“The way to make a movie is to understand that you’re speaking to one person at a time, in the dark.”
As bloggers we write to tell stories as a way of sharing information in a personal engaging way. A filmmaker takes the same approach and looks for feedback to gauge the response of viewers. We see the fruit of our efforts as individuals respond to our work and, in doing so, allow us to to become part of their community.
This week,I was struck by how powerful the failure of a community can be on an individual. My most recent film project, (Yes, I’m a multi-tasker!) is a documentary about a teenage drug addict. I have built a relationship with my subject and she has let me into her life, her family and, I like to think, into her heart. We have an understanding and although, she relates to me through a lens, figuratively and literally, she trusts me. Recently, we met to shoot some footage. We spent a day together hanging out, talking about her life, her plans and how she was doing. She seemed okay.
The next night I received a call late in the evening. She was sobbing and explained she had been arrested for a robbery. She needed money for drugs and was desperate. She was sorry she let me down and was scared. When I hung up the phone all I could think about how was her community had let her down. She had been in trouble with the law before and had just been released from a facility – no follow-up, no counseling, just released. Her community let her down. When the “fruit” hit the fan, she called me, her filmmaker, her storyteller, not the people I might list on her bio.
I think this is a very striking example of what happens in the online community, we tell a quick story, we watch for a response, and we may even respond to a few comments. I’m working to let the people know in my community when they make “that call”, I’m on the other end of the phone – are you?
Kathryn aka northernchick
Wow…Kathryn, you have moved the standard way up the beach with this post. Addiction is a devious thing. I work with teens struggling to find firm footing to put there lives together after having lost themselves in addiction. And story, their story, the way they need to tell it, is such a crucial aspect to finding healthy minded-ness.
So much of my time has been focused on building a platform, that I can’t understate how you just gave me exactly at the right time, what I needed to hear.
Thank you.
I get that from you in just the handful of tweets and DM’s we’ve shared. You’re a magnet — people are drawn to your kindness, sensitivity and warmth, so I can totally understand why she reached out to you. It’s amazing how much we can learn about each other’s personalities, even from short 140 tweets. It’s a shame her immediate community let her down, but she’s fortunate to have you in her circle to rely on. 🙂
This is something I’ve contemplated (albeit in the back of my head) since I started collaborating with various people on various projects. In many cases I’ve found, where professional association led to trust, that suddenly there were personal implications too – ones I couldn’t walk away from and still keep trust.
Then again, I suspect that’s the case with any “group” – assumptions are made about writers, firefighters, teachers, teenagers… “outsiders” fail to see the human beings that make up the collective.
Assumptions release one from the responsibility of kindness; it’s as if people have mistaken kindness for relationship-building, and don’t even want to take the first step toward that kind of risk. Maybe the more of us are on the other end of that call, we can show there’s nothing to fear?
What a powerful and poignant post.
Many of us don’t recognize the power our community exerts upon us – it’s almost like air pressure – surrounding us and encompassing us to the point where we’re not even aware of it.
I remember when I was a child, one of my parent’s friends moved from our town because their son was in rehab. He had been addicted to drugs and the counselors had told the parents that if he were to remain sober, he could never return to their home- the “community”.
As I read this post – they’ve come to mind. As an adult, I’m able to recognize the “cost” of the commitment his parents made to changing his “community”. It was obviously the right thing to do because the last I heard, it has been twenty years and he’s still sober.
I mourn for the teenage drug addict who is the topic of your film. She obviously knew a phone call to her “community” would be wasted. Here’s to hoping you’ve given her a glimpse into what life is like in another “community”. Hopefully, knowing another way exists will be enough to spark her desire to achieve a truly different life.
I’ll say it again- a powerful and poignant post!
Kathryn,
Before anything else, I’d like to say that I think it is very brave of you to choose such a topic for your documentary.
As for the responsibility (or lack of) of the community, I see that in different countries. It is much easier to leave the weaker people, ignore their needs and make no effort to help them restore/maintain a dignified life.
In the same manner that drug addicts are not receiving any assistance in their struggle against their own addiction, so is the case with sex offenders, thiefs and others. There are no community programs that act as an incentive for these people.
Some of them rely on specific people (like in you story) but most, can’t even rely on that, or don’t see the point in it.
I do believe they are all reaching out their hands to us, as people, as a community and mainly as a society that is supposed to provide a civilized way of life to all its habitants.
I agree that there are many kinds of powerful “communities” out there that can support a person on a journey in many ways. However, it is truly up to that person to say “Enough. I am ready to do what it takes to change my situation. With or without any help. I will do whatever it takes”. I pray that your friend finds that strength and courage within her own internal community and that her external communities will be there to support her along the way.
Here’s another thought – this girl’s community failed her because their communities failed them, throughout their lives. You know? Whole communities giving up on other communities, whether one person at a time or dismissing them as a group, because they themselves were let down at one time or another.
I am a woman who was rescued by a several communities of folk; some I saw face to face. Some over the phone. Some through the 700 Club tv ministry. I was a heroin addict hopelessly on the brink of total self-destruction and one night there happened to be a program on tv that i watched with a man sharing his story of addiction and how he got out. Changed my eternal destiny and gave me the strongest desire to stop using and seek help. Found that help through a pastor & congregation of a local church across the street from the methodone center that I visited daily. Which also led me to 12-step recovery community which was upstairs in that same center. I sent 700 Club thank you note, and at about 9 months clean and sober they sent a film crew to do a reenactment of my story. I was so wobbly in recovery, but I had a community of people around me that I leaned on. I had a sponsor in the 12-step program that I talked over first what 700 Club wanted to do and asked her would it compromise my recovery. As that was my first priority, staying clean. The pressure, anxiety, wanting to do good, wanting to shine for Jesus, having to touch in my mind some of the old places, things, people and revisiting some of the horrible experiences like rape, overdoses, etc. which is all part of my story. But with help, guidance, and prayer, I did it. My story was on 700 Club and put into many languages. Then I was on the show and even met the man whose story I had seen that day of my despair. I’ve been clean and sober now for 23 years. With a community STILL I rise.
Richard, I’m learning that stories, and the telling of them are important on oh so many levels. Thanks for working with teens struggling with addiction – I find, their real stories can often go unheard.
Christa, Thanks for your words. Interesting idea that we may mistake kindness for relationship. I won’t lie, this relationship is a very challenging one for me. It’s not always easy to be on the other end of “that call”. I think it maybe though, if as you suggest, there were more of us.
Kathy, Thank you. It’s amazing isn’t it? The power of something we take for granted. It’s amazing too, that the reaction we may expect from our communities isn’t always the one we do receive. I mourn for her too – it’s been a rough week. Thanks again.
Yael, Oh I completely understand. I agree with you and always am reminding people things are never as them seem – there is always another side to every story. Society as community often ignores the plight of many that suffer. Human dignity is not a given right for all – we need to work on that. Thanks so much. Addiction is a mental illness – why punish those that are ill?
Christa – you’re other thought – I think you maybe right – so sad…….
I don’t presume to know what was going on in her head when she called you rather than others, but the universe reflects. It might be that she was so overcome with shame over what she’d done that she didn’t want to lay that on her family/friends who’d suffered through so much, having loved her from birth. It might be that she called you as you are telling her story, you are her confessional. She wanted someone to listen who wasn’t as deeply connected, perhaps. Keeping that wall up, not truly asking for help because she knows she won’t truly accept. Or, more cynically, where my mind sometimes goes, addicts can be selfish uncontrollably and you have a current vested interest in her that she can exploit. Just a thought. Not to take away from your compassion for her and her perceived aloneness.
Peace.
Rachel, Thank you 🙂 That means a lot, I’m glad you’re in my circle as well
Often we build people up, only to bring them down.
We tell people that we’ll be there for them, come hell or high water, and we often aren’t.
We say that everything’s going to be all right when we can’t guarantee it.
We make excuses to avoid the truth if it doesn’t fit into our own tunnel visioned view.
Communities are built upon trust, loyalty, compassion, understanding, tolerance.
Was this girl’s community one of the reasons she fell into despair to start with? What’s already broken is hard to fix.
Thankfully it just takes one extra person to build a community. You’re this girl’s community and thank God for being so.
Thanks for sharing such a moving and poignant story. I find it so basic, to reach out to a human being, but as a society, people become entrenched in their singular endeavors – “I’m too busy to help.” So untrue. It takes no time to acknowledge a person in need, even with gesture. I hope your post will give people pause and encourage them to extend that hand, nod or eye “hello”, or just whisper, “Hey, are you okay?” It’s so lacking, but so needed.
Kathryn,
Glad to hear that you are so much concerned about a person. I have seen many people who are not bothered about others. Many people in your situation would have just moved away and not bothered.
You are a nice human being.
Daniel brings up a good (if cynical) point. I’m dealing with this question with someone I think could grow to be a good friend indeed – our tastes and thoughts and feelings are remarkably congruent – but he is suffering badly right now, and it’s impossible to know whether some of the “drama” he’s pulled me into is a function of that, or of personality.
I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt right now because I’m at a point in my life where I feel strong enough to help… but only because, having spent too long trying to fix the unfixable, I feel able to set boundaries. And because I’ve pulled the same stunts, frankly, at darker times in my life. I know what it’s like not to get the benefit of the doubt, so… for now, I’m taking the risk. But limits have to be in place too.
Please, please tread carefully here Katherine. Empathy and compassion are wonderful and most of us could use booster shots of those two on a regular basis. But the addictive mind set more often than not rests on a profound sense of victimization. Empathy and compassion often lead us to seek responsibility for a relapse in factors that seem beyond the addict’s own mentality and actions, such as a “failure of community.” Doing so risks feeding the sense of victimization and thus perpetuating the problem.
Daniel has it right when he says, “Addicts can be selfish uncontrollably and you have a current vested interest in her that she can exploit.” Daniel calls his comment “cynical.” I don’t think it is at all, it is just the very sad fact of the matter.
Stanice – Thank you for sharing, having courage and being an inspiration to so many. I would be honored to call myself a member of your community.
Deb, How very true. When people ask how are you – do they really mean it? Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, or more importantly – when you ask – pay attention. Thank you.
I think the hardest part of this type of story is the part that Daniel and Dick have made. This is true in many types of situations besides addiction and it can lead to a caring community cutting someone off because they have given so much for nothing already.
The hard part is to be discerning enough to not allow yourself to be abused while you strive to help the other person. I still haven’t developed that skill yet. Even Jesus didn’t try to help those who didn’t want help but he was available for those who sought it.
Shalom
LoneWolf
Daniel – I don’t see it as cynical, you’re just thinking of all the “angles”. In this case – her family is not an option. For an addict to feel shame is a good thing as drugs are the addicts way to dull ALL feelings that hurt. I am aware of the exploitation factor – really hard not to empower. I’m walking a tightrope here….
Lisa – How very true. That’s what I wish for her as well, that when she is ready to accept on her internal level there is a strong community ready to accept her “out here”. Thank you. I get a feeling you really understand and I appreciate you sharing that.
Dick – Thank you. All true. It’s a very complicated situation and I am aware of it, always. I’m not releasing her from any sense of accountability on her part, I understand she needs to be accountable for her actions. I didn’t post the bail.
Danny, Thank you. I found this difficult – this post, thanks for your support.
“I didn’t post the bail.” That is the spirit — feel the compassion but don’t foot the bill.
Next to abuse, dependency rates as one of the worlds oldest and most difficult things in life to conquer. What we do or fail to do in our own communities to help may very well be the difference between life, death and how we carry that association with us for the rest of our lives.
This is a powerful message to those who have experienced things in their own lives as I have and the pain I feel as I felt powerless to stop it.
We all sometimes feel a sense of disassociation as a means of protcting ourselves from someone elses pain, it’s easier. The results of your commitments matter more than you may ever fully realise. Trust me I know of what I speak. Thank you for sharing this. Please forgive spelling, grammer and length my vision was blurred.
Robert – Thank you. It means a lot that you commented.
Thank you all for responding to this so openly. Thank you to Kathryn for linking to my blog, which has become my way of handling the situation.
There have been many times in my life with my sister where I have had to decide which road to take. What feels like the thing to do when you’re experiencing such emotion and turmoil, is usually, the wrong reaction in the long run for the addict we love and care about. It makes for a very hard road.
I think there comes a point for every family, and for every addict where a line has to be drawn, without it, the rest of the family will crumble, and then, where would the addict have to turn when they were in such a predicament? It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, distance myself, but I feel it’s also the most positive, because when my sister comes to me, looking for love, and help, I will not be full of loathing for all the bad things she’s done that have affected me. I will be able to help her as much as I can.
I agree communities fail people. I also see that many communities, such as my own, are not even near properly equipped to handle the drug crisis that effects so many young people today. Sometimes, the ones, like myself who love the addict, have no where to go for help, and it that way, they are also failed by their community.
Liz,I just wanted to thank you and your contributors for producing such top notch, insightful material. I send a out a little daily links list on my blog, and there have been very few days that I have not linked to something on here. Thanks
Addiction is a terrible disease, it is hard on the addict, it is hard on the people around her.
You, as the filmmaker were not there to judge her, you listened to her & valued what she wanted to say. I agree with Daniel, keep those boundaries up, steer her to AA, a 12 step program where she can find a safe “community” with people that can be there for her and has the experience to deal with her journey.
Don’t become another enabler and get sucked into her drama. Good luck, it is a very tough subject on so many levels.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Lonewolf – how very true, it’s something that you need to be aware of at all times – exhausting really. I understand why families distance themselves from addicts: self preservation. Thanks for commenting.
Saravanan – Thank you. I always try to help others, I think that’s what we’re here for 😉
LovelyK – I hope in some small way this can help you. Thanks for all your patience and understanding as I poke and prod into your life. It means a LOT that you commented here. You are truly brave. I’m here if you want to talk.
Reiko – Thanks for that – the role of the enabler is one that’s sooo easy to slip into. I appreciate your comment. Thanks and you are very welcome.
Your post highlights that online community can only go so far.
As Stanice show, real, live people in relationships are essential.
the online communities can offer a certain level of communication and support, but lack when someone is needed to be there in person.
Kathryn,
Thanks for putting your heart out there. In addition to the work I do as a photographer, my wife and I bought a farm which we are turning into a retreat center for people to live and work after they have been released from a program. There is very little support and no accountability for most people after treatment.
We are in the (slow) process of building cabins and a farm where meaningful work can be done. We’ve had three men live with us – one for four months in our home, two for three months each in a camper – while we tried to put the pieces in place to make this vision a reality.
As an earlier writer said, there is a lot of ‘victimization’ to deal with and it takes a lot of time to build trust and not make that individual feel as if they are just another project. Even though the balance is a delicate one and there are often more critical observations than encouragement, the work of showing compassion and care is a worthwhile endeavor. There is a tremendous need. We took our website down because we had far more calls than we could accommodate. The downturn in the economy has greatly slowed our efforts to build cabins and move forward. We are having to invest far more time to build and maintain our for-profit work. But we will continue our efforts.
I’m certainly willing to offer my shoulder for support. We understand the need for encouragement.
Kind regards,
Charles Gupton
On Twitter @ http://twitter.com/CharlesGupton
Blog: http://charlesgupton.wordpress.com
Sad about the young girl’s addiction. I hope she will find the strength to overcome.
As to story-telling, when I set about writing a song I have to take the exact same approach that I’m singing it to one person in the dark, perhaps even a four-year-old in the dark.
Kathryn,
“I understand why families distance themselves from addicts: self preservation.”
Yes. Also, most times when dealing with someone caught in an addiction, the best thing a family (or any community) can do is wait and pray.
One often unrecognized problem in these situations occurs when waiting and praying does not satisfy our own ego demands to “do something helpful.” Dealing with an addictive person can provide powerful lessons about reigning in our own ego.
Greg – Thanks for stopping by. I agree, personal is best – difficult, but best.
Charles – We need to encourage and support people like you for seeing that need and offering help. That’s amazing, really. Thank you for your offer of support and, you always have mine.
Dick – oh so true, so very, very true. Addicts know when they’re ready to accept help – the waiting for others is often the most frustrating and painful part. Thank you.
Kathryn,
frankly, I’m moved to read the story of the girl. I couldn’t kick smoking for so long despite best efforts. I know how difficult it is to kick drugs.
But, Imagining a personal tragedy -the loss of mom or dad or anyone close to our families makes the girl help to seek help, in the first place.
I personally very afraid to go near someone whom I know is a drug addict. I can’t imagine befriending him or her. I think it’s quite so brave of you and others.
I’m so happy to read so many people giving their opinion and sharing their concern for the girl.
I wish this community increases, and actively ssharess and educate me kinda people about addicts and ways to deal with them. It helps all of us to deal with them in case we find them in our neighbourhood and relatives. so that we don’t desert them like the community did.
Thanks for the post!
Regards
Solomon
Solomon – You’re welcome! I always think people are people – some have problems such as drug addiction, others – something different.
Thanks for commenting.