34 Comments to “Bloggy Question 52: They Read My Diary!”

1. June 17th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
   Roberta said

   Maybe she could talk to the people involved and tell them that she did not intend to violate their privacy or hurt them in any way. Tell them that maybe she was just venting and to please not take it to heart. It was a long time ago and that she hopes they can get past it. She needs to communicate that she still wishes to remain friends and perhaps if there are good posts on her blog about these friends and family members, that she could highlight them.

   Just my two cents.

2. June 17th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Roberta!
   You are a generous soul. I can hear it in your advice. How kind and forgiving you are.

   I want you for my friend.

   I wonder whether she can get past her own feelings to own everything you already gave her.

3. June 17th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
   Brad K. said

   At some point she realized the difference between a raw emotional dump, and a publication, since she became aware of how hurtful some things can be. Any time from then to just before the sister found the blog and read it, she had the ability to return to the archive, and delete or edit what was there, to remove rough edges.

   Now she is like any other published author (’Girl With A One Track Mind’ - http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/ - comes to mind). She has to own what she wrote. If her family didn’t want her to express hurtful feelings, they should not have hurt her feelings. It is OK to explain that she hadn’t taken as much care to weigh her words back then, but there is no reason to apologize. If all the hurtful stuff date back to before the change, tell them to get over it, she has stopped with the raw stuff already. Sorry that their feelings were hurt, but not sorry that she had those things to say.

   Tell the family and community that she was hurting back then, that the journaling helped her to heal and feel better about herself, and those around her. That it was a necessary step to find comfort. And this is likely true, as well as making a good explanation. If she was hurting badly enough that her family gets upset, likely they need some healing before their interactions approach sanity, too.

   Way back in grade school, I think, 40 years ago or more, ‘Hard words, like jack boots, can not be recalled.’

4. June 17th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Brad,
   I was with you in the beginning. I think we all own what we do. Other people can’t make our actions happen. We are in control of them always and forever. In this case, she chose to write the words where they could be found.

   This sentence here
   If her family didn’t want her to express hurtful feelings, they should not have hurt her feelings.
   bothers me.

   Sometimes people don’t know that what they do hurts someone’s feelings. Suppose she had choen another form of expression — a sword instead of pen, a brick instead of a journal?

   She chose to write in a public forum. She breached their privacy. Didn’t she?

5. June 17th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
   Brad K. said

   I was project an explanation, from her to her family. A defense.

   As for breaching their privacy, you can make that claim about any attack. Are you wrong to report a bully, because you breach their privacy? As for hurting someone’s feelings without being aware of it, yes that happens. But that tells me that I cannot go to the police or doctor if a family member batters me, if they didn’t really mean to. I might breach their privacy.

   If there is that much hurtful material to get so many people that upset, I assumed there was a pattern of emotional abuse. It is the family that needs to deal with it. It seems the blogger has found a way to move on, and found a way to stop passing along the hurting ways she learned at home.

   “Suppose she had chosen another form of expression — a sword instead of pen, a brick instead of a journal?“. But she didn’t. We started this exercise with the premise of early hurtful postings, just discovered by family, family became irate over ‘breach’. If she had struck out physically, things would have played out however they would play out. Her family still would have hurt her. She would still have been hurt.

   If her family had been capable or willing to work out the issues at the time, she probably would not have been posting hurtful things in her blog, diary, or wherever.

   Parents have a responsibility to raise and nurture their children. They cannot expect a perfect cloak of privacy, or no child could ever find protection from abuse and danger.

   She has to show her family they are wrong, if she is ever to get them off her back. This position accomplishes both goals, to reduce the ‘we are the poor victims of an unloving and spiteful child’ wailing and gnashing of teeth, and to deflect the accusation of injury back where it belongs.

   I haven’t changed my mind yet.

6. June 17th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
   ME Strauss said

   Hi Brad!
   My idea was that she chose to write on the Internet. Which is public, like a radio or TV. Not private. As a result the whole town can check it out. She owns that.

   Your argument seems to leave no room for the possiblility that she might have caused the problem with her family that she wrote about. What if she’s hot-tempered and over-reacts to everything? What if she has a problem with substances?

   If her family had been capable or willing to work out the issues at the time. . . maybe they were and she wasn’t.

   We don’t know what happened between her and her parents. We can’t say that who is wrong or right. All we know about her family is that they read her blog and are hurt and angry. Anything else we’re making up — we don’t know.

   “She Feels violated. They feel violated.” It sounds the same to me.

   The story doesn’t state her age. Does your argument change if I tell you she’s 36 years old? . . . she’s 50 years old?

   At what age does it stop being our parent’s fault?

7. June 17th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
   Jon Price said

   friends that can’t stand some criticism aren’t friends. Tell her next time strive for Friends with a capital “F”. Better yet go back to those she hurt and apologize. Maybe a little cynical on my part but what I’m wondering is she sorry for being hurtful or sorry for being caught? If its the former then she has a chance to restore friendship by genuine sorrow. If its the latter, then tell her that she needs to toughen her hide to match the attitude that allowed her to write unflatering in the first place.

8. June 18th, 2007 at 12:18 am
   Rick Cockrum said

   Hi Liz,

   The friend evidently comes from a very small town, and just as evidently needs to grow up, as does the rest of the family and town or things wouldn’t be where they’re at now.

   She feels violated? For posting something for the whole world to see, then having them see it?

   My advice - You wrote it. You published it. You own it. Accept responsibility for where you’re at now. People you didn’t talk about don’t matter. Apologize to the ones who do matter if you have anything to apologize for. You have to realize a blog is not a personal diary. What you say has consequences, on you and on other people. You’re seeing that now.
   You’ve gotten better, but continue to think about what you put in public, and it’s possible effect on you and those you care about.

9. June 18th, 2007 at 12:19 am
   Ramkarthik said

   Hi Liz.
   I’ll tell her to write her next post with some words at the end saying there ended my worst nightmare ever. I wish it never comes again to me. Pity of my family members.

   LOL. I don’t know what she can do at this situation other than this.

10. June 18th, 2007 at 2:33 am
    GC said

    Hi Liz,

    As mentioned in earlier comments, a blog is not a personal diary. Content in a blog is opened to the public. This friend is already very lucky that it is not some bad guys out there that use the content for some unlawful purposes.

    I would told her to apologize to her family and friends sincerely, irregardless of who were in the wrong then.

    What she had done could not be reversed. She’ll have to start building her trust all over again if she values these relationships.

11. June 18th, 2007 at 4:16 am
    April Groves said

    Liz,
    I have to agree with Rick and Roberta on this one. She should apologize, hopefully she can make amends. But, she cannot blame anybody for this situation other than herself.

    I stumbled upon a blog this weekend. The writer had a disclaimer that said if she posted anything in her blog about a subject, she would appreciate the reader not telling involved parties that could use it against her - her blog was the equivalent to a diary in the mattress - huh?

    No way. It’s the internet. While we may use the term “diary” to explain the blog - it is not an accurate description. There is no reason to assume privacy in this forum. In fact, there is less reason to assume privacy and you should expect that people will find out about what you wrote. The surprise here should have been that it took her family this long to find out.

12. June 18th, 2007 at 6:25 am
    Jesse Petersen said

    I agree with April. “Diary” is a poor term for any blog, given its nature of being an online publication. I correct people when they ask me about my blogs that are more of a life commentary and call it a journal. Journals are published and put it in the correct light.

    Now that that is settled…

    I believe that all parties are at fault in this and made it a huge mess when it could have easily been avoided by following some age-old advice. I’ll point out their faults, and then my solution.

    If you have a problem with someone, you should go to them one-on-one and tell them you are hurt and give them an opportunity to make it right. Your friend quite probably would have removed any hurtful posts without a whine after she found out a family member had seen them. If she didn’t then the sister should have called the brother, and they should have teamed up on your friend before involving any of the family. If that didn’t work, then your friend is a butthead (im my opinion) and you should distance yourself from her.

    The best solution as I see it at this stage is to delete any negative family posts that do not have any redeeming value. Recently I wrote about something my dad did as I was growing up. While it sucked and hurt me at the time, it was a good thing in the end. We shouldn’t have a problem with that kind of negative publicity. Everyone who knows me knows I love my dad, as was quite evident in yesterday’s Father’s Day post. My dad is now a reader of my blog because of that.

    After she deletes those posts, she should write up an apology post and say how she feels today (aside from them all being seriously ticked at her) about her family. To combine an apology with an “it’s alright now” post should do wonders. The only thing left is to contact all of the upset people and apologize and send them the post and a link to it to show them that it is just as public as the old stuff.

    That’s my 15 3/4 cents.

13. June 18th, 2007 at 6:26 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Jon,
    I bet her friends don’t think of her as a friend with a capital “F.” Well, maybe, but the F doesn’t stand for . . . well you know. Anyway.

    I keep thinking of a sentence I’ve heard many times that goes something like this . . .
    If everyone knew everything you said about them you would have no friends at all.

    The question you bring up can’t be aked or answered enough What’s the reason you’re sorry?

    Though, I wonder whether she’s sorry at all. She may too busy focusing on the fact that she’s hurt, angry, and embarrassed that everyone is looking at here — whether they understand her side of the situation or not. Lots of traffic over such a thing would make anyone self-conscious I would think.

    That’s the reason many movie stars don’t read their reviews, isn’t it?

    Thanks, Jon. I hear you.

14. June 18th, 2007 at 6:31 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Rick,
    How well and how concisely you say it. I want you for my editor. There is a world of wisdom in these few sentence . . .

    You wrote it. You published it. You own it. Accept responsibility for where you’re at now. People you didn’t talk about don’t matter. Apologize to the ones who do matter if you have anything to apologize for.

    Wow!

    PS. How often can we say that, if you write someone will find it. The Internet is here for our grandchildren, our future boss, and the folks who never liked us to read whenever they want.

15. June 18th, 2007 at 6:33 am
    ME Strauss said

    Ramkarthik, you are smart to understand that less is more in this situation. To defend a mistake, even one that may have had a cause, is never the right choice.

16. June 18th, 2007 at 6:36 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi GC,
    You make a good point about trust. It’s funny how we often start with it for free, but it sure costs a lot to earn it back once we have lost it by our mistakes.

    If I make a bad judgment once, how can you trust that I won’t do it again, no matter how much I don’t want to? A bad choice is bad thinking. It’s hard to get past that.

17. June 18th, 2007 at 6:39 am
    ME Strauss said

    Whoa April,
    How naive is that blogger? I know there are peeople who would read her disclaimer as an invitation. I’d love to hear what a psychologist had to say about that one. It seems a rationalization for being able to trash anyone I like in public. No way.

    I’m with your view on the entire subject.

    Whoa! That’s stunning!! Thank you for telling us.

18. June 18th, 2007 at 6:48 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Jesse,
    It never ceases to amaze me, the quality of the people who hang out here. Yeah, that would be exactly how to fix the situation. And if everyone involved were as generous of spirit and willing to give and receive an apology, it actually could occur.

    But just two months ago, I worked with someone a young person who wrote something that made a few people upset. The piece came from the blogger’s ego, a relationship had ended and so was written had generalization that caused offense.

    Rather than apologize for the situation — the blogger just couldn’t — instead the blogger wrote a defense which only made it worse. Luckily, then, that blogger had both a heart and friends who cared enough . . . he found his way to realize that the problem was his own, but too many folks would never get to the place whether they could see the other side of the story. Too many folks have too much fear to apologize.

    Jesse, that’s why I value you and the folks who come to this blog. You know.

19. June 18th, 2007 at 8:58 am
    Brad K. said

    Liz,

    It appeared that when the friend started out two years ago, she was inexperienced with putting personal information online. She might be any age, any level of experience with computers or working online. (If she was a friend, why didn’t I mention the issue to her at the time?) And if she ‘got savvy’, why didn’t she return to the archives and clean up the earlier posts?

    “At what age does it stop being our parent’s fault?”

    When they stop hurting their kids. Some families never do stop, cascading down the generations. Racial prejudice is one practice that comes to mind. Usually the blame stops at the point where the child realizes the parents were wrong. From that point the child makes a conscious choice about their life.

    I distinguish between ‘it is the family’s fault’, and ’she is this way because the family did that to her’. Between blame and explanation there is a divide, blame is for correcting misbehavior, explanation is for understanding what is.

20. June 18th, 2007 at 9:25 am
    ME Strauss said

    Hey Brad,
    Maybe you just met her online and don’t live anywhere near her. Maybe she already figured out the way to be more appropriate by the time you started reading her blog.

    Some parents never hurt their kids, but their kids moan all through college about their sad childhoods. I know. I went to school with some.

    Sometimes the child has to realize that the parents are people too. That the child has had unbelievable, unattainable expectations of what a parent could or should do. Sometimes the child never knows what a parent gave up so the child could have something good. My dad was like that — he never needed glory or praise. He just loved. He just wanted us to be happy.

    Thank for your last sentence. I like the understanding part. In my experience, blame has never worked as well as looking at where a solid positive foundation to start might be.

    Everyone is better than their bad behavior. Everyone has bad behavior. So looking for the better is the place I go for the answer.

21. June 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am
    Chris Cree said

    A ton of awesome comments here. Wish I had time to read them all. I did a few rants early on myself (about politics mostly I think. Can’t run for office now, eh? )

    But I quickly realized that the internet is pretty much for ever, what with Google Cache, etc.

    My own rule of thumb is I try not to write anything online that I would be embarrassed if my mother or a future potential employer might read. Seems to be working OK.

22. June 18th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
    Sara said

    Once upon a time, I had a Diaryland journal in which I wrote a lot of bad things about a coworker who annoyed me. We shared an office and she’d make loud personal phone calls all day long and I’d basically transcribe them with commentary into my journal. She wasn’t an internet person and I didn’t use her real name so I figure there’d be no problem. Until one day when I was talking to another coworker about my journal and the annoying one says: “Oh! I’d love to read that. What’s the address?”

    Oops! So I had to go delete all the posts referring to her before I sent her the address. But at least I knew to do that.

    I think everyone makes very good points about there being nothing personal about a blog. When I post about people I know (which is rare these days as I don’t keep up my livejourmal much) I ask myself: “Is this something I would say to them in person?” If not, I skip it.

    Liz, I think if your friend really became more saavy she would have found a way to either mask that she was talking about her family or just deleted the messages altogether. Perhaps part of her wanted them to see her words so they’d know how much they hurt her?

    Sara

23. June 18th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Sara!
    Welcome to the conversation!
    Thanks for bringing something real to this hypothetical problem.

    You came to the wisdom the hard way. But you got there fast and in time. YEA! for you. I like your gating question “Would I say this in person?” It’s a good one — knowing that everything we write will be read by someone who will probably misinterpreted.

    You know, Sara, you could be right . . . the blogger in the story may have kept the archives because she wanted them found.

    It’s a story.

    I sure appreciate you bringing a real perspective to the discussion.

    You’re not a stranger anymore.

24. June 18th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
    Jan said

    Dear X,

    Why not go for everything? You already alienated everyone you care about and who cared about you so you may as go for everyone else as well.

    You have a blog that have plenty of traffic and a theme that you can easily add to. Why not expand on it and get everything even more out in the open? Getting your neighbors dragged into it was a good start, but you can do better than that I think.

    What about the rest of the street, the town, the state, the country? And why not drag in your and everyone else’s employer now you are at it? You feel miserable so why should everyone feel any better? “Shared misery is halved misery” to rephrase a German saying.

    I am sure there are plenty of things to tell and even if you don’t happen know everything, have that ever stopped you before? After all Your truth is just as good as anyone else’s.

    And why stop at blogging about it? Why not get interviewed in radio and television, write a book and maybe even a country song, which is sort of the highest you can go.

    I can already hear it in my head: “I put all my private and personal thoughts and opinions about those close to me out where everyone could read them and oddly enough now everyone seems to hate me”. As you can tell I never was good at writing song titles, but you get the idea and I am sure your future agent will do a better job.

    Thinking about it, you may want to reconsider the whole situation reflecting about the nice and pleasant comments above or you will really have to write that country song one day and who could possibly want that?!

    I am sure you will do the right thing! The fact that you some time ago changed the way you write about it tells me you already know what it is…

    Cheers,

    An acquaintance (at least until you blog about me too!)

    Sorry for this strange kind of “seemingly” ironic comment, which honestly was the first thing that came to mind even if I am not normally ironic at all. No really, I ain’t!

25. June 18th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
    Brad K. said

    Liz,
    “I like the understanding part”. No, that isn’t mine. That is a holdover from learning ‘egoless’ programming. My work just bleeds over into my life. For some reason that particular concept helped me a lot with my life.

    As for kids moaning, I don’t see that happening with really good parents. Most of us seem to stumble into parenting quite unprepared. Notice how few kids that come along 15 years or more after their eldest sibling, except maybe the baby of the family, do much moaning about home and growing up.

    A well-brought up kid should be well adjusted. A constant moaner isn’t well adjusted. It doesn’t matter a whit if the parents are good friends, citizens, well balanced, etc. The kid hasn’t learned discipline, the will to complete a task, or responsibility, including self-control and taking control of his life. And he didn’t learn it in the time the parents had to teach him. The sacrifices a parent makes don’t matter to the kids, or anyone else. Guilt or an appreciation for another’s efforts are all fine and dandy, but what matters is that the parents provide adequate food, guidance, and security. Anything else is making excuses.

26. June 18th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Jan,
    That is brilliant! I’ve read it three times now. Yep! Brilliant. Every word! You belong writing satire and parody.

27. June 18th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
    ME Strauss said

    So Brad,
    If it’s not the kid’s fault ever, then when the kids have kids it’s the grandparent’s fault for not raising the parent of the kids. Wait, no it’s the great-grandparents fault because they didn’t raise the grandparents right. Where does it stop?

    When does a person become responsible for his or her own actions?

    I don’t blame my parents for how they raised me. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

    Brad, do you have kids? Do you plan to? How would you raise them perfectly?

28. June 18th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
    Kevin said

    It’s been my experience that solid relationships are built around taking responsibility for the relationship.
    If you make a mistake, step up and say so. Apologize and take whatever steps you need to make things right.
    In this case I think not only talking to everyone face to face, but posting a public apology and deleting all of the offending articles.

    BTW, Liz, great site. I have enjoyed lurking for some time now.

29. June 18th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
    ME Strauss said

    Hi Kevin!
    Nice to meet you!
    . . . taking responsibility for the relationship Yeah. It’s the caring about the “us” in the you and me. Nicely said.

    I can’t help but think how devasted I would feel having hurt all of those people. I would be inside out. An apology would be the first thing I would have to do.

    Thank you, Kevin, for introducing yourself.
    You’re not a stranger anymore. That’s so cool.

30. June 18th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
    Brad K. said

    Liz, a kid takes responsibility when he/she recognizes there was a problem in his/her own behavior. At that point the child can choose to correct that behavior, or not. Whether they pick up advice, whether prison brings the point home, or they puzzle through the difficulties in their life and say, ‘this isn’t working’. At that point the history matters less than what the kid chooses to do.

    “I don’t blame my parents for how they raised me. There is no such thing as a perfect parent” I am not sure what one has to do with the other. Or how either apply to this situation. Where you have problems because of what you learned or didn’t learn at home, you have problems that originated at home. (If you have any problems, your parents may not have been perfect, but still perfectly met your needs.) But refusing to admit those problems (that might) exist mean that you and your family will continue to refuse to correct them. In this situation I see an issue over the family’s reaction, that indicates a problem with blaming instead of fixing problems. Of refusing to accept responsibility. Of hiding hurt, rather than solving problems.

31. June 19th, 2007 at 12:00 am
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32. June 19th, 2007 at 12:20 am
    ME Strauss said

    Brad,
    I guess what bothers me is that in your assessment I don’t hear much room for give. The lines you seeem to draw are hard, and people are not binary.

    I think that there is no hurt that enough love could not fix. I believe that forgiveness and compassion are more important than hard rules and judgments.

    You words feel so strong. I can’t find a place that I feel a chance to be human inside of them. The idea of responsibility seems more important than the people.

    Head and heart can’t be separated for me. To take the heart out of my head hurts people and hurts me even more.

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