Leave the Computer!
For those who come looking for a short, thoughtful read, a blogging life discussion, or a way to gradually ease back into the week. I offer this bloggy life question. . . .
A few months ago a blogger named, Evan, showed up on your radar. He’s a guy who went to your high school. You didn’t know him then. You figured that you know more about him — where he lives, what he looks like, who he used to hang out with — than you did when you met the blogger friends that you know now. So you befriended him.You’ve been showing Evan around, helping him with his HTML, introducing him to people. When he’s asked for help, you’ve been there. That’s what bloggers do.
Lately, though, your friends have started complaining about him. They say Evan’s been trying to use them to milk their networks. He keeps asking Your friends to introduce him. Your friends hardly know Evan and don’t want to recommend someone they don’t know.
You heard yesterday that Evan lobbied to have you not invited to a party given by good friend of yours — one you introduced him to.
It’s a touchy situation. The friend throwing the party doesn’t know that you you’ve heard. His girlfriend told you about Evan’s duplicity. BUT the girlfriend is possessive, doesn’t like Evan, and has made up stories about you.
How do you respond?
–ME “Liz” Strauss
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Quite the pickle…
I’d talk to your friend, then talk to Evan. One of my guiding principles is Communication – seek first to understand. That’s what I’d suggest
Were you invited to the party? Go. You know you can’t trust the girlfriend. And even if she’s telling the truth, your friend has shown how he feels by inviting you. I doubt that he knows what to do about Evan.
I can’t say I’ve ever been taken advantage of this way. But then, I’m not social enough to do someone like Evan any good.
Hi Benjamin!
Communication with the friend is a great place to start.
Hi Rick!
I think your response is noble and wise. That’s a clean and straightforward look at the situation. I so agree that the girlfriend can’t be trusted. I’d probably start to distance myself from Evan as well.
The situation with the girlfriend is akin to what you talked about in the story of the three questions the other day, Liz.
Your friend and his girlfriend are going to be having issues soon enough, if they aren’t all ready. I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of it. That’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t follow Benjamin’s thought. And as soon as you have three people talking about a fourth, little good ever comes of it.
Evan has definitely worn out his welcome.
Rick,
You have a great point there. Stand back and allow the couple to fix their own problems. Don’t be a part of Evan’s games.
1) First, Evan betrayed my trust. Whether I befriended him, whether I know him, I am responsible for who I choose to associate with. So the first step is to clearly communicate to Evan that I find he has not returned the respect I extended, and quietly drop any links to his work from our blog. The purpose of the communication is to be clear and honest. The purpose of removing links is to remove any implied recommendation to his work.
This needn’t be irrevocable. If Evan explains what happened, no one was hurt, and the story is believable or simply that Evan was ignorant and unaware of the courtesies he betrayed, decide at your own discretion to undo some of the separation. At the same time, I would use caution with any reference from my work to Evan’s, until such time as I came to believe he is no longer an annoyance or danger to others.
2) Second, gossip. I consider gossip one of the true social evils. For each person that complains to me about Evan, I should respond with an apology for their dismay. I should agree that his actions seem rude. And I should promise to be more careful to separate unworthy people from those that I promote in the future.
Any other rumblings, second hand reports, discussions, of Evan, etc. I will do my best to refuse to hear.
3) Third, the Party. I should disregard the gossip, innuendos, and bickering. If I get an invite I should go, and refer to Evan as if he were an ex-date: It didn’t work out. The details done bear discussion.
If I don’t get an invite, it is like any other party I don’t get invited to. I should do my best to only acknowledge what I learn in direct communications, and disregard gossip. If someone asks later, “I wasn’t invited.”
4) Fourth, not the first. Evan cannot be the first person online that you have encountered, that you need to deal with cautiously. That you have to maintain a certain degree of defensiveness and reserve against that person. As long as Evan acts like a troll, stirring up trouble, he will see little return for his efforts, neither social turmoil nor blog success. After he shows signs of improvement to ‘courteous’ be ready to coach him to mend his ways. Until then, speak no evil, and treat him like any other troll (silent treatment, to prevent ‘feeding’ the troll with feedback).
Apparently Evan is a reminder that I have a responsibility about who I promote.
Hi Brad!
Your response to Evan is true and strong. I like the way that you think. It’s clean and clear. You make a good point that I don’t want to be be recommending someone who might be of dubious character, but also that I don’t want to be noisy or similar about how I want to do that. A quiet response is actually one of compassion. Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Goodness, Liz – where do you come up with this stuff:) My, what a tangled web we weave.
I have to agree that communication is the key – but what communication is the problem.
Forget the girlfriend – she’s a non issue to you and probably soon to be a non issue with your friend. However, it has been my experience that situation, if it must be dealt with, should be done head on (i.e. “Really? I hadn’t heard that. The three of us can discuss it at the party and get this all cleared up.) It either diffuses the situation by calling out the lie, forces a confession, or turns into a huge drama fest – you can decide if it is worth the risk.
It also seems to me that folks like Evan disappear soon enough. Don’t feel comfortable referring him – then don’t. Tired of him asking you – tell him. Tired of your friends complaining – apologize for the introduction and tell them to follow the two previous mentioned suggestions. We are all grown ups.
Folks like Evan typically find enough of their own rope without you have to provide them with any.
Liz – you are a great story teller (for your sake, I hope it’s a story – ack!) You make my brain work 🙂
Hi April,
I know. I know. I should be writing soap operas. 🙂
A dramafest . . . yep, it could be one already. Great point that we’re all grownups who should speak truthfully and authentically to each other. Well, maybe if we do so to Evan, he will disappear, and if we do to our friends, they will stay our friends. 🙂
Yes, it is indeed a story. I couldn’t leave one of these . . . I keep imagining if that happened a quote that said, “And that, your honor, is why I killed him.” 🙂 🙂 🙂
“if we do so to Evan, he will disappear”
Liz, is the best we can hope for, is for Evan to go away? I was thinking to quietly demonstrate ‘best’ behavior; he might catch on. If he asks he might be ready to hear that there is a better way. In either case, there is a chance, and a path, for his improvement.
I only saw it happen once. It took years, and wasn’t a perfect rehabilitation. But as Judy Tenuda says, “It could happen!”
Hi Brad,
You’re right. We can hope, can’t we. I guess when I wrote that I might have had someone incorrigible in my head. I usually don’t give up on real people. Thanks for reminding me of that. What a lovely turn that is. 🙂
Yeah, it sure could happen, couldn’t it? 🙂