘out on a limb’, remember that is your perspective as a Two with a strong need for connection with others, and that Fours often relish their ‘outsider’ status.)
Personal Relationships
A few years ago there were posters all over London for a play called I Love You, You’re Perfect – Now Change (http://www.loveperfectchange.co.uk/ ). I never saw the play, but couldn’t help smiling every time I saw the posters – they summed up so much about the expectations we place on partners and others who get close to us. When we first meet someone, we are struck by how new and exciting they are – we are entranced by their personality and the aura that surrounds them, and we find ourselves idolising them, including all the ways they are different to us.
Fast forward a few years (or even months) and the aura often fades, so that differences that were once charming can become confusing or even irritating. We start to notice their ‘faults’ and can’t help offering gentle hints and constructive criticism to help them overcome them – and get back to being the wonderful person we first met.
According to conventional wisdom, this is because we were intoxicated by love and placing them on a pedestal – the more time we spend with them, the more their true nature is revealed and we see their flaws. But the poet W.H. Auden argued that conventional wisdom has got things the wrong way round – it is when we first meet someone that we see them as they truly are, and later on, it is our own faults projected onto them that spoils the picture – and if we are not careful, the relationship.
As far as I know Auden was not familiar with the Enneagram but his attitude is very close to the way the Enneagram encourages us to relate to others – by looking for the source of conflict in our own skewed perceptions and assumptions, rather than seeing it as a fault in the other person.
So for example, a Three (Performer) and a Five (Observer) might fall in love – the Three entranced by the ‘mystery’ of the unfathomable Five, and the Five bowled over by the ‘glamour’ of the confident, successful Three. But conflict will arise whenever the Three fails to understand why the Five doesn’t ‘push herself forward more’ and gain more rewards and recognition for her knowledge and insights. Equally, the Five needs to watch out for her tendency to judge the Three as ‘shallow and materialistic’ in his pursuit of worldly success.
Having spent a fair amount of time working as a couples therapist, I’ve noticed it represents a significant turning point when two partners learn to let go of their expectations that the other should change, and learn to respect their differences – however irritating or strange they might appear! In terms of the Enneagram, this means accepting the other’s type and dropping the unspoken demand that they become more like our type. In the above example, this will happen when the Three learns to respect the Five’s need for privacy and autonomy, and when the Five learns to take the Three’s public success at face value and celebrate it.
Using the Enneagram to relate to others
When dealing with others, especially in pressured situations or when conflict arises, ask yourself the following questions:
- What expectations am I placing on the other person as a result of my own Enneagram type?
- Where would I place the other person on the Enneagram? What core values does this type have?
- How can I appeal to those values and ‘speak their language’?
- Has there ever been a time when someone has made life easier for you by speaking the language of your type and appealing to your core values rather than theirs?
- Have you ever succeeded in doing this for someone else? How?
Questions
If you enjoyed this series as much as I have, download the eBook version.
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Mark studied the Enneagram as part of his training as a psychotherapist. He has used it for his own personal development and in his work with individuals, families, and organizations. Mark McGuinness’ business Wishful Thinking, is a specialist coaching and training service for creative businesses such as design studios, ad agencies, film and TV production companies, computer games developers, architect’s practices and fashion designers.
Thank you, Mark, this was incredible.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Related:
See the complete series listing at Series: The Enneagram – a Brief Introduction
Liz,
Without knowing it or meaning to, you have stabbed me in the deepest part of my being and found my weak point.
I am an 8. A strong 8. An unforgiving, indomitable 8. But with the help of my theological training, more than a few mentors, including my wife, best friends (who are psychologists), and the Church, I am in recovery. I’ve got a long way to go and not much time, but I am trying very hard to understand other’s core being and to reach out to them in ways that touch their core being.
Lewis,
Hey, forgive yourself. Have a heart. It’s not so hard and once you do, you’ll find smiling’s a whole lot easier. 🙂
Don’t be silly. We’re all human on this planet. Not a one of us is that perfect human being or we’d be ascending into heaven, or some such, wouldn’t we?
Your 8 keeps us grounded in ways we value. What I’ve learned is the folks that irritate me most are the ones I need, because they care about the things I do not — which make them good at what I am not good at. So together we are strong. Suddently, they’re not irritating, they’re my best bet. 🙂
Lewis,
Please take Liz’s advice. There is no better for you or for any of us. My prayers are with you.
Liz, thank you and Mark for this great series. I devoured the eBook this afternoon because I’d missed parts of the series earlier. It’s an interesting contrast to the quadrant-oriented models.
Mike
Aw Mike,
It sure doesn’t hurt to have someone like you around to make someone like me feel valued. 🙂
Thanks.
Mark really knows the enneagram. Other than his own blog, I feel confident in saying that you won’t find better discussion about the enneagram anywhere on the Internet. He’s that good. Well, you know. You read the eBook. 🙂
I would add a note to Lewis and say that NONE of the numbers are BAD or GOOD. Fours tend to get really ashamed when they learn they’re fours. Eights are not bad – they’re just powerful and get to learn how to channel that power. According to some stuff I’ve read: Martin Luther King was an 8. So was Mother Teresa. So is Michael Beckwith. Iyanla Vanzant. Some of history’s most powerful and charismatic leaders are eights. Celebrate who you are! (and maybe do a little meditation each day!)
Christie,
Thank you for bringing your thoughts to this conversation. You’re a gem and a wonder! 🙂
I just want to say thank you, Mark. I’ve never read much about the enneagram. This was a great introduction to it. I downloaded the book you put together to read it all at one go.
Hi Mark,
I’m a 5 and my new principal is a 1. She is a strong problem solver, but can she ever just give a compliment? Sometimes we need encouragement. How do I speak in her language?
Lewis – thanks for your heartfelt comment. Admitting weakness and vulnerability is the hardest thing for point 8, so I know how much courage it must have taken to write that. Christine is absolutely right – there’s nothing inherently bad about any type, only about getting too attached to it so the ‘type’ turns into a stereotype. Yes 8s can be overbearing and hard work sometimes – but where would we be without people willing to step up to the plate and take a lead when it’s needed? The most important thing is that we handle the type ‘lightly’, making the most of its gifts but without identifying too strongly with it. E.g. as a 1 I make a killer proofreader and I’m pretty good at getting things done, but I need to watch out for getting over-critical and nit-picky!
Liz – yes, “the ones that irritate us most” are definitely the ones we need! Gurdjieff said “thank everyone who gives you an opportunity to work on yourself” – meaning anyone who rubs you up the wrong way and forces you to look at the limitations of your type. Fritz Peters tells a great story about living with Gurdjieff’s students in a chateau in France – there was one person who irritated the rest of the community so much they drove him out. But Gurdjieff made Peters (then a boy) run after the troublemaker and give him a large sum of money to entice him back – precisely BECAUSE he was such an irritant and kept the other students on their toes!
Mike – thanks for the feedback I’m glad you enjoyed the e-book. Yes, I much prefer the beauty of the Enneagram diagram to another quadrant!
Rick – again, that’s great to hear, thank you. The Enneagram made a big difference to my life, I’m glad I can share it in this way.
Last but not least – a big THANK YOU to Liz for having me as a guest. And to Sandy for the wonderful illustrations. It’s always nice to visit someone else’s place although I wouldn’t be a 1 if I weren’t slightly apprehensive (must be on my best behaviour, hope I don’t break anything, remember to give the key back etc). But it’s been great fun seeing my words appear on such a distinguished platform and connecting with everyone through the comments. I look forward to seeing you around here in future, and of course you’ll be very welcome if you pop over to Wishful Thinking.
Oh Mark!
. . . and you say 2s are blind to our own value — ha!!
Look around, son. Listen to that standing ovation. It’s certainly not for me. All I did here was watch. 🙂
It took me a few decades to learn something that I’ll try my hand to explain in what might be ennegram terms . . . applause is about the audience offering something that they are acknowledging. A performer takes a bow to acknowledge that he or she has heard and received what the audience shared. If the performer says “Ah it was nothing.” . . . in a small way, he or she is discounting, denying, not only his or her own talent/performance, but also the audience’s compliment.
HA!!! [Liz says with a giant grin.]
I say this with all love and kindness. . . . Go to the 3 and accept the kudos and the praise — do your best to enjoy it without worry. You can’t be anything but graceful. That’s who you are. We can’t see you turn red. We’re looking at a computer.
And quite frankly you did an outstanding job. Nothing you say will convince up otherwise. So, resistance is futile. 🙂
Thank you for excellence and so much of yourself.
Liz
Liz – ouch! Well 3 is a blind spot for me at 1 (no direct connection) so I’m not always comfortable in the limelight, but I didn’t actually say it was nothing – it wasn’t it’s a great deal to me to hear such enthusiastic responses to the series. (Is there a red smiley thing?) 🙂
Hi Diana – good question! I think the key to it is your implied demand that she speak your language – “can she ever just give a compliment?”. While I can completely understand your need for encouragement, unfortunately she doesn’t, so you’ll save yourself a lot of frustration if you drop that demand (easier said than done, I know!). Assume she will never give the compliment or encouragement, and find a way to get what you need from yourself or others who are close to you.
Re how can you speak HER language? – excellence, thoroughness and attention to detail are all key phrases in her vocabulary! I remember starting work as a proofreader for a book publisher, I realised my editor was at point 1, so the first couple of days I was in and out of his office with a long list of detailed queries re the house style (hyphenation, capitalisation, U.S. or US? etc.). Towards the end of the second day he was beaming, telling me “I can tell you’re doing an excellent job” (which of course I was :-)) even though he hadn’t seen the finished result! That’s actually quite revealing about Ones – we can be very forgiving of mistakes or falling short, what’s crucial is that we feel the person has really tried their best and hasn’t spared themselves – laziness is the cardinal sin the One’s book.
So anything you can do to show her that you’re making an effort and paying attention to the kind of details she thinks are important will help her relax and trust you. Maybe even praise you. For Ones, the rarity of their compliments make them all the more valuable when they are finally awarded. It’s up to you whether you agree with that, but be aware that any time she does praise you, in her eyes she will be giving you something very valuable – and watching to see whether you have noticed.
Does that help?
Aw Mark,
I didn’t mean to make you say “ouch.” Darn. I think I was just riding my post about compliments and apologies . . . and practicing what you were teaching — although I did have to look it up to be sure which number it is that can take a bow. 🙂
Heh, ‘ouch’ is good Liz, helps me wake up! 🙂
Thanks Mark,
It’s gracious of you to say that! 🙂