Talking …

Sometimes I talk without listening first. Sometimes I just spout off what I know without finding out what the person I’m talking to might know about the subject. When it happens to me, I’m little grateful to find out I’m not the only one who does this. It happens often enough that I’m starting to think most of us might …

When I talk about mistakes, I usually tell about mistakes I’ve made, and believe me, I’ve made plenty. This time I choose to write about being on the other end of the experience to share that point of view. I want you to sit where I was.

It was at a huge conference. Many friends and colleagues were there. Three of them came to a small event with me. We introduced ourselves around the table. Everyone still had name badges on.

“Hi! I’m Liz.” I said to two women I recognized from Twitter. They didn’t recognize me.

The two talked mostly to each other about things like scalability and how to grow the readership on their blogs. During the conversation, they referenced some of closest friends and colleagues.

One said something like, “The editor at [insert name of mass media blog] asked me to write my story in 100 words. I’m trying, but it’s impossible.”

I said, “Want to try it out on me?”

So she did. Her story was fascinating …

She’d started her blog a couple of years ago. It began about one topic — a sort of hobby idea. The blog had a clever hobby sort of name right down to the url. Over time, the blogger telling the story found her interests were wider and more about business. She tried a new tagline to communicate this new interest. It didn’t have the effect she’d envisioned. After a while of trying to convert her audience into talking about business, the blogger changed the name of her blog to reflect the new focus.

At that this point, the storyteller looked me in the eye and said, “And you NEVER do that!”

I said, “Why not?”

“Because you DON’T. It’s the ultimate of bad practice.”

The story continued. Huge thoughts. Time passing. A change in audience began to happen. The blog began attracting a new crowd of fans. However, the blogger felt some folks were put off by the girlie name of the old url. The storyteller then decided to “bite the bullet.” She changed her url to match the new name of her blog.

Again, the storyteller looked me in the eye and said, “And you NEVER do that!”

Again I said, “Why not?”

“Because YOU DON’T.”

I got to feeling uncomfortable. So I softly said, “Um, I think we should start over. I’m Liz Strauss. I blog and I think we know each other.”

Her hands flew to her face. “Oh my God! I guest posted on your blog. Oh my God! I’m telling you what you should be doing.”

I smiled and said, “And a great blog post it was.”

For a minute there, it was getting really uncomfortable.

My guess is that everyone has made this mistake at least once. There w

I know I have realized too late that I’ve underestimated someone’s experience. I’m pretty sure I’ve been “that woman” more than the woman in this story, if only because I’ve had more years to do so.

NEVER Do That! – How to Tell a Story to Someone You Just Met

My experience is that wise, polite, and busy people rarely tell that we’re underestimating their experience. It’s up to us to know our audience especially when we speak.

The mistake that we can make when we first meet someone is that we can make our own story more important than the person we’re talking to.

We all know it’s best if we don’t take the place in the center of the universe. But sometimes a question is asked or a story is requested before we really know our audience. And sometimes, well, we can miss.

I’m still learning how to keep the other person in my vision — to be interested and interesting. I’m learning I’d much rather find out a few things about the person first. Some folks really want to listen before they talk and here are a few things I’ve picked up that help.

1. Be aware of the influence of familiarity. When we’re in our element, we can make assumptions that people know things that they don’t — especially things obvious to our friends. A familiar question can make it easy to assume that person asking is a learner. It’s easy to forget that many who know the most never give up their beginner’s mind.
2. Be curious about details. It’s hard to make your story “about them,” if you don’t know who “they” are. Have a favorite open-ended question ready. “What do you do when you’re not doing this?” “What’s been the highlight of your week so far?” Listen for and invite details. Details break down assumptions and let us see people as individuals to reach out to them.
3. Interrupt your own stories for feedback. It never hurts to say, “Have you ever been there?”

–ME “Liz” Strauss
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