about talking and listening.
I like to watch people talking — people networking, people starting meetings, people in conversation. Last night, I was with a group of people who didn’t know each other, or who didn’t know each other well. I got to see how people said “hello,” and how they responded when that “hello” was answered. Some people seem to hear the response. Some people don’t.
During the evening a project was discussed with the group. Questions were asked. Some were answered. Some were not. Conversation continued in twos, threes, and fours. I was fascinated by who was listening and who was only pretending to keep track.
I was part of several conversations myself. Most were exciting exchanges. Passionate ideas were shared and possible plans were drawn.
But one man and I just couldn’t find conversational common ground. Whenever I tried to add to what he was saying, he came back with something that, to me, made my words sound out of place and wrong. I started focusing on my ideas and explaining more — losing track of him and myself.
Pushing my words didn’t inspire him to listen. Did I think it would? Had I been thinking about such things at all? It was 10 minutes gone wrong. This kind of miscommunication doesn’t happen often, but it’s same every time it does.
I can’t force someone to hear me, . . . especially if I stop listening myself.
Does this happen in your life too?
Image: GeekPhilosopher
Yes, I’ve experienced that. I call them “out of sync” conversations. Both parties always leave unconnected.
Men from Mars, Women from Venus?
Sorry Liz, but this sounds so familiar to me (too familiar really).
Some do hear what you’re saying and listen, but just don’t acknowledge that simple fact and just continue their own trail of thought. Which makes us think we haven’t been heard so we ‘repeat’ what we think. Etc Etc Etc.
Listening and talking are both an art, the finishing touch in a conversation is the acknowledgment 😉
Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)
Every once in a while I find myself in conversation with someone and I am fully aware that they are not listening to or understanding a single thing I say. The few moments after that realization are always uncomfortable because I know that nothing will put us in sync, and I need to find an exit.
Hi Karen!
Great name for that kind of conversation. I like that. 🙂
Hi Karin,
What a point you make. Sometimes I have to stop to ask, “Am I making sense? I’ll keep talking if I’m not.” That usually gets some feedback. 🙂
Hi Writer Dad,
What’s worse is when I realize that someone has come to that conclusion about me and I see him or her check out . . .
I like Karen’s definition of those type of conversations 😛
I think we’ve all experienced moments like these. As much as you try and find some common ground, there just isn’t.. And like Writer Dad, sometimes you just have to find an exit.
Personally, I make it a point to be attentive in any conversation I have. Sometimes I might not understand, but you can rest assured I’m listening…
Liz, your post reminded me of something I read by Stephen Covey years ago and have used repeatedly with my conflict resolution students. He talked about 5 levels of listening:
1. Ignoring
2. Pretend listening (patronizing)
3. Selective listening
4. Attentive listening
All four of the above take place within one’s own frame of reference. They’re more about us than the other.
5. Empathic listening
This last one is the real gift, because it takes place within the other’s frame of reference. It’s #5 that you’re writing about so beautifully here.
Hi Ribeezie,
I think a person who can be always attentive is a gift to have as a friend. Know what genuine value that is. 🙂
Tammy,
You have a way of finding such wonders in what I write. I think you’re the 5 in this equation. 🙂