19 Comments to “Bloggy Question 82: It’s the Truth, Well, Sort of . . .”

1. April 28th, 2008 at 2:17 am
   kristarella said

   I agree with the second friend, it’s as good as lying.

   I was actually in a similar situation recently when a fairly scary (conceited, often harsh) professor asked us if a new website that he and his friends were making was any better than the uni one - they were making it to replace the uni one because its so bad.

   I thought their page was just as awful, maybe slightly better because it used fewer colours, perhaps worse because the grid was all over the place. I didn’t say anything and was glad that a few people said “well, those things don’t really line up properly”.

   If it was a friend asking me I might try to point out a couple of good things about it and then point out some improvement areas. E.g. “I like your blogroll, it has some good sites and I think people appreciate your support, but you could make your pages more harmonious by getting rid of those flashing widgets and using a few more subheadings.” Although, it might be difficult to do that on the spot.

2. April 28th, 2008 at 2:34 am
   Trisha said

   I would definitely think of it as lying too.

   I’m not one to pull punches, but in this kind of situation, there are two different roads I normally take:

   1. Verify that they really want my opinion.

   My immediate response would be “You sure you want my opinion? Because I don’t cotton candy.” Then go on with the sandwich. Something good, all the awful stuff, something good.

   2. Help them come to their own conclusion.

   My immediate response would be “Well, have a look at x blog. They’re really popular, it’s gotta be for a reason. After digging through their posts for a while, go back to your blog and see how different you feel reading your own posts. Look at the differences. Every blogger has room for improvement, so don’t feel bad.”

   I would go for road 2 first, and if that doesn’t work, go for road 1.

   There’s a lot of ways to gently let someone know they’re doing it wrong… I guess I should write a post about that huh?

3. April 28th, 2008 at 6:00 am
   Jesse Petersen said

   I agree with the second friend, too. That is why you are required to swear to tell the “whole truth and nothing but the truth.” When a truth is stated like that, it is essentially more than the truth.

   The middle ground would be to find something, anything you like about it… even if it’s the sitemap or common copyright logo. If they press harder, well, then they didn’t get the hint and they either 1) really want to know what to improve or 2) it’s their own darn fault for being socially ignorant.

4. April 28th, 2008 at 8:11 am
   kristarella said

   Good approach Trisha! I’m a bit too much of a softy for the first one (I don’t think I could say “do you really want to know” it makes it sound like it’s going to be really painful), but the second one is a good idea.

5. April 28th, 2008 at 8:55 am
   SpaceAgeSage said

   I have had a manipulator use the smile-and-punch them-in-the-teeth-without-letting-them realize-it method, and I despise it because not only was it a lie, it was manipulation. I like Trisha’s thoughtfulness on the matter. I am the kind who might say, “You want the good news or the bad news first?” This gets them a little more ready for the bad news.

6. April 28th, 2008 at 9:46 am
   ME Liz Strauss said

   Hi Kristarella,
   You’ve been there and so you know that it’s a hard spot to be in. When it’s a friend, it’s really difficult . . . because who wants to encourage something that isn’t right? Yet, who wants to undo someone’s hard work either?

   Leaving the wrong impression isn’t the the truth.

7. April 28th, 2008 at 9:49 am
   ME Liz Strauss said

   Hi Trisha!
   You’re a natural leader. What fabulous advice. I’ve never heard the sandwich analogy before. I like the way that you take the friend to another blog (sort of neutral territory) to help him or her form a personal opinion.

8. April 28th, 2008 at 9:51 am
   ME Liz Strauss said

   Hi Jesse!
   The approach of finding something to like is a good one always. There’s always something worth remarking on. On the rare case of someone who will not listen, I have said, “It’s a great example of what it is.”

   That’s saying nothing.

9. April 28th, 2008 at 9:53 am
   ME Liz Strauss said

   Hi SpaceAgeSage,
   I’ve done it too. It makes a person feel clever, but not quite right. As I get older I realize that I’d rather be reasonable, thoughtful, and intelligent than clever.

10. April 28th, 2008 at 10:00 am
    Towanda said

    I’d go with the “one good point, one positive, one negative” approach.

    I’d say something like, “I think your colors are good, very inviting. However, you might want to use a writing style that’s more reader-friendly. It was a bit difficult for me to follow.”

    p.s. Trisha’s advice of looking at other blogs was an excellent approach. I would definitely use that!

11. April 28th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
    Liz Williams said

    Hmmm - I’m anti-lying, anti-sandwich and pro-permission on this one. I like what Trish said about inviting them to look at a successful blog and compare theirs - genius.

    In the scenario you painted, Liz, they asked for my feedback. That means I’d give it to them, but like this:

    1. Tell me what you’re wanting to accomplish with your blog - purpose, tone, audience, future plans.

    2. In light of that, here’s what’s working and you should continue/build on.

    3. And, in light of #1, here’s what needs changing because it isn’t serving your purpose.

    4. Here are some blogs to look at that have a similar purpose for some models of what works.

    It’s them asking for feedback that gives me permission, and it’s #1 that gives me my boundaries and helps me keep my unwanted advice in check - not to mention my judgements. Having them tell me their goal sets up the boundaries ahead of time and keeps me truthful, constructive *and* kind.

12. April 28th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
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    [...] recent post on Liz Strauss’s Successful-Blog got me thinking about giving feedback. She poses the question: “What do you do when someone asks [...]

13. April 28th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
    Cath Lawson said

    Hi Liz - I think that’s worse than lying too. I think I would first tell them all the things about their blog that I liked, then offer suggestions on what I would improve.

    I know that isn’t the exact truth, but it’s not a lie either and probably a whole lot kinder than telling them it completely sucks.

14. April 28th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
    LaurenMarie - Creative Curio said

    (Kristarella, it’s so awesome to see you here!!)

    I think there is such a thing as “benevolent manipulation.” You can use what you say, how you say it and even what you don’t say, in order to influence a better outcome for everyone. It’s not insincere, it’s not lying by concealing the truth, it’s a diplomatic and helpful response.

    This type of manipulation is ok in my mind, because it’s not selfish or self-seeking; it’s other-focused and the motivation behind it is helping the friend better his/her site. Trisha’s response is a perfect example. What a diplomatic (yet completely genuine) response!

    As for my response, I would probably try to offer some advice, similar to Trisha, and perhaps hint at a blog that does something well that the friend’s blog is lacking and then relate it to my own experiences. “Check out Copyblogger. They have some excellently written articles. I’ve been trying to follow this advice that Brian gives about writing for the web and I’ve seen an increase in subscribers lately that I think is due to it. You should try it, too! If you have any questions, maybe I could help…” etc.

    So how would you respond, Liz?

15. April 29th, 2008 at 7:00 am
    Charles Jacobs said

    Let’s be real. There’s nothing more harmful to a writer than to have “friends” praise one’s work when praise isn’t deserved. I beg my buddies to be honest with me. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but the long range benefit is what counts. We all strive for quality in our work and one way to help us achieve it is honest criticism.

    If you are sensitive to the writer’s feelings, it makes sense to wrap your words in a positive shroud like “If you make this change, the piece will be so much better.” Constructive criticism is a gift to any writer.

16. April 29th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    This discussion so reflects how I feel. Thank you all.

    Charles, you should follow Liz’s trackback in Comment #12. It’s a moving insightful story.

    The truth is so valuable to all of us, especially when we write.

17. May 30th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
    whoa said

    If it were between us, i would say something along the lines of “it definitively needs some work to improve it”. My first works were not my best either, and i appreciate my friends input (when it was at least constructive).

    Unless the site featured content i might find offensive (not only to me but to others also), in that case a blunt “No, I don’t like it” would be my answer (have you seen Ren & Stimpy’s Mr. Horse?).

18. May 30th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
    ME Liz Strauss said

    Great point, whoa, that it would depend on whether the site was outright offensive in a broad way. I’d have to say so too.

    I’m a Ren & Stimpy fan for years now.

19. June 22nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
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