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You Have to Understand . . . No You Don't

November 27, 2007 by Liz Leave a Comment

Who Am I Talking to?

relationships button

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

I’ve been listening to when I say,
“You have to understand.”

I’ve been listening to when other people say that sentence too.

You have to understand. . . . No, you don’t.

towering reflection

Truth is, no one “has to” understand anything anyone says anytime anyplace at all.

Yet, even more amazing is that often when the sentence, “You have to understand,” is being said,
the listener does understand.

Often the listener understands
better than the speaker does.

I’ve been listening to when I say,
“You have to understand.”

Maybe the person I’m trying to convince is myself.

I fight the hardest to convince other folks what I need to believe most myself.

I wonder if I understand myself, will I quit telling other folks that they have to understand what I’m saying?

You have to understand. I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Well, no you don’t. No one does.
We don’t have to understand each other . . . but it works better when we do.

Maybe we start by listening to and understanding ourselves.

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz!!

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Filed Under: Motivation, Successful Blog Tagged With: bc, conversation, relationships, thought-leadership, understanding

Comments

  1. Karin H. says

    November 27, 2007 at 6:24 AM

    Hi Liz

    “You have to understand” versus “No, you have to explain better, so I do understand”

    Many of us – me included big time! – ‘forget’ the steps it took us to understand that same item/idea/task we’re trying to explain. So-called: job-jargon.

    During our blog-workshops me dear friend Lesley is fortunately always at hand to remind me of the tendency to ‘teach’ others wearing my ‘seven-miles boots’ 😉

    Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

    Reply
  2. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 6:27 AM

    Hi Karin!
    “Seven mile boots” is a great image for a disconnect that happens. We sure do like to endow others with information they don’t have any reason to be in possession of. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Karin H. says

    November 27, 2007 at 6:30 AM

    Yeap, so true.

    (Must have something to do with my size 9.5 ;-))

    Karin H.

    Reply
  4. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 6:32 AM

    Well, at least your feet stay on the floor. Mine often end up in my mouth. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Karin H. says

    November 27, 2007 at 6:36 AM

    LOL

    Karin H.

    Reply
  6. Zakman says

    November 27, 2007 at 7:32 AM

    Hi Liz,

    I’m not sure if I understand what you’re trying to say, but …. (oops, pardon the pun! 🙂 people do use the you-don’t-understand to gain unfair advantage.

    For instance, how about if I declare at the start of the conversation, “You will not understand.”

    Or, “You’re in denial.” That’s unadulterated hijacking! You don’t stand a chance to disagree, or even argue. And sometimes the listener has to ‘prove’ that he/she understood.

    A perfect state would be when two people ‘understand’ (not necessarily each other) in pin drop silence.

    Reply
  7. Kathy says

    November 27, 2007 at 7:56 AM

    Liz,

    I think you hit the nail squarely upon its head when you wrote, “Maybe the person I’m trying to convince is myself.”

    When I utter those fateful words, it usually means that I want what I want when I want it which is NOW! I don’t want to hear the voice of reason…. so it’s easier to toss the turd bomb of “You don’t understand…” the unspoken rest of the sentence is… “because if you did, you’d agree with me.”

    Those words are a signal that my mind is closed but my mouth isn’t.

    UGH! Liz, how dare you make me THINK!

    Reply
  8. Mike says

    November 27, 2007 at 8:48 AM

    Kathy,

    I love “a signal that my mind is closed but my mouth isn’t”! That’s exactly right, and we’re trying to convince ourselves that it’s okay to be that way, but deep down we know better.

    Mike

    Reply
  9. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 8:50 AM

    That’s a great point, Zakman.
    Some folks do use that sentence in that way. It does cut off conversation at the knees. Any attempt at getting to real understanding in that situation is met with a “See I told you so.”

    If we could just begin by we’re going start at the core where we agree. 🙂

    Reply
  10. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 8:52 AM

    Hi Kathy!

    “You don’t understand…” the unspoken rest of the sentence is… “because if you did, you’d agree with me.”

    My unspoken rest of the sentence “because I can’t even explain it to myself in a way that makes sense to me.”

    Reply
  11. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:01 AM

    Yeah, Mike,
    “deep down we know better.”

    but we’re trying to change what we know is the truth. 🙂

    Maybe what we don’t understand is why we can’t change that truth. 🙂

    Reply
  12. Mike says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:24 AM

    Liz,

    Yep. We want to change the truth, and we try by fashioning elaborate cloud cuckoo castles, er, “understandings” that try to eliminate the cognitive dissonance the truth is making in our brains, but trying to recreate those same artifacts in the brains of others doesn’t work nearly as well.

    Mike

    Reply
  13. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:28 AM

    Hi Mike,
    I just got this amazing image of me trying to put my hands inside your head to build a sand castle. 🙂

    Yep I guess that sure won’t work. 🙂

    Reply
  14. Mike says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:31 AM

    A saw dust castle maybe! LOL

    Reply
  15. Karin H. says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:31 AM

    ..we try by fashioning elaborate cloud cuckoo castles, er, “understandings” that try to eliminate the cognitive dissonance the truth is making in our brains, but trying to recreate those same artifacts in the brains of others doesn’t work nearly as well.

    Come again? 😉
    Sorry Mike, couldn’t resist

    Karin H.

    Reply
  16. Mike says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:35 AM

    Hi Karin,

    Take a look at this from William James. Our brains don’t like holding two conflicting opinions, so they go about fashioning “connections” and “filler” until the conflict is seemingly resolved. The challenge is that this collection of “stuff” is dependent upon the whole collection of opinions that was already there. When I try to convince you that my “stuff” is the truth, your brain (having a different set of existing opinions) activates the BS detector, thus elicting my “you don’t understand” response.

    How’s that?

    Mike

    Reply
  17. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:48 AM

    Whoa! Mike,
    It’s looking suspiciously like you might have been down this road before a time or two. 🙂

    Reply
  18. Karin H. says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:54 AM

    Hi Mike

    Kind of: who’s more stubborn then, not?

    Karin H.

    Reply
  19. Mike says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:54 AM

    Yes, and in the comments section of this blog, too, if I recall. 😉

    Reply
  20. Glenda Watson Hyatt says

    November 27, 2007 at 12:21 PM

    I’m with Karin. The part of that sentence that is missing is, “You don’t understand, so please let me try to explain it in terms you may understand.” It’s about putting the message into the receiver’s language rather than in the sender’s language.

    I’ve seen this so many times. If only the ‘sender’ would repackage the message, the ‘receiver’ may be more amenable.

    Reply
  21. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 1:52 PM

    Oh Mike!
    I’ve been found out!!! Curses!

    Reply
  22. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 1:53 PM

    I so agree, Glenda!
    Though, it seems that sometimes we could care less about the listener . . . the argument seems to be between the speaker and the speaker. 🙂

    Reply
  23. Glenda Watson Hyatt says

    November 27, 2007 at 2:54 PM

    If that is the case, Liz, why bother the listener? Why not talk to yourself? Or, if you’re looking for a sounding board, warn the listener.

    Reply
  24. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 5:05 PM

    Hi Glenda!
    I guess the point is that we don’t realize it at the time. 🙂

    Reply
  25. FV Gazi says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:27 PM

    And actually listen when someone else is talking
    fv g

    Reply
  26. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 27, 2007 at 9:41 PM

    Hi FV Gazi!
    Listening is something the world could use a whole lot more of. 🙂

    Reply
  27. William Tully says

    November 28, 2007 at 11:17 AM

    Ok, considering you have a key component of Toronto shown in this post, I feel that I have to represent and drop my $0.02CDN (currently worth more than $0.02USD too! heheheh)..

    I do believe that “You have to understand” has a place in the world we exist in. It’s used for those times where someone else has requested an opinion, some advice, or some other form of guidance – yet they’re not comprehending what it is they’re getting.

    I personally reserve that bit for when it is imperative that someone actually does understand this point, because if they don’t, all time spent previous will be a waste, and all time spent in the near future will also be a waste. It becomes a waste simply due to the fact that they will have an understanding based on falsehoods they believed to be true…

    “You have to understand that we are not able to do X until Y is complete.”

    Sure, they don’t HAVE TO understand that, but if they don’t what will the result be?

    The reality is that if you change the “You have to” to “Do you” does it not change the whole dynamic? 😉

    Reply
  28. ME Liz Strauss says

    November 28, 2007 at 11:21 AM

    Hi William!
    Logic requires that we understand certain premises to get to the next point of logic. I couldn’t agree more.

    Emotion on the other hand . . .

    grin

    Reply

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