Blogger Nightmare

It’s the middle of the night. The wind is blowing. The moon is high. Creaking noises are sounding. Memories of comments are running through your head, and you’re thinking of emails you sent that went unanswered.

You had such hope when you started blogging. It was daytime. You were always laughing then. Now you’re just shell of yourself in despair, dejected, and broken. Your bloggo-fears have taken over with the things that go bump in the night.

Not to worry. Wait, sorry. Indeed with just a little more worry, you have the power to take those concerns beyond the blogosphere. Go for it. . . . become a mess on the floor.

The Top 10 Bloggo-Fears and How to Make Them Worse

As you read, remember, the more you buy into these the better at crippling yourself you will be. Here’s your chance to prove you’re good at something besides misspelling words and looking like a fool.

If you’re faint of heart, read no further. Jumping without a parachute and shooting yourself in the foot requires a certain sort of dedication to being a . . . hopeless blogger.

10. Fear of Looking Like a Fool Don’t go near the comment box on any blog. If you make a remark or as question, folks might find out about you. If you find you’re having trouble in this area, translate the blog into a language you don’t understand. You need this fear in your repertoire — Fear the clueless, pest that everyone knows you are.

9. Fear of Blogs See how much better every other blog is. Count the ways that you’ll never be half that good. Write the reasons. Frame them. Put them on a wall in your line of vision. Feel the fear of an undisciplined wimp who is inept when you do your best work.

8. Fear of To-Do Lists Think up at least 50 urgent things you MUST do — blog tweaks, promotion spots, blogs to read and not comment on. Don’t stop until the list could only be done by 83.479 people. (Get the math right, not 84 or 83. Be precise.) You’ve moved up a level on the fear chart. Fear how lazy and shiftless you are. [What does shiftless mean?]

7. Fear of Code Tweak your template for hours to fix minute details. Then copy and paste back to the original stylesheet, throwing your own work away. The thought that you might change the code should fill you with fear that you are an egotistical and anal-retentive rat.

6. Fear of the Numbers Check your stats. Hit refresh every 30 seconds for an hour. If your page views don’t rise by 100,000 or more between clicks. Write three posts. Publish them. Then do the whole thing again. Fear being exposed as a woeful underachiever.

5. Fear of Ideas Hunt down the perfect idea — the one that will get you on the front page of every Social Networking site. (Great ideas have nothing to do with readers.) If you don’t find that perfect idea, you are ridiculously dimwitted and slow. Fear that everyone knows what an idiot you are.

4. Fear of Relationships Link out in every sentence of every post you write. Link to anyone who has ever said “hello.” Link to rocks, trees, and statues, if you can. It will take forever, but people will notice how desperate. If you don’t link promiscuously, fear that you’re a hermit, anti-social, and a prude.

3. Fear of Saying “No” Answer all email, including spam. Always do what folks ask — buy, do, subscribe. You’ll know that you’re needed. Fear that if you don’t, those you gently refuse will call you jerk. Fear that the world will know it’s true. Then fear even more that no one would know who you are or care.

2. Fear of the Written Word Get out your dictionary and Thesaurus. Be sure you have two grammar books near. Use words so large that you can’t say or spell them. Then you’ll sure that you write unintelligible mush. Fear that you’re not only a slacker, but also a bottom-of-the-barrel writer. See every teacher you ever had finding out how much you forgot.

1. Fear of Your Personal Worth If you can’t get those 9 above right, then what the heck could you possibly be good for? All of your fears come together here. This the crown jewel. You have made it to the consummate fear of all . . . you are a worm.

On this deep, dark, dastardly night, you no longer have to be a shell of yourself in despair, dejected, and broken. You can be crippled and hopeless blogger too — melted down into unrecoverable mess. Follow this Top Ten List, and you’ll show the world what fear is really for.

On the other hand, if you would rather get out of your funk and come back to us. . . .

Definitely, positively, and for sure, surround yourself with positive people, because positive people make positive thing happen. And frankly it’s looking like you could use a few Here are a few blogs you might check out.

Think Positive Blog

orbitnow!

Make It Great! with Phil Gerbyshak

The Chief Happiness Officer

Positive Communication

This post was part of the b5media business channel theme on fear. If you enjoyed it, would you give it stumble? Thanks!

–ME “Liz” Strauss
Other b5 business bloggers talk about fear.

FEAR in Home Business – Find Every Available Resource
Investing Fear Factor: Know Your Risk Tolerance
Fear and Social Media
Freelance Writers and the Fear of Success and/or Money
FEAR and RISK – You don’t know what you don’t know.
Fear And Trembling
Symptoms of productivity phobia
Fear? Think This Is A Stretch Do You?
The four letter word that keeps us from success
Fearing the Taxman: When Not To Be Scared

More fun:
Desperado: The 7 Payoffs of Making Your Blogging Relationships Suck
65th Crayon Finds that Google Doesn’t Use Search
Internet Slang Dictionary and Translator