Dragonslayer
When I was a young manager, I didn’t know it but, I saw myself as a knight in shining armor. I had decided that rather than look to my boss for approval, I would look out my people. I would be their champion.
When a person on my team came to me with a problem, I would immediately want to make that problem be gone. I would listen in depth to the story and talk with the person about strategy on how to handle it.
Sometimes the best strategy would be for me to step in. Defusing problems became removing road blocks and slaying dragons. Not the best way to look at things.
Armed with sword of the story that I’d been told, I would head over, up, or down to the location of the other people involved to meet about the issue. Sometimes the meeting would include the person who brought me the problem. Sometimes it would be a meeting between me and my counterpart in another department.
The meeting would happen. I would lay out the “facts” as I had been told them in the fewest words from beginning to end, and when I was finished. I would have slayed the dragon.
All too often that would be when manager peer would tell me the other side of the story and I would look down to see a slain kitten.
These days, when I hear a story of how someone has been wronged. I listen so carefully. I put myself in that person’s shoes. I think and feel as I were the person talking. Then I do what I might to get the other side of the story. I look for innocence, compassion, and forgiveness enough to give to both sides.
I’ve sworn off slaying kittens.
We can change the world — just like that.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
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If you’re ready to change the world, send me your thoughts in a guest post. Feel free to take the gorgeous Change the World image up there that Sandy designed back to your blog. Or help yourself to this one.
. Email me about what you’re doing or what we might do. Let’s change the world one bit at a time together. Together it can’t take forever.
I had the same experience as a union shop steward years back… oops! I finally donned my investigative reporter’s hat- the workers didn’t always like it- they expected me to always take their side, but I refused to move forward on rumours, hear-say, and one-sided stories.
Ahhhh… talk about peace of heart!
What kinds of skills did you bring to sort out the situation? And how did you bring resolution to the original person who was upset? Any examples? Or ways you wish you had, knowing what you know now?
Hi Mark,
Welcome! That’s true the world does expect us to take their side don’t they? 🙂
What wonderful questions you ask here. Wow! Thank you for leaving them for us to use. 🙂
Thanks, Liz, for reminding us of this one. It’s an important principle that may just keep us out of trouble, too.
Even King Solomon (a wise guy if there ever was one!) warned about “taking up another’s cause” because we may not have all the facts – and in fact may NEVER have all the facts.
Cheers!
I have never experienced honest righteous indignation. I rationalize all the time. I attack dragons with my words usually. My supervisor makes me mad and I spout off a bunch of nonsense–at home usually.
Is it blowing steam? Or is it slaying a kitten with words?
Am I indignant about some real injustice? Or am I miffed that I was reminded of my place?
Ah, your post is music to my ears, Liz. It’s just what every conflict management expert wants to hear, particularly that piece about looking for all sides to the story.
Before I was a mediator and coach, I was a college VP and had a few sad kitten moments myself. It was when I was learning to be a mediator that I finally lost my attachment to fixing–that training just wrung it right out of me for good. It’s when I learned it isn’t about me me me me. It’s about the folks on my staff I’m trying to help. When I’m attached to fixing, I make it about my own stardom and do-gooder ego, too often at the risk of moving to resolution that ill-suits one or more of those involved.
Here’s to detachment from stardom!
When I was a young guy I had a supervisor who would show up at a scene and ask “What can I do to help?” I always remembered that and when I became the supervisor I did the same thing. It’s amazing how a little support can instill loyalty and a good working atmosphere.
Hi Robert!
I like that you use the words “another’s cause.” I learned to counsel folks not to slay other folks’ dragons.
They may let us, but in the end, I find they are rarely grateful when we do. Why? Because it rarely turns out well and when it turns out well it rarely turns out as they wanted.
Letting others work out their own issues with guidance is a silent form of value-added managment. 🙂
Hi Mark,
How you remind me again of my favorite saying on the topic . . .
I believe that whenver we feel righteous we are wrong.
If that’s adrenalin and I’m about to act — the house should be on fire or someone in moretal danger. Otherwise the action can wait until the adrenalin level settles back to normal and I feel relaxed. 🙂
Hi Tammy!
Me, me, me, that superstar manager, that great white knight on a horse!!
who just fell off. 🙂
I used to think the value was in fast and clever. Now I know it’s in thoughtful, reasoned, supportive, and nice.
Hi Roy!
A what can do to help when things are piled high can be a voice from a savior. You bet it can make a difference. 🙂
Liz, have you ever noticed how hard people try to get you to side with them on topics – especially those that have charge around them? What do you think causes this?
Hi Dawud,
I’m thinking that you meant to say “those that have change around them.”
I think it’s the power of “group think” and the need for alliance of power. Saying “no” and being negative about an idea is easier than standing up for something. When you stand up for something I become a target for anyone who disagrees with me. The more people I have who are “on my side” the safer I am.
At least, that’s my sense of it. 🙂
Is that what you see?
Yeah, I agree. It is safer. It can shake up some pretty deep stuff to stand up and be different.
My take on it is that people who work hard to convince you of their position are actually show us their own uncertainty about their position. It’s one thing to inform, share, attempt to educate or have friendly debate. It’s quite another to insist that you agree with me because I have the only way. I think that comes from insecurity and uncertainty in oneself and one’s position. So the only way we feel as though we have security is to convince others to join us. Then we can feel, although momentarily, better about our own insecurities.
I may have gotten a little squirrely with the words, but I think the concepts comes throught…
we need others to agree with us because we don’t fully agree with ourselves.
Wow! Dawud,
That is some thinking. That’s a blog post. I hope pick this right up out of my comments, play with a bit and put on it on your blog. It’s a conversation that needs to go father.
That last sentence, man, says it all.
Dawud and Liz,
That’s a piece of the puzzle, Dawud, to be sure. I suspect it doesn’t always happen consciously, either.
Let’s be cautious, though, about assuming one explanation like this is a global answer to people arguning strongly for their position. Conflict is complex and so are we.
People who stand strong in their positions may do so for other reasons as well, including defending perceived or real threat to their identity, a well-cultivated desire to win (we value competitiveness highly here in U.S. culture), genuine belief in being right, or belief that strong positionality shows spine and leadership.
That’s just the beginning of the list. The danger in saying, “Ah, I know why that person’s being so positional” is that we close ourselves to other information that might challenge our assumptions and open us to see the person through a different lens (you said this well in your post, Liz). It’s probably safer to take the mediator’s headset: “Gee, what’s behind such strong positioning? It could be this. It could be that. How might I find out?”
I’m reminded of something Isaac Asimov said: “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but rather, “hmm…. that’s funny….”
Tammy,
That is why I’m so excited that you’re coming to SOBCon. Every time I think I know something. You come back and bring a new perspective.
I think I’m being right on the money. You show me how I’ve missed the mark on being direct in my conversation and I could say it in a more straightforward manner.
I get energized by your comments when you come by here. 🙂