I Heard Them Laughing
I was 13. What an awful age, but one for learning human dynamics.
A bunch of clueless moms had arranged something, a sleepover of about 8 girls. Who knows why they thought this group belonged together? We were mismatched in maturity, in intelligence, in interests, and most importantly in that sacred cow of 13-year-oldness … popularity. I dreaded going.
Additional humiliation. We all had to wear granny gowns.
Everything went in the awkward and tensely exciting way things do when you’re 13. I was mostly listening. Mostly everyone was mostly nice to mostly everyone. We ate. We talked. We listened to music.
I was the first in the group to use the facilities up the stairs. The group didn’t realize that a heating vent connected the party room to the bath room. That vent also served as a back channel intercom.
I heard them talk and laugh. They were talking “cool talk” about how cool they were and how cool I was not. Peer pressure and insecurity drives that sort of stuff. When you’re 13, finding who’s the coolest is the coolest thing of all.
Back downstairs, I didn’t let on. Other girls left the room. Other girls heard things. I saw it on their faces.
Before I went to sleep I vowed a 13-year-old’s vow that I’d never be a smiler who talked mean on a “back channel intercom.”
Air and Empty Shoes
Now, I send you a tweet. I write a comment on your blog. You answer.
I can’t see you. You can’t see me. That can be a scary feeling.
I have to use what you give me to decipher whether you mean what you say. Who knows? You could be laughing behind the screen. You could be back channeling messages. You could contradict what you tell me when you’re with cooler kids than I am.
But then offline life is like that too. . . .
Trust doesn’t happen spontaneously. We can’t engineer a community by inviting 8 pseudo friends to the same party or dressing in the same clothes. And as a species, it’s our nature to have all too many back channel intercoms.
I can’t see you. You can’t see me.
If we’re invisible, so are the things we stand for.
Can’t build much that lasts on air and empty shoes.
But we can let ourselves and our values shine through.
Integrity, consistency, and trustworthiness show up equally as whole and as frequently as we do.
Community grows from what we see, what we are, what we imagine together.
And the more we show up, the more we find in each other.
How do you trust people you can’t see?
People ask me that all the time. Now I’m asking you.
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz!!
Liz, great post.
This happened to me when I was first on Twitter about a month ago. I found I was get a lot of positive responses from some people who seemed very “popular” and to have intelligent but fairly sarcastic blogs.
Over time and IM’s I finally decided that they were sincere. If not, they were investing a huge amount of time in fooling me 🙂
Best,
A.J.
What is even scarier is you also can trust some people you can see. Thinking along the lines of most politicians and news medit.
I even have a brother like that but at least I know I can’t trust him.
What it all comes down to is outright lying and now adays that is considered a virture. How well you lie marks you as a professional.
We used to call those who said one thing to our face and then said the complete opposite behind our backs as back stabbers. Never used that phrase much anymore do we.
Dan
Correction: What is even scarier is you also CAN’T trust some people you can see.
Hi Liz,
I am always reading but not commenting. Today I like to invite you and your readers to the One World One Heart Giveaway – offering a free giclee print of my work! I hope you stop by!
Enzie
Friends and family who aren’t into social media/networking have asked me how I can put myself out there since I “don’t know these people.” I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck but I have to go into the online world assuming that most folks are coming from the same place I am — one of honesty and authenticity.
I’m sure I’ll be fooled along the way, but life is too short to be wary and cynical about everything. Just like in real life, I can’t worry about what others think or say about me (unless it’s for my own good and meant in a positive giving way), I am who I am. As long as I’m respectful, conscientious, honest, authentic, and helpful, I imagine that I’ll get the same back from others.
The best way to trust what we can’t see is to see what we can about consistency of behavior. If someone is consistent, then chances are that’s who they really are. If that matches with what I want/need, then I can trust it. If I don’t see consistency, then I can’t trust.
Leap of faith comes to mind. Give trust first, ‘cos that’s where the most interesting relationships can develop. Not when there is a barrier of “can I/can’t I” trust this ‘contact’ (be in online or offline).
Scary? Sometimes. Most times these new contacts are kind of introduced by others we’ve come to trust.
Interesting, exiting? You bet! You might even learn something new 😉
Karin H (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)
To address the insecurities that well up when making our way with these tools, I do something akin to you idea about the tri-dimensional audience. I really get your sense of writing to and for our future selves. To that end, with each creative act I like to think of playing to both a horizontal audience, those present, and a vertical audience, those not. I include in the vertical plane, not only my future self, but a host of archetypal realities I engage through my dreams and imaginal work. Now some of the archetypal figures are vicious as well, so this is not an escape tactic.
I also think its important to always recognize and speak to the audience we will never see and hear from.To that end, I like to imagine who they are, what they are like, and what their needs might be.
Melville succeeded beautifully delivering me the read of my life. Perhaps it’s trust in correspondences, that interest itself has the power to connect the right words to the right eyes.
Each day I meet new folks through their allied interests. It has a life of it’s own, so I try to let it run its course.
You know, I was thinking along these lines last night when I read Chris Brogan’s post about being realistic about time, especially when he mentioned getting anxious emails when there was no response to a DM the night before.
My thinking is: they’re not stamping their feet and tapping their watches, muttering timeismoneytimeismoney… they’re concerned that you’re “mad” at them — for how you phrased your question, for saying Hey Chris instead of Dear Chris, for whatever, making some sort of unmeant social gaffe that means you’re purposefully giving them the cold shoulder.
It’s hard to imagine that the lag in response time is because of other, unrelated things, like work, life, or family. There’s a lot of insecurity in these initial contacts we make online, a lot of projection about “what is he thinking of junior high.
Some of that can be fixed by going out and meeting more of your twitter/bloggy friends in RL. And some of it just takes time and confidence, just like when we were 13.
Maybe I should have posted this on Chris’s blog, but it was your post that made me realize what I was thinking. 🙂
Recognizing the right audience actually increase the quality of our contents.Keeping in mind that who will read this , and how the psot will benefit will result in a meaningful and quality articles.
I usually just worry about being trustworthy myself. I assume others are trustworthy until they prove that they are not. If someone breaks my trust, I try to look at myself to see where I might be doing the same thing to someone-that way I learn from every person I meet.
As far as trusting people I can’t see goes, I don’t know if I’ve ever really “seen” another person, whether I’ve met them or not. We all live in our own worlds and I can only project what yours must be like.
I have no idea really if the people in my life online or offline are truly trustworthy, but it feels better for me to be trusting. I’ve also found that being trustworthy attracts others who are similar.
I assume that I can trust people, online or off. Most of the time that works. Beyond an attitude of trust I start with little specific tasks or secrets and then move on from there. I’m not the most political person and someday somebody is going to do something sneaky. But I refuse to put my life on hold waiting for it to happen.
I take the advice of Ronald Reagan to heart: “Trust, but verify.” If it worked with the Russians, it’s good enough for me.
Liz, I swear my granny dress was uglier than yours, too. But it was Jessica McClintock, so that had to count for something, right? 🙂
Todd and Beth – I’m with you.
I assume I can trust anyone until they give me reason not to – my view online is much like your presentation at WCLV, Liz:
What I put out there and write is for not only my community, but for my future self to come back and read someday. By sticking with my core values in an online and offline world, I am able (we all are) to build a community with like-minded individuals.
I would find it rather hard to believe that anyone in this day and age of transparency, could be back-stabbing, deceitful and sleazy. This world is now so quick to pull people to the carpet and be shown for what or who they are and if their product or service is poor.
Which of course, is one of the best things about Social Media. Brands have to be transparent and if not, they are being forced to. The ball is now back in the consumers court, which I find fascinating.
I think thats the beauty of online relationships. You cant see people and you have to worry a lot less. You can relax a bit more because you know they cant see you. And when you relax and be comfortable, You can truly be yourself. And that’s what builds trust.
I trust you because, I like your writing, and your thoughts validate my ideas. That’s all I need. It’s a lot easier to trust people online, Coz i cant see you making faces at this comment. But I ll always see your smile when you put in Kind words as a reply. Trust is still a lot to do with emotions and less with facts.
And about the facts ‘Trust but validate’ is still the best policy.
I could utterly feel my thirteen-ness through thos blog post.Uncomfortable as all heck and ever so insightful. You made a great decision then about who you want to be. Every time I try to be like someone else I lose my authenticity. While being trusting and caring sometimes has folks walk all over me, I’d take that any day to not being me…It’s so much better in the end being who you are
Nothing hurts like whispers through a backdoor intercom. Ouch.
Share. check. share. Is what I learned. And owning trust ourselves. That goes along way to finding it in others.
Liz,
Oh, I’m with Karin and Todd 100% on this. Give trust first. I’m like that in life too.
Sure, sometimes I get burned (oh, yes!), but people online are people. Same as people offline. Giving trust first, stretching out my hand, is the only way I know to show my sincerity.
People who are trustworthy trust easily, in my experience. It just doesn’t occur to them to do otherwise.
Regards,
Kelly
This is why blogs are so superior to “other” forms of websites… because the first time I came here – I didn’t trust you! How could I? I didn’t KNOW you. However, I read your words – here – on Twitter – and the more I read – the more I get to “know” you and as a result “TRUST” you.
Of course, we’re communicating at a reduced frequency since I can’t see your face and you can’t see mine and they say that body language communicates 90% of our meaning. But in a way, I think not seeing your face as you communicate may actually serve to “heighten” my perception of you.
I saw an example of this today I was alerted to a blog that “scraped” one of my posts. When I went to the blog, I noticed the comments on the blog were along the lines of “I notice you’ve adopted a new writing style. I like it. Keep it up.”
So it appears that I’m not the only one who has this heightened sense of perception when it comes to “reading” a blog. Maybe this is like a blind person who uses his/her other senses to make up for not being able to “see” through other senses. Maybe reading the personal communications via the written word on blogs day after day heightens other senses and makes us unusually sensitive to cadence and sentence structure.
Aw, that was so sad about the sleepover. 🙁 I remember going through that same thing. And I was the one who was different. I was the one they talked about, made fun of, pushed around. I’ve always tried to do right the opposite of what they did to me and make other people feel good about themselves because I know how it feels when folks make ya feel bad about yourself.
How do I trust people online? Listen to my gut, I guess. Of course, everyone gets fooled sometimes but for the most part I’ve had positive experiences and I believe in the people I communicate with online.
One thing I’ve noticed is that even though the person on the other end of my computer screen probably lives completely opposite of me, and will never have the same values or morals as me, they’re a good person. 🙂
*smiles*
Michele
I decided to sit back a while and trust where this went … amazing conversation, thank you all for such trust-worthy thoughts.
AJ, when I first came online I was in a different neighborhood. Folks just talked about things. I got surprised when I got over here by the “business” blogs, where tech was important and I knew less than nothing. I had trouble trusting myself then. I was lucky though because the world was smaller and folks looked out for me.
Dan,
I know. A offline friend took a false name and started commenting on my blog as if she were a stranger — once even commenting while she emailed me at the same time. I began to recognize her in the tone and style of what she said. The betrayal was far greater than any I’ve known.
Deirdre,
I get fooled often, but only in small ways now. I see the signs in the spaces between the words. I invest differently. Still, like you, I choose a world that has a positive glow to it.
Phil,
You are a model of how to instill trust. Right there, always Phil. Thinking with your head and heart wired together.
Karin,
I’m sort of like that in the way that I often think what’s the risk of trusting this situation? So often the chance of loss is really tiny and the win can be outstanding. 🙂
I have been thinking this through a great deal more since I got on Twitter (finally!) I just don’t follow everyone who signs up to follow me – I check them out several times before I decide.
I appreciate those who comment on my blog and I find myself hoping they will read what I replied and keep a dialog going – the conversation.
Time helps me decide, but then my goal is to inspire folks to be their best. So far my spam box keeps a good record for me
Maybe being sincere or honest is not part of someone’s idea of what their best life is? I must honor that too. Time is a good teacher.
Good question, Liz. I got a fortune cookie that said, “You believe in the goodness of people” which I now have taped to my bathroom mirror. I’d say that’s a pretty accurate description of me and my approach to life. I believe that we attract “like” people… you know, “you get what you give” right? One of my TOP 10 priorities for 2009 is to live with an open heart. And that means trusting.
Since I have been using the internet to meet people for 9 years now, this question seems really tired.
Before internet interaction was socially acceptable, I had to defend it; a lot.
Basically it comes down to this:
With internet interactions, we judge each other’s character first. With external interactions, we judge each other’s appearance first.
And then the opposite for each is judged second. We are going to find out everything about the other person eventually anyway, it really doesn’t matter what order you do it.
Seeing a person in “real-life” doesn’t make them any more trustworthy…
Great discussion, Liz.
What strikes people as trustworthy to me is definitely the community that they’ve surrounded themselves around. A person may bring in value but seeing familiar faces that openly trust the person gives me more of a reassurance and higher comfort level when it comes to trusting them.
Richard,
Your other-centeredness is almost boundless. To consider so many points of view is the value you bring to all of us. Please keep sharing it.
Beth,
Thank you for leaving that comment here. I just might write about that tomorrow. I’ve seen that same thing in so many forms.
David,
It does seem that finding the like-minded among us makes it easier to trust and share what we think.
Todd,
I think you’ve mastered a secret — be the kind of person you want around you. We tend to frustrate those who don’t think as we do. 🙂
Betsy,
Thanks for reminding us of that wonderful Reagan quote, and face all granny gowns were ugly. That was part of their cache — Jessica McClintock that was beautiful ugly though. 🙂
trust is an issue for folks who interact face-to-face; I too can relate to the “vicious” childhood dynamics, as I was more of an “off-beat” type of folk, the popularity group was not something I aspired to be part of because I saw it as being fake and short-lived at times; I trust others after careful consideration, and have to admit my suprise at how I’ve been taken in by Twitter- here, you can’t read others’ eyes and facial expressions as they say things-I rely on others’ recommendations and my own gut intuition of what is written-I guess hope for others’ sincerity outweighs the concern things may not be as they seem
Beth R.
As I get older I really think most politics can be won by being consistent and always taking care with how you make other folks feel. Seems like you and Todd agree. 🙂
Hi Christian,
Sometimes we just misunderstand each other and vent. Sometimes we want to show off. Some people still have a way of needing to make themselves feel big by putting other folks down. I don’t think we’ll ever get away from that. The best defense we have is to be trustworthy. Like you’re all saying.
Ujjwal,
I think we learn how to read the insincerity in the spaces between the words. I’m starting to figure out whose words don’t seem to resonate in the right ways. Yours are genuine sound to me.
Karen,
Yeah, such a hard lesson to learn … that we’re no good at being someone else. And such a freedom when we finally learn it. The cool part is that people sense and trust us more when we trust ourselves. Don’t you think so?
Oh, I remember those gowns! And those girls…
Today, though, what came to mind was just what you said in the comment above mine. The people who trust *us*.
To me, it is staggering.
Almost every time I type something online, I stop and think about how many people will potentially read it. Including my mom, and maybe the person I *don’t* want to read it. There’s a lot of things I don’t type and a lot of things I rephrase.
So, people have placed their trust in me based on how I am perceived online. Given that I could potentially take down a whole section of the Internet 😉 and destroy people’s livelihood, that’s *HUGE*. It’s a huge responsibility.
Now I just try and remember to earn that trust with each new person. And to be nice.
(Today a client gave me a referral and called me “super nice” which pleased me more than “professional”. 😀 )
Janice,
Thank you for the “ouch.” But it was an early lesson that made growing up easier. 🙂
I’m like you guys, Kelly. Someone’s gotta trust first. Might as well be me. All the waiting takes too much energy. 🙂
Kathy,
I do respect that you waited to decide. I know that those bonds stay forged. I also agree that we’re learning how to “read” the signs in this new culture.
Michele,
I can’t imagine that anyone doesn’t have a version of that story. We’ve all been “different” at some time. Thank you connecting your story to mine, now we’re linked.
Great point that we usually find what we’re looking for. 🙂
Well said, Patricia, I agree.
People have so many complicated reasons for how they act. We often don’t understand what drives them. I try not think about it at all. It works out better for me that way too.
Thanks, Leslie.
We needed the words to tell them.
Those are perfect. 🙂
Ria!
That is such a noble goal. Let me know if you feel it falter. I’ll be here.
Sonny,
That’s a great sign. I’m going to keep that and pass it on as often as I can.
Hi Holly,
Yeah, I was different enough that I just didn’t “get” the other kids. What’s nice here is that many folks are learning social skils over again.
Hi Andrea!
So great to see you here.
I’ve been thinking about that word, nice lately. I think we’re giving it a new respect these days. We do rely on each other. Those of us who know and honor that understand the importance of trust.
For me the question is first what am I trusting them with/for? I am not saying anything I would not want shared so what’s the real risk? Could someone hurt my feelings? Sure. And the more authentic we are, as Liz was in this post, perhaps the more that is a risk. But I say it is a risk worth taking. I appreciate and respect every single person I have met out here for their willingness to just put themselves out there because I actually believe it can make the world a better place.
Am I trusting people to be kind, respectful and supportive in how they interact with me? Yes. I assume people will do that and so far that has been my experience. When someone is not those things I have choices to make. I have already un-followed people because for me their comments were either inappropriate or offensive.
Now would I invite them to my home or ask them to work with one of my clients for example? There are some people I have met virtually that I can already see those as possibilities, but before going there I would have to learn a lot more about them.
Where people do earn my trust online is in their intent – are they committed to contributing in some way or are they just interested in selling something or getting others to promote them. For that I just have to observe what they do and what they say to get my answer. Consistency as Phil Gerbyshak pointed out is key.
Thanks for putting this out there Liz!
When I met my husband on-line 10 years ago, people couldn’t believe that we could sense each other so clearly and correctly in this medium. But we’ve always gone with our guts and it’s no different with social media. If you pay close attention, you “feel” the same things you do in person. The questions come in when you start thinking, based on the popularity of someone, that you “should” feel a certain way.
Great post, Liz, and wise perception for a 13 year old! (Those granny gowns were always warm, though. 😉
Oh, Liz–how you bring the delicate nuances of human relationships to life. I’ve experienced more than my fair share of this dual-channeling lately (sadly, another incident than what incited your joint post). Even as an adult, mixed messages and dishonesty hurts. But I believe we can be frank without inflicting pain–if we open ourselves up to considering the perspectives of others. It’s hard to do, b/c it makes us vulnerable, too, and we might find we’re not really right after all. But hey, there’s lessons learned in that. 🙂
A mentor of mine once said “You will never achieve success if you ensure against failure.” The message was obvious: One must risk if one is to advance. And to risk means, more often than not, to trust. Trusting your own instincts, but placing trust in others on the journey.
My own experience has told me the good people (read: honest ones) outweigh the bad ones by an overwhelming margin. I’d rather put my trust – my faith – in people first and let them prove that trust wrong rather than go through life with skepticism and cynicism as my guideposts.
Great piece, Liz.
Stay warm,
Christopher
Hi Susan!
Thank you for taking the time to so fully explain that. I enjoyed reading your comment. Relaxing from thought to thought. I very much like how clearly and kindly you think.
Hi Sunny,
Great to see you!
Ah, it doesn’t surprise me that you would know. You reach through the air so easily to pick up information and you’re an integrity magnet. Isn’t funny how people close to us can think they know us in that way and miss completely?
Heather,
I so understand. All I need is truthful information … I can deal with that, but it’s so confusing to find folks are disembling and being disingenuous. Why not just let me know? I with you on that. I don’t need everyone to like me, but I don’t need folks to pretend either.
Christopher,
My experience aligns with yours and I’m going with it. As you do. Thank you for a beautiful comment.
lol.We all had to wear granny gowns.
Liz, what an interesting question and thought provoking set of responses.
Like others I think consistency is key – consistent over time but also consistent alignment of words/ actions/ values.
I tend to assume most people are decent and genuine. Of course there are lots of people selling you things but that’s just the same the world over. It’s fairly easy to spot them and weed them out of your feeds / streams.
Pretending to be one thing and saying / doing another would be harder to stomach, esp if from someone you thought was a friend… but again, that’s something we need to learn to live with offline too.
Hi tarot readers, yeah it was sort of a requirement.
Hi Joanna,
Thanks for this consistent alignment of words/ actions/ values It’s good to have all three set here together. I think the reason that consistency is such a “tell” is because it’s so difficult to fake values over long periods of time without actually feeling them.
You can trust what you HEAR. And “Trust, but verify” sounds good to me.
Unless, of course, you’re 13. Then you can’t really afford to trust anybody… (grin)
Oooh, great post. In the few weeks I’ve used twitter, I’ve had nightmares about being in danger. I hadn’t put the 2 together, but now thinking about it, wading into this world of conversation with “strangers” feels very vulnerable. Good insight. Thanks!
Liz, what a rich, thought-provoking discussion. I align most closely to Ria’s “believing in the goodness of people.” Sometimes I find out the hard way that I’ve placed my trust badly, but the positive experiences far outweigh the bad. And I believe in karma, so I just try to move on.
BTW, I had that dress pattern! And a dress just like the one on the cover. I also had a similar experience. I don’t remember that I had as an adult response as you. So much angst at 13.
Liz, “How can I trust people I can’t see?” I can’t but I also can’t trust people that I do see but I can trust in something bigger than our simple humanity. I can trust in a power that allows me to risk “trusting” what is modeled, and trusting my own barometer. I can trust that given enough time everyone will disappoint (including me) and boldly continue to develop human relationships in spite of it. Credentials, names, facts, personas can all be faked on and offline. I can spend all my time trying to figure it out or I can simply allow you to show me that what say is true.
Hi Deb,
My dad used to say believe only 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear. hmmm 🙂
Hi Annie,
All of had the same dresses from that pattern. I don’t what the thing was. I was no fashion maven at the time … or now. 🙂
I watched and thought about things that happened that seemed strange or wrong and tried to make sense of them.
Hi Karen,
I think I use the same sort of method, trusting my barometer and looking for consistency. I keep my eyes open for signals of social proof. I also depend on introductions from my friends who know people too. 🙂