Times Are A’Changing
It seems a good time to write about change.
Everything in life changes. If weââ¬â¢re not changing, weââ¬â¢re dead.
But then, we knew that. Knowing how we respond to the changes that can happen is key to being a leader, more importantly to knowing who we are. . . . .
I was going on a business trip.
When I travel I have all things in order days ahead. Otherwise, a little nagging voice reminds me that Iââ¬â¢m likely to forget something that will cause me to miss my plane or get to the airport without my bags. This advance routine allows time to add in things that I forget on the first try.
I had everything arranged for a meeting. It was still two days before my flight. I got a note saying a good friend had decided to attend the same meeting. The staff assistant had changed my seat assignment so that my friend and I could sit together.
I froze. It didnââ¬â¢t feel good. I didnââ¬â¢t understand why I felt upset. I wanted to sit with my friend. The new seats were better.
Why was I ticked that no one asked? My answer was so obvious. She had done me a personal favor. I should be grateful. What was going on?
I took a walk around the building to find out. Halfway around I got the answer — structure damage. The new seat assignment had changed the picture in my head. It shook the foundation I had so carefully laid.
Everyone suffers from structure damage now and then.
Iââ¬â¢m a fairly laid-back person, but Iââ¬â¢ve got two places where Iââ¬â¢m not -ââ¬â when Iââ¬â¢m getting ready to travel and when Iââ¬â¢m conceptualizing a project. I try, but I don’t always see that I’m in high-structure mode when I am. At least, I can realize what rattled me when I give the wrong response so that I can explain and apologize. Luckily as I get older, I need less structure, because I’ve done a lot of things before.
Some people need more structure than others. What sorts of things mess with your structure? Do you know?
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Check out the Work with Liz!! page in the sidebar.
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Oddly enough, I feel out of sorts when I want to please someone! That is, I have planned out some event or series of events in order to make (as if you can “make” someone!) someone happy.
So let’s say you’re visiting me and I know you like chocolate so I have this plan to drive out to this fantastic store where you can see chocolates being made. I imagine the drive, perhaps a lunch spot, all that. Perhaps not in any actual detail but I imagine the good feeling *I* get in seeing how good *you* feel.
But you arrive and I mentioned the shop and you say, “I really feel like just hanging around here with you. Is that okay?”
Poof! No more happy fantasy-come-true! Having you hang around with me takes no special effort on my part, nothing that actively shows how much I care for you, want you to be happy.
It’s all my own ego – the desire to do something special for someone in order to feel special myself.
I used to get grumpy and feel like my wonderful idea (!!) was shot down but not so much anymore.
Overall, I like structure (agendas, having directions, a plan, order) but the older I get the more I want to be comfortable with less structure!
Hi Ms.Q!
Wow! That’s a structure I’m familiar with I see it in people I love. It’s hard to let them know that their ideas are so appreciated even when we don’t follow them through.
Isn’t it funny when we get those pictures in our head about how something will be? I’ve learned to tell myself that sometimes the fantasy is WAY better than the reality could have ever been. 🙂
It sure is nice to get to a place when we know our own foibles and can quit setting ourselves up like we so often do. . . . 🙂
I lose structure when the person heading up a project or task provides one direction and then, after much work has been completed, completely changes the direction. No warning. Just throw everything away and start over.
Of course, I lose a little more than structure, but then, this is a nice place…
Good article, Liz. A very unique perspective on how things affect a person without knowing it.
Hi Scot,
It is worth a look to see what rattles us. Isn’t it. Then at least once in a while we can catch ourselves to breathe before we’re totally lost.
It’s also nice to figure out when other folks get rattled too, because then we can help make their lives easier when the occasion occurs. 🙂
Thanks for reading. You always bring so much. 🙂
For me, it’s a visit from the Person from Porlock. Nothing more frustrating in the world.
Liz… Now I recognize that feeling. I’ve felt exactly the same way… hmmm “structure damage” that’s it!
Happens when I’m packing the car and someone puts something in the wrong place. Okay maybe I’m a little OCD. Happens when my wife asks me to get something just as I’m heading out the door.
Thanks… now I know what to call it and that I’m not crazy. At least I’m not the only crazy one.
Dave,
We’re not crazy; we’re ‘endearingly idiosyncratic’! 😉
Mike
Hi Mike!
What a wonderful way you have with words and descriptions. It’s why I so enjoy both you and your blog. 🙂
Hi Dave!
Some day I’ll tell the story of how I cam up with the term structure damage — what I riding across a bridge in a car in Florida with a very good friend. 🙂
endearingly idiosyncratic and sweetly overprotective
Using the terms “bridge” and “structure damage” in the same sentence can be problematic!
No worries, Mike. We drove really, really (32 reallys) slow and we turned off the CD player. 🙂
Whoa, Nellie!!!!!
No, Nellie was absent that day. 🙂
Did you hold your breath while you crossed the bridge? 🙂
I have a friend whose husband plans everything, down to how many suitcases can be packed. That would drive me crazy and my structure would not be the only one damaged.
Hi Carma!
No, I’m afraid we didn’t hold our breath — we couldn’t stop talking. 🙂
Isn’t it funny — strange funny — now we REALLY don’t like it when someone messes with out structure? Even when, their intentions may be of the highest form? Intelligent folks just can’t bear behavior we find ludicrous. 🙂
I’ve got a couple of friends that I simply can’t get together with recently for similar reasons. I am fairly structured, as I’d venture to say I’m less laid back than you.
These friends call to “go do something on Friday.” Friday comes and goes with no follow-up call to say what time to meet, and calls back to them go unanswered for some reason. “Hey, you called me, remember?” is all I can think at the time. I cleared my calendar (or kept it clear) for an activity that didn’t happen, and that really bugs me to my core.
It throws me off balance for the next day or two, for some unknown reason. Yes, I know what you’re talking about, Liz.
Hi Jesse,
As laid back as I might be, the situation you describe is inconsiderate and rude. They didn’t change things, they left you hanging. I’d start a plan with them the next time . . . I’d say, “So if I don’t hear from you with set play by Wednesday, I’ll figure all bets are off and make other plans to do something.”
Nice post
I like reading your article.
You are right about structure damage. There are times when I feel that there’s something wrong and mostly I can’t explain or identify the source. It’s like a decision based on our routines.
Hi Helen,
Welcome to the conversation!
Yep, i know that feeling — someone is messing with my structure. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to admit it when it’s happening, but no changing the fact that it’s real. 🙂