In case you missed this … I wrote this about a year ago, yet it seems just as valid now.
Not All Apologies Are Equal
In relationships, things go wrong. Person to person or in business, mistakes and missteps can be life changing. A wrongly placed word or deed can bring in question what had gone without thought. Suddenly trust, integrity, honesty, sensitivity, authenticity and the core values that connect us are tested.
Mistakes. No human enterprise or individual gets by without making them. We might not mean them. No harm might have been intended. Yet, we’re not harmless — we can cause hurt or damage by the way we behave. How we respond when we do, is what makes a leader.
In a business relationship recently, my property was mishandled. When I asked about it — when and how it happened — the representative said something like this …
I hear you. We’re sorry it happened. We’re looking into it, but I doubt we’ll ever know the exact sequence of events. Can we move forward now?
Not all apologies are equal. I’m not the only one who wouldn’t call that an apology.
An apology that deflects attention, that says “I regret it happened,” is not an apology.
An “I’m sorry” that doesn’t own the damage done won’t rebuild trust.
An incomplete apology is a missed opportunity to build a stronger relationship by learning from what went wrong.
Apologies that Rebuild Trust, Relationships, and Reputations
Mistakes. No human enterprise or individual gets by without making them. We might not mean them. No harm might have ever been intended. The fact remains, we’re not harmless — we can cause hurt or damage by the way we behave. How we respond when we do, is what makes a leader.
Meet a mistake with trust, the mind of a learner, and a truly other-centered apology and a newer, stronger relationship can be the result. To offer a relationship-building apology, we have to show up whole and human — with our head, heart, and purpose reaching out to fix the bonds that we’ve broken.
No person has lived a life without once behaving badly. Apologies can connect us on that point. A relationship-building apology includes many parts and a whole human behind them.
- a statement of regret …
I’m sorry. - ownership of the act and responsibility for the outcome …
I behaved badly … It was may fault this happened. - acknowledgment of hurt or damage …
It made you feel small … It broke your — … It lost you business. - a promise for better behavior in the future …
It won’t happen again. - a request or or statement of hope for forgiveness or renewed trust …
I hope you can believe in me.
Apologies are about admitting human error. If you worry about saying the wrong thing, write it down and offer a choice the other person a chance to read it or listen while you do. The point is to be human and mean what we say.
Keep the apology simple. Don’t use an apology to move other issues forward. Save other conversations for other days.
Never lose the opportunity to apologize.
Never take that opportunity away from someone.
Which Social Media Apologies Rebuild Trust?
In the online world, every mistake has a potential for magnification. Every word has millions of opportunities to be misread. The ability to apologize with grace and respect can build respect, relationships, and reputation. In a trust economy, the apology is a powerful form of communication. Simply said and complete, a sincere apology shows respect, inspires confidence, and makes a great step toward rebuilding the trust to move forward.
Here are five well known social media apologies …
Dell’s 23 Confessions
A Commitment On Edelman and Wal-Mart
JetBlue Launches Cross-Media Apology Campaign
Turner Broadcasting Apology Letter
Motrin
In your opinion, which social media apologies rebuild trust with the community?
–ME “Liz” Strauss
Work with Liz!!
Hi Liz,
It sure is a great thing being able to give apologies to people…
Just think how it feels when somebody does it to you.
Great post!
Regards,
Claus D Jensen
I think taking ownership of the mistake is paramount, especially when it comes to large companies. And perception is EVERYTHING. And people don’t want excuses. Taking ownership and an explanation of how they will work to prevent it in the future. And if someone was wronged, an attempt to make it right is good too.
Hi Liz
Think the word I’m looking for is sincerity. We shouldn’t make apologising an Art or Science or a combination of both – ever received a sincere apology from a child, no art of science there, just sincerity.
Same applies for businesses, large or small, no matter which social media tool used.
Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)
None of those examples that you link to would make one once of difference to me on matters of trust.
Companies, groups, are generally several points lower in their collective IQ, including their emotional IQ, than any individual member and as such are completely untrustworthy. A business needs profit to survive and that will always be the bottom line. Everything else is a luxury. Always have a backup, or acknowledge the risk and take it on the nose. Company apologies are by definition, insincere. They are manufactured by people who must sanitise them so the board is happy with the wording and the lawyer is sure the possibility of legal action is suitably reduced, at least to a point he can defend. People are bastards in that respect, but only because there are an equal amount of people who are unaware of their capability to be bastards and who would find out just how much of a bastard they could be, on someone else’s tab, if only they could stop being so blissfully unaware of themselves. How can any company give a sincere apology in such an environment? It’s asking the impossible.
The quoted apology you say is not an apology would be acceptable to me as a statement of how things stand. It’s something to work with. For me, apologies are for lovers, good friends, close confidants.
I’ll make a guess here and say the apology you highlight was given by a man or someone who chooses to place emotional issues in second place to the practicalities of business life. I say that not because all men are pigs 😉 , but because I recognise giving a similar response, once, a long time ago. In my defence I haven’t had the need to say such a thing since. In fact mine was worse.
Also it seems to be given by someone who is in a position where they cannot act as they might in their private life.
(Possibly… since there is no background to this situation and we cannot see their body language or hear their tone of voice. It’s possible too that they’re incompetent and know what they can get away with. But let’s make believe it was just a bad mistake to keep things optimistic 😉 )
The alleged apology acknowledges that something went wrong, that things going wrong isn’t desirable, that it’s unlikely things will change and puts the option back to you to decide what to do next. It’s based in realities. Sure, it’s not a heartfelt plea for forgiveness, but sometimes in the impersonal world of business things get seriously impersonal. As the Godfather would say, it’s not personal, it’s just business. If this apology was given by a man, it may be possible he knows the trouble that’s been caused to you personally but since he lacks the skill to unravel the mess, he must simply move on. No other choice. He may no more have had a choice than you had a choice to react the way you did.
Yes I know business should be this and that and I’d like it too if that were the case and yes we must try to manifest what we dream, but it is still a case of the dreaded should: Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Only you know the answers to these questions .
So the person hearing that apology now has a couple of options and if emotional responses are something that is important to them in their business life, they can either go the whole hog and respond like this:
“Seth, that is not an apology that is a statement of regret.
The supposed apologizer has not admitted doing wrong and has implied that the fault lies with the one who feels mistreated. In point of fact, this might even be considered to be an ACCUSATION against the one who thinks that they have been wronged.”
and miss the opportunity completely, acerbate any ill feeling and hurt themselves even more. (no offence intended to the person who wrote that.)
This is where you and I have different ideas about what happens with apologies.
A person can simmer on an offence for days or months or years however long they want and do nothing conclusive about changing their reaction – the only thing anyone controls. Anyone who wants a lot of positive emotional responses in their business dealings will have to face the fact that Not Everyone Is Like You.
Mistakes made against you hurt, I wish it didn’t but it does and accepting that people don’t believe the same things as you, even as it hurts, even as you pound the wall, kick the cat and scream into the nothingness, sometimes, helps you to get a new perspective.
They aren’t necessarily out to get you, they don’t necessary dislike you, they may not even have set out to wrong you. They were being themselves as you choose to be yourself. All the good and all the bad.
Now or, later, the aggrieved person must return to their personal responsibility. They must set about reducing the negative personal impact on themselves –without getting bitter or resentful. It’s hard, goddamn it, I know that sometimes it’s like pulling out your own teeth with old pliers and you bet it sure ain’t fair! But you (as in the third person you, not you, the Liz Strauss you) have to do it or it will be an emotional millstone round your neck. You have the choice to stop any further dealings with that company or consultant. You have the power, the other party has acknowledged that. Don’t let hurt, anger or concepts of fairness blind you to that. Sometimes it seems like you have no choice, or no good choice. It may be that the company is so involved in your dealings that getting rid of them will be more aggravating than not, so you feel snookered, and still you’re hurt and angry. Don’t get on the anger cycle. Decide not to get angry. It’s the only way. That simple and that difficult. Remind yourself these people are not you. They don’t value what you value, or if they do, they haven’t valued it in the same way as you do. Forgive yourself for getting involved with people who cause you trouble. Forgive yourself for not seeing it coming. You feel because you are human, there is no good to be had in suppressing emotions, but you are also capable of self control and anger is a cycle you cannot get out of without actually deciding to step out of the cycle.
As the better person you choose to be, you’re going to have to take a lot of it on the nose. You might even get sucker punched, but you can get through it. You can blitz this surprise end of year exam in personal growth. The better person always acknowledges their responsibility. The better person forgives themselves. The better person has an obligation to not acerbate the situation. The better person knows when to disengage. The better person knows that the most important relationship is the one they have with themselves. The better person has no regrets, because a lack of regret is a reflection of understanding.
Unless you’re psychopath. Which I hope none of you are. 😉
My recent post on How To Apologise:
http://blog.trinetizen.com/wordpress/?p=762
Your re-blogging this is serendipitous. I was just thinking the other day how it seems everyone publicly apologizes these days. I wonder if that’s contributing to broader cynicism? If we constantly see people apologizing in the news, how much does it count in our one-to-one relationships?
It still does for me, as long as (as you point out) it’s sincere. But I wonder about others.
Like Karin, I think apologies necessitate sincerity, but I agree with Carl. Apologies don’t rebuild trust. Actions rebuild trust.
This, of course, is assuming that there was trust in the first place.
Great post.
I’ve just included it in the January 2010 Carnival of Trust at:
http://blog.social-advantage.com/2010/01/carnival-of-trust-january-2010.html
Let me add my congratulations to Jon Ingham’s note above on your selection of this post to be included in the January Carnival of Trust.
The Carnival is a monthly compilation of the best of the blogosphere on the broadly-defined subject of trust. It is compiled by an independent host each month. Jon has assembled a great list of 10 blogposts this month, and this one is an outstanding example.
Very few types of interpersonal exchange have the kind of power to create or destroy trust that an apology does. The post does a fine job of elucidating the issue, and I think the commentaries above add as well.
(I’d add one small item to the well-catalogued list of apology-related material above, and it is simply to make a distinction between calling out the truth, and taking responsibility for it. On a few occasions, a hurtful action does not require an apology–but it always requires acknowledgement. In most cases, acknowledgement must be accompanied by responsibility, in the form of an apology.)
Thanks again for such a great post–glad you republished it–and congratulations for having it picked up in the Carnival of Trust.